Post # 1
My friend was born and raised in a city two hours from where we currently live. Right now, there are two showers planned:
1. In her hometown (city1), hosted by her neighbor gorwing up in mid June.
2. Two hours away from the first shower in the city where we currently live (city 2) hosted by me and other BMs to be held in July/August.
When we asked for her list of shower invites, she put all of her friends from city 2 on the shower invite list for both showers. She wants people to have options of dates in case one date doesn’t work out.
Personally, I don’t feel comfortable inviting anyone other than the BMs, MOB, and MOG to both showers. I feel like it’s bad etiquette. I feel even more uncomfortable knowing that it will be my name on the shower invite.
I asked the bride to make separate lists and she ripped my head off saying that she isn’t asking for gifts. I offered to not have my shower if that’s what she wanted (“If you would rather keep things simple and have one shower, that’s fine too, just let me know.”) and I was attacked again being told that what she learned was inviting people to multiple showers wasn’t bad etiquette.
Now I just want opinions. If you got two shower invites, one for 2 hours away and one locally, would you think it was nice of them to offer options or rude of them to invite you to both? Should I have the shower anyways or cancel? Should I change it to a luncheon or say “eff it” because she is being a witch?
Post # 3
To me, it would come off as “buy me 2 presents” instead of giving me a choice of which shower to attend.
The part about her not expecting gifts is crap. That’s what any type of shower party is for–to “shower” the guest of honor with gifts.
Post # 4
I grew up with a friend in Charleston, but we both live in the Charlotte area now (3 hours). She had one here and one in Charleston. I was invited to both, and the thought of being offended never crossed my mind. I only went to one though.
Post # 5
@thenewmrsmax: In my case I think there will be a couple people that go to both showers. However I hope they don’t get me a gift (It’s my mother, MIL, and matron of honor)
If they give me a gift at the first one, I am going to find a way to say that at my other one. Like..
“Oooooh baking pans! Now I can make cake for the fondue pot MOH gave me!”
I am having two showers and I split up the guest list (with the exception of the people that will go to both. I straight up told them “Do not get me a second thing.”)
Post # 6
I would also read into it as “buy me two gifts” ..however, she is the bride and if she wants two showers, then thats what she wants. Personally, I wouldn’t be driving two hours for a shower I can attend locally.. whether or not the date worked better.
Post # 7
@thenewmrsmax: Why don’t you go to the first shower and see who couldn’t make it, and then invite those people to the second one. And have a note that says something about how this is an option since you could not make the first one. Would that be bad etiquette? How will she know who was invited anyway?
Post # 8
It sounds to me like she wants to make sure each and every guests brings her a gift. Oh you can’t go to one? Don’t worry, you will go to the other.
I would never drive 2 hours for the privillege of going to a mandatory gift giving event.
As the host, you get to set the guest list. If you know that Sally and Mary and Francine are invited to the other shower, you don’t have to invite them to yours.
Post # 9
@Chrysoberyl: That’s what I suggested, just inviting those who can’t make the first one, but she insisted that everyone be invited to both saying “I’m not asking for gifts, so they can be invited to both.”
Post # 10
@andielovesj: So what should I do knowing that she sent the same invite list to both myself and the neighbor? Only two people were marked as “City 1 shower only”
Do I not have the shower?
Post # 11
I would personally have a very frank discussion about what you are and are not comfortable with.
She can then either accept of decline your offer of a shower on your terms. You are never forced to host an event the way she wants. The host gets to dictate everything about the event they are responsible for and are paying for.
Post # 12
- Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN
@thenewmrsmax: It’s not really your choice, you are not the bride in this case. It depends on her family and friends. It is not uncommon, from where I am from, to be invitied to more than one shower for weddings and baby.
It also depends on the type of shower. When my younger cousin got married I wanted to give her a shower but she was getting one in GA, where a lot of our family lives, from her church and her FI’s family. So we waited until they were married and gave her husband a “garden shower”. We bought them things for yard work and such.
Also, the first time I got married, my FI’s aunt (on his dad’s side) wanted to give me a shower, but same thing, I had one from my church, 2 from my family and one from my MIL who invited both sides of the family. So the aunt gave us a Christmas shower, where we got gifts to decorate our home for the holidays. It was really nice.
Post # 13
For a close friend, I would think she just didn’t want to me exclude me from any wedding events. I wonder if a guest would be miffed if they weren’t invuted to both and feel truly excluded for no good reason.
I wouldn’t feel pressure to bring a gift to both. Or I may split up my gift and bring it to both showers. If the bride is not expecting gifts then I would leave off registry info and hold her to that. Let guests figure it out for themselves what they want to do with their gift.
Post # 14
@thenewmrsmax: Meh like I said.. how would she know who was invited? Unless she straight up asks afterwards “Why didn’t you come to the one 2 hours away? Were you not invited?”
I personally agree with every word andielovesj said.
Post # 15
The only way I wouldn’t be annoyed by receiving two invitations, would be if there was an explanation given before they were sent to me offering me the option of the different dates for my convenience. If it were otherwise, I’d most definitely see it as another way to get a gift out of me.
Sorry, but the bride doesn’t get to INSIST about anything given in her honor. How entitled.
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Who shows up to a shower without a gift? Nobody. So yes, inviting people to two seems a bit gift grabby.
Etiquette web sites say:
If your bridesmaids are all scattered, it is acceptable to have multiple showers though no one should be invited to more than one such event.
Where has she seen otherwise?
If I can’t go to the local shower, no way I’m driving two hours to another one.