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I think there should be a level of trust there between you two. However, one thing that struck me was that you say you can't hang out with his friends because they don't really like you...yet he still hangs out with these girls that he doesn't claim to like very much. So, if he winds up hanging out with girls he doesn't like, why can't his friends tolerate you no matter what their feelings are towards you?
Why is it that his friends don't like you? Is it because you haven't really had any time out with them? I think that sometimes you should go out with his group of friends (and maybe their girlfriends) in order to get to know them.
I am sorry to say this doesn't sound good.
2010bride2bee makes a good point. Also how can he be friends with people who don't like you?
Something smells fishy here.
I don't think it should be ok for him to forbid you to hang out with his friends because "they don't like you." I'm not saying you should come along every time, ESPECIALLY if there are girls around. Because the only valid excuse not to bring you would be a boy's night out. And it doesn't sound like that's what they're doing.
So I would focus on your relationship with his friends. Talk to him about why they don't like you and see what you can figure out. I think you should all be able to hang out, and I would definitely not put up with being told that I can't ever come along.
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Are his friends at least respectful of your relationship? What would concern me about this is the fact that his guy friends don't like you-I feel like that *can* create a whole different environment around other girls if they aren't necessarily supportive of their friend's relationship (particularly if the other guys are single).
Go with your gut, that's the best advice I can give you. If something smells like a duck, and quacks like a duck... it's a duck.
I would not be okay with this, to be honest. Has your FI talked to you about why his friends don't like you? My advice is to explain to him how this makes you feel and have a serious talk with him about what's going on!
Maybe these girls are friends of friends? Your boyfriend doesn't invite them, but they are there when he hangs out with his actual friends. It sounds like there's more going on here for you:
Are any of these the real issue for you?
I am wary of anything along the lines of "I trust my boyfriend but I don't trust these girls"---that's amounts to not trusting your boyfriend. If you trust him, then he can hang out with these people without you being there to supervise. But probably there are some other issues here that are definitely worth talking about.
<div id="_mcePaste" style="overflow: hidden; position: absolute; left: -10000px; top: 56px; width: 1px; height: 1px;">That said, you either trust your boyfriend or you don't. If you trust him, then he can hang out with these people without you being there to supervise.
Do his friends REALLY not like you? or is it something he says? Sometimes guys will do that to keep their SO from hanging with him and his friends. And does he REALLY not like the girls? or is he just saying that...i just dont like how he is playing these cards...maybe you can explain further as to why his friends dont like you? and why he would be hanging out with girls he doesnt like? this situation sounds fishy to me...
I would be really uncomfortable, too. This doesn't strike me as "okay". If he's hanging out with girls he doesn't like, his friends should extend the same favor to you.
Yes, it's OK. Is it possible that if his friends really don't like you, they are wanting him to hang out with these girls to break you up? Are you sure they don't like you? Sounds like some stuff needs to be talked about and ironed out.
I'd want to know why his friends don't like you...that'd bug me. I'd have to know what it was.
Maybe try to put the ball in his court by telling him that you'd really like another chance to hang out with his friends because you feel like the first time didn't leave them with a good idea of who you are. Make it sound like your concern is with wanting him to be happy by phrasing it like "It's not fair to you to be torn between your friends and me, I want to get to know them and for them to get to know me because we're all important in your life." I mean, it doesn't have to be exactly that but something to that effect could really get the point across that you care about his friendships without making him think that you don't trust him.
I too hate when my SO hangs out with girls. It's not that I don't trust him or that I don't trust the girls. I trust my SO entirely, I just don't think that spending tons of time with another girl (or girls) is cool. He has a female friend from work who he got pretty close to at one point and she did not like me at all. She just preferred that I wasn't around. She was really immature and I guess by me being around when she and my SO were hanging out diverted some of his attention from her to me. He finally realized that I wasn't being crazy when I said I didn't like her and stopped hanging out with her outside of work. So, yes, I say that it's totally okay for you to feel uncomfortable.
Let us know how it works out. Good luck!
I have to agree with mechie. Follow your intuition! If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.
I trust my FI wholeheartedly, but if he were to tell me a scenario like the one you described we'd be having words. The fact that you aren't allowed to hang out with them is really odd...
My FI hangs out with his buddies a lot without me (even when I'm in town, we're in an LDR), but if I were to ever ask to tag along I know I'd be welcome. haha I just don't want to cramp his style & look like an uncool, controlling FI.
My BF hangs around with girls I don't know and I trust him, so I don't need to know them (or hang out with them). What I would not be okay with is not being able to hang out with my BF and his friends just because they don't like me.
Now, I don't think my BF's friends NEED to like me -- they're not in a relationship with me. They just need to respect me and our relationship, and not make me feel weird around them. For me, that would be the bigger issue.
I don't know about the rest of it, but I'd be really concerned if he says his friends don't like you. That is a major red flag.
My FI's best man and I don't really get along so I don't really hang out with his friends, but there aren't any girls involved when he goes and hangs out with his friends. If there were, it would seriously bother me and I would probably end up pitching a fit and not allowing it if I didn't get a legit explanation. The "friends don't like you" thing is not enough of an explanation. I'd get to the bottom of that ASAP.
I think the bigger issue here is that your BF won't let you hang out with his friends. To me this looks like he is clearly putting their feelings over yours. Since the two of you are in a relationship he needs to make it clear that they don't need to LOVE you., they just need to respect you and your relationship. But I think it is absolutely not okay for your BF to every forbid you or prevent you from hanging out with him and his friends unless it is a guys only night. I don't particullarly love my FI's friends and they don't love me. We are very different. But we all respect each other, make nice when we hang out and realize that the other is an important part of Fi's life. And FI encourages me to hang out with them in hopes that we'll find common ground because he wants nothing more than to hang out with both his friends and I together.
I think you need to have a very honest talk with your BF and let him know that it's unacceptable for him to compartmentalize you in a certain part of his life. As his GF you should be share most aspects of your life with him and he with you, and that includes friends and downtime.
Without sounding rude or judgy, do you mind telling us how old you are and how old your BF is. To me this sort of sounds like the kind of thing a guy would do who isyounger and hasn't figured out how to properly treat his SO and how to prioritize his life.
That makes A LITTLE more sense then. He's probably still in his "bros before hos" phase. Still, the hanging around with girls thing makes it sketchy. If it were me, I'd probably insist on coming out one time and scope out WTF is going on.
ditto Kittyachi. makes sense now. When I was reading what you discribed I thought that his behavious sounded somewhat typical of a college guy. Still though, I don't think it's ok to keep you so compartmentalized in a niche of his life and it's something i think you should talk to him about.
I think it's normal for you to feel uncomfortable and totally fine to a) figure out why him going out with these girls is an issue for you and b) express to him why it makes you uncomfortable.
It's up to him to decide if he will continue with his behavior - or, figure out a way to include you so you aren't uncomfortable.
I would get to the bottom of the "why don't they like you" issue. It it because of things he's said about you, or things they've noticed, or are they just in the immature "bros before hos" phase, like someone else mentioned? Regarless, their support is important. Plus, will any of these friends be in your wedding party? If so, you probably don't want to be miserable surrounded by people who don't like you on your wedding day!
If I were you I come along too, if his friends don't like you then too bad for them. The responsible person here is your boyfriend, if he cares enough he either brings you along no matter what his friends thing of you (because its not like is a guy thing when they have OTHER girls come hang out), or wouldn't hang out with his friends WITH the other girls around knowing that could make you uncomfortable. Just talk to him about it, try not to sound jealous hehe =)
Sometimes friends just don't like you. I knew Mr. KM's friends weren't the biggest fan of me even before I wheedled it out of him. They think I'm too sweet, too energetic and that I'm a hindrance to his career plans. That being said, this whole thing sounds weird. I've at least met his friends and know who he's hanging out with. And if I had a real problem with him hanging out with them, he'd either bring me along and tell his friends to deal with it, or not hang out with them anymore. I wouldn't have to ask, he would just do it.
Hmm.. my ex's friends didn't like me and it was a very bad situation. I mean, he chose me over them, but it just created bad feelings between us regardless. I get along very well with my FI's friends now and it's great. I don't always hang out with them, but I think that's better so he can have 'guy' time. But if there were other girls there I didn't know or didn't feel comfortable with, I'd definitely have to work something out..
At first, I was going to say that my FI has female friends I have not met and it isn't a problem, but its because we are long distance and I haven't had the opportunity yet. I think the bigger issue is that he would rather hang out with friends that don't like you, than with you and/or other more supportive friends. It isn't really about the girls but the fact that he is letting his butthole friends run the show. He should chose you over his friends, and if that means bringing you when they would rather him not, or not going at all, that's what he should do, not acquiesce to their childishness.
thanks for all the input. ive talked to him before but i think a lot of the problem with his friends are that theyre single and really in the "bros before hos" stage. i plan on talking to him again about this, i just need to gain the courage.
Hey jwinnings,
This is coming from a long time guy. First lets just examine the reason given.
HIS FRIENDS do not like you : horrible sign, if true his peer group has passed judgment on HIM and you. There is only one decision he can ethically make and that is to drop them or you.
IF FALSE,
This guy not wanting the girl that makes him the most happest in the world along while he is out doing things he enjoys could be from:
Girl that makes him the most happest is humiliating to be with. (He is humiliated to be seen with her for some reason such as she is a yeller. a bimbo, or he has an overinflated view of himself and she does not live up to his standards)
Girl purposelesy does or says things to humiliate him as comedy but he does not see it that way.
Those girls he says he dosent like are the only BJ he gets all month.
He is just not that into you.
You are not his only girlfriend.
From your point of view there is only one thing to do. RUN
This is not about trust. "His friends" don't like YOU. True or false no good can come from this. If at one year this is the situation think of how it will be in 15 with 2 kids.....RUN
Here, I will give you one little window into the type of minds you are dealing with.
"A moped is just like a fat chick. Thery are both fun to ride but you don't want your friends to catch you on one......RUN
50 yo father of 3 Girls.
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my boyfriend and i have been dating over a year. him and his friends often hang out with this group of girls i dont know. i just feel uncomfortable that he's hanging out with other girls i dont know without me. he wont take me along with him because his friends don't like me. he says he doesnt even like the girls they hang out with but then why is he hanging out with them? i know he's not cheating but I still feel weird about it. should i let it go or do you think its fair to say he should at least take me with him when hes hanging out with these girls.
I've met his friends before, his friends and i are just different kinds of people and they dont like me because i am younger than my boyfriend.