(Closed) Is It Okay to “Pressure”, Should I Feel Guilty About It?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Most men I know look at ‘marry me already’ pressure as a ‘she’s forcing me to propose’ type of thing.  Obviously, that doesn’t ususally end well.  However, I have known some bees on here that have said their guy needed a push.

It depends – were you flinging yourself on floor crying and telling him to put a ring on it or you’re out of here? lol  Or were you expressing to him that you want to be with him and you want to marry him tomorrow?  There’s a big difference between making someone feel like they have to buy a ring to make the girl act nice to them or making someone realize that you are sure, would say yes and want to marry him as soon as possible. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t see that there is any problem of talking out expectations.  What YOU need to do is decide how long you will be ok with waiting for him.  This doesn’t even have to be something you vocalize to him, just something that you talk to yourself about.  When my husband and I were in our waiting phase, we both KNEW we’d be getting married someday, the question was when was he going to ask me and whether his timeline would be ok with my timeline and needs.  We had a couple of talks about it and what were his fears about asking etc.  

The last talk we had before he proposed we had another talk about it.  He didn’t know when he’d be ready to ask, and he didn’t know what was holding him back.  So I told him that his choice in the matter was to decide if and when he would propose, and that no matter what, I wanted any proposal to be one that he meant with all his heart and NOT one that he made because I wanted him to.  I added that while his choice was to ask or not and when, mine was to decide how long I was willing to wait.  I told him that I was happy to give him time, but that one day there would come a time when I would have to make a hard decision because marriage IS important to me.  He, I think, felt a bit better knowing that I wasn’t going to try to force him, but that I was going to stand up for myself.  

I have no idea if that was the nudge he needed or not, but he asked me to marry him the next day!  After he asked it was like this huge weight lifted of his shoulders and he wondered why he hadn’t just done it sooner!  lol  

**NOTE: this worked out for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for everyone**

Post # 5
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I certainly did my fair deal of pestering before I got engaged.  We decided on a ring that we like a year before he proposed.  Everytime one of my friends got engaged he was the first to hear it from me.  “Oh, so and so just got engaged.  They started dating a year after us.”  Small stuff like that.  When I knew he didn’t want to talk about it I would back off.  

Finally I gave him a deadline.  I appealed to his practical side and told him that he would need to propose by the end of the summer if we wanted to get married by a certain date.  Of course he waited until the last possible moment, and threw in a few tricks along the way so I was still very surprised when it happened.  

Don’t worry yourself too much!  It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.  And once it does happen, savor it and enjoy being engaged for a little while before you rush in to planning.  Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t think its ever ok to pressure into a proposal, a small push or nudge in the right direction though is sometimes what they need. I wasn’t the most patient waiter. It took him saying , “just because you are ready doesn’t mean WE are ready.” to make me realize I needed to calm down. I knew he wanted to marry me but looking back I realize I was focused on myself a lot and not really paying attention to how I was possibly hurting our relationship, I’m glad I backed off. He knew my feelings as I’m sure your SO knows yours, continually “badgering” him is not the answer and personally I feel like if I would have stayed on him like I started too the proposal would have been postponed.

Post # 6
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am sorry you are in such a situation. My boyfriend also wanted to live together with me but I said that I am not going to do until I have a ring on my finger. That is the line I am not going to cross. I will only move once I have the ring.

But I am in a similar situation that my boyfriend is not very clear about moving the relationship to the next level and we have been dating for 1 1/2 years. I actually posted a post here this morning and this person gave the best quote that I think I am going to use when I talk to my boyfriend. He promised me that we would put all the cards on the table this holiday season.

” Life is about choices and the question that is before us is this: You have the following choices: To ask me or not and when.  And I definitely want you TO WANT to ask me but you need to keep in mind that I ALSO have a choice, and it is about how long I am willing to wait. I need to tell you that I put a lot of thinking about this and I am willing to wait until…. This is the choices that we have in front of us with this matter and I wanted to put everything on the table as you promised we would.”

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

What’s that quote? “Why buy the Cow when you can get the Milk for free?”.

My 2 cents, he’ll ask you when he wants to ask you. I’ve been proposed to 3 times, and each was when the guy wanted to. That’s not to say you shouldn’t sit down and have a conversation about both of your expectations, but badgering your man into a proposal is only going to get you a reluctant groom.

Post # 9
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have to add that setting a deadline isn’t the best thing to do for everybody.  In our case it had to do more with graduations and job issues more than anything else.  We knew that we wanted to get married in the summer of 2011 and that we needed to book our venue at least 1.5 yrs ahead of time, plus we only get to see each other 4 times a year.  So that really limited the opportunities for that timeline to work out.  Plus my fiance likes to procrastination, but if I give him strict deadlines then he gets stuff done.

Post # 10
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

@nowifey:

Sounds like you two have really good communication and have worked through a lot.  That’s the kind of ‘pestering’ and good talks that I think let guys know you’re ready and willing to marry HIM.  Good luck to you!!!

Post # 11
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

It is such a hard balance between “pestering” and “politely reminding”. I’m pretty sure we have all been in this situation or are currently in it.  We all just want to yell, “DO IT NOW! WHAT IS THE HOLDUP!?” but we have to approach it lightly or they boys will run away like a scared animal.  It’s good that you guys have talked about it but it sounds like you might feel better with a more precise timeline.  Maybe not with an exact date, but if he could narrow it down more for you that could help.  Or maybe he is waiting for something, like a promotion or the like, and once he hits that goal he could do it.  Try to get into his head a little bit, and do it when he is in a good/talkative mood.  It especially helps when the boy is the one to bring it up (ha, like that happens often!). Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t think it is ever a good idea to pressure someone into marriage.  Or even nudge really.  Why do you feel pressure to marry?  Do you not feel he is committed in other ways?  Is there a specific reason you want to marry?  I think if he “wants to be with you for the long run” there is no reason to push.  I would let him take his time, as long as I felt he was committed.  Good luck! 

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