(Closed) Is it possible to have a terrible engagement but wonderful marriage?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Is it possible to have a terrible engagement but wonderful marriage?
    Yes, it is very possible...you haven't worked out the relationship "kinks" yet...hence the stress. : (16 votes)
    17 %
    No...A terrible engagement is a sign that you should not get married. : (29 votes)
    31 %
    It depends on what you guys are upset about. I will explain in this blog. : (50 votes)
    53 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    730 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Happened to my parents – their 8-month engagement was miserable because their families had very different conceptions of what the wedding should be like, who should come, where it should be, etc. So they were both kind of torn between their parents and their fiance. Tough stuff. 

    BUT – they’re going on a trip to Italy next month to celebrate their 25th anniversary, so it all worked out! Haha.

    Post # 4
    Member
    10851 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    That’s a tricky question. What are you fighting about? I mean, if you’re getting into fights about wedding details, I wouldn’t get too worried about it. Wedding planning is stressful and often that can relay itself into other areas subconsciously. If you’re fighting about whether or not you want kids, how to handle money, etc, that’s stuff you should really work towards sorting out now because for most people those are deal breakers.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9825 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I firmly believe wedding planning can either bond a couple or point out the glaring flaws in their relationship. Is it possible? Sure! As long as both parties are on the same page about what the issues have been.

    Post # 6
    Member
    432 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Gosh, I don’t know. Depends on why the engagement is rocky I suppose because marriage doesn’t just magically make everything better.

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    Oh gosh, we fight all the time. Our engagement was even worse because… umm our families are crazy. And we are stressed out. Long-distance relationship was 2.5 years too long, so we are getting anxious about finally being together, yay! We aren’t perfect. But we always go to sleep happy no matter what. I think you can have a wonderful marriage whether you have an awful engagement or not.

    But yes, it depends on what you’re fighting about. AKA cheating, etc etc. Even then, there are stories everywhere of people who make it work. 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    1480 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @2shy2Bbf: Well… those aren’t really situational problems that are going to fix themselves, or be resolved with marriage. Those are pretty serious issues that go right to the heart of the relationship. If I were you, I’d want to work all of that out before you are legally bound to each other.

    Post # 10
    Member
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    Oh I just saw your post.

    Spirituality – This would be a problem for me if we were at very different places. Yet everyone grows differently, so I think you can make it work.

    Finances – Take a Dave Ramsey class togther, please! My fiance and I are doing this and we are able to talk about what we like and don’t like about it… while learning to make wise financial decision. Google, FPU Online, or Dave Ramsey.

    Family – Not a deal breaker. Y’all will have to learn how to incorporate your two family stlyes into your own family. It’s hard (my situation is like yours in this instance) but it’s worth it 🙂

    Getting Married – I would suggest pre-marital counseling to discuss all of these issues. It gives you an objective person that allows each couple to talk about how they feel on certain issues. Y’all can also get to the bottom of whether he wants to get married or not. He may be scared as hell (like many guys). Counseling will help, I can’t wait to start ours!

    Post # 11
    Member
    6893 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I agree with @jayce:. The issues you outlined aren’t typical “wedding related” fights, and are more about the relationship itself. Do I think engagements are argument free and without new arguments? No, because I think your relationship continues to grow. I think you guys are at a point where it is either fix those core issues or move on. He obviously feels the same way, as I take it him “pushing the date back” has a LOT to do with him feeling like you guys aren’t ready either. Maybe he just can’t verbalize it as well.

    Post # 12
    Member
    8738 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @2shy2Bbf: Wow… those are the big ones. God, Money, and Family.

    Have you thought about pre-marital counseling? You really need find a way to discuss these issues. These are not things that will just go away once you are married (other than pushing the wedding date back).

    These are serious issues and you need to work them out before you get married, or at least figure out how to discuss these issues without them turning into a fight.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2246 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I think I am currently have a terrible engagement because of wedding plans. THey are so stressful on us both. We never argue but recently raise our tone because someone isn’t doing their part (him ^_^). So I would say that if this is the type of terrible engagement its understandable. Bridezilla might take over or the lazy groom might kick in.

    Post # 15
    Member
    6893 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    @2shy2Bbf: I’m sure it is terribly scary, but if he doesn’t “believe” in counseling, can he logically explain why? There are different TYPES of counseling that may be better suited to his personality and thought processes. I wish you the best of luck.

    Post # 16
    Member
    7697 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I think those are very big issues to work out.  I hope you can get some type of non-“counseling”–There are places to get financial planning/homeownership type workshops, (at your local community college, city/county workshops etc) again-it would be good to continue to see your pastor to continue exploring your comfort with faith based issues-maybe you can start both get involved in the church you belong to in a way that you both feel comfortable with. And at the minimum -talk about how you would like your “family life” to be the same and different from the ones you grew up in.  There is no problem with taking the time to work these out-or deciding you are not in the same place and deciding that maybe you are not meant to be together.  Perhaps there are family or friends whose marriage/family life you admire.  Maybe visiting with them would be good too.  I wish you much luck. 

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