Post # 1
As I have posted in many previous posts, i’ve been with SO for 7 years and we just moved in together (I’m 24, he is 26). We have always planned on getting married after we move in together.
I have been wanting to get engaged for a while. The idea of him getting down on one knee and giving me a ring keeps re-playing in my mind over and over. The more people I see get engaged and show off their rings, the more I want one.
Marriage, on the other hand, means pretty much nothing to me. My parents are divorced as well as my 6 aunts and uncles. I don’t see the purpose of marriage when there is such a thing as divorce. I would be perfectly content with living together and having kids without getting married if it weren’t for legal/health benefits. That is all I see marriage as, legal and health benefits. When I think of spending the rest of my life with my SO, I feel like we are already doing that. I wish to live with him forever and spend my life with him, a piece of paper just doesn’t mean a thing to me. I do not want a wedding.
When I really think about it, I am just interested in having an engagement ring, or even just a diamond ring from him or a nicer ring than the one I have to symbolize us. I already have a promise ring from him that he gave me when we were younger and had first started dating which I wear all the time, but I want that diamond ring just for the sake of having one.
Does this make me materialistic?
Post # 3
@Stranger516: a little bit materialistic (hey, most of us are a bit materialistic)
But I think it’s a cultural thing as well. The e-ring represents a commitment that is recognized in many cultures, so having one identifies you as being “taken” or “in a very serious relationship.” Its also a “big moment” which is also fun to experience.
I gotta say, people do treat you differently when you have an e-ring. At least in my experience. It was very odd, that a ring changed people’s perception of our relationship.
Post # 4
I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a diamond. I love jewlery. I have a laundry list of rings I’d like to have(WB is not helping with this, the list gets longer everytime I stalk the ring boards). If you really have no interest in marriage or being engaged, let your SO get you a diamond and wear it on your right hand. That way you don’t have people nosing into your business assuming its an engagement ring.
I would recommend designating each other as Power of attorney for Health/financial matters. You should also have a will and a living will drawn up. Heaven forbid something should happen to either of you, you are going to want this legal protection.
Post # 5
Is it possible to only want to get engaged for the ring?
Yes, but then it’s not really an engagement ring, it’s just a ring, and that’s fine.
Does this make me materialistic?
Yes, but that’s ok. You can want a ring, I just wouldn’t call it an engagement ring if you don’t like the idea of marriage.
Post # 6
Yeah, I sort of feel the same way. We’re still getting married but it’s an excuse to get nice pictures and run off to the mountains for a weekend more than anything. We’re eloping, but we’re already married as far as we’re concerned.
Despite that, the ring was very important to me. It’s heavily ingrained into us that it’s a special symbol of commitment, and yes people do take your relationship more seriously when there is money spent on something so impractical backing it up.
Is it materialistic? I don’t know. I like to think that it’s more of being a product of your environment than being materialistic. Most of us agree that the ring is important. Most also agree that it’s not the size or the price of the ring but the effort behind it. I think being more materialistic is placing greater importance on the ring specs than the people it represents.
Post # 7
In addition to legal/health benefits, people take your relationship a lot more seriously when you are married than they do based on your just having a ring. So if a ring is important to you in order to have your relationship taken seriously, I’d think that marriage would be even more important to you.
Post # 8
@Stranger516: This is a really interesting idea. I don’t think it makes you materialistic…at all. You are still planning to commit to your FI in a way very similar to marriage. It’s not as if you want the ring and then intend to break it off. I think in your case the ring still symbolizes a deep and strong commitment.
Also, one of our good friends and his SO are “engaged” but with no plans to get married. He gave her an engagement ring and she wears it on her left hand ring finger but they are not getting married. They have been together for about ten years and both have been marred before and both went through ugly divorces. They both have kids from their prior marriages and just have no interest in getting married again, though they are very committed to each other.
Post # 9
@2dBride: I could care less what other people think though.
Post # 10
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a ring as a symbol of your relationship!
Just don’t call it an engagement 🙂
Post # 11
I don’t think it matters either, as long as both of you are on the same page. Does he know your views on marriage, or would he be upset going through the “engagement” process only to find out that you arent planning on getting married?
Post # 12
The ring without wanting a marriage is kind of like having the whipped cream without the rest of the sundae. To me, there’s something really major about making it legal. It’s not just health benefits and a peice of paper. It’s a whole change of identity, new responsibilities that you cannot ditch (say your partner gets injured and can’t work— now it’s up to you to care for him physically and financially; you can’t just disappear and let his parents deal with it), and new privileges you couldn’t have before (adding your name to a deed without tax due, in many jurisdictions). You’re totally inter-twined once you marry. The ring is just a decoration. Maybe you need a little more time before pushing for a ring.
Post # 13
@Stranger516: Honestly, I find it to be kind of a joke when I see people get engaged with no plan for marrying – though the only people I know like this in real life are a very sweet couple that are just too flakey to get their act together, and a couple that got “engaged” too young and too early in their relationship. It kind of makes a mockery of marriage to take part in parts of it without valuing it at all.
It sounds like you want a promise ring, not to be engaged.
Post # 14
I think it makes you a bit shallow, to be honest. You want the commercialized “proposal production”, the going down on one knee, and you want the shiny ring. You seem to want it because everyone else has it….not because you have a real interest to marry the person you love. An engagment is a formal agreement to get married, a contract of sorts. If you want to get engaged just for the shiny ring, then you are completely missing the value and point behind getting engaged.
Post # 15
I think you can have the ring, but if you don’t want to get married, you can’t really have the proposal. If you want a ring (kinda like your promise ring but nicer) to show your commitment I really see no harm in it. Ultimately its up to you and your boyfriend and what is right for your relationship.
Post # 16
I don’t see any problem with getting a ring to symbolize your commitment. That’s really all an engagement ring is anyway. I wouldn’t call it an engagement ring though, if you’re not planning to get married. I’d call it a commitment ring or something.
If you do want to get married for legal reasons you can do so, no one will force you to have a wedding. You can go to the courthouse if you want.