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Would it be possible to do both? You could have your dream wedding the way you want- small, intimate- and let your parents plan a reception for you later [for all of their friends]. That way it's 'your' day, but your parents can fulfill their social duties. You could space them out by a day or two, or maybe do the parental stuff after your honeymoon as a 'welcome back!' celebration.
Good luck. I think your idea sounds beautiful!
Yeah, we did basically what lily said - had the ceremony and reception exactly the way we wanted, and then just let my husband's parents & grandfather throw us a huge banquet later exactly the way they wanted. We didn't even know what the cake would be like or the decorations or anything; it was just THEIR party but we were the guests of honor. They were happy because they got to invite tons of people we'd never even heard of (who wouldn't have really cared about going to the ceremony anyway) and we were happy because the "real" wedding was our way. (This only works if you pay for the "real" wedding yourself though...most parents won't want to spring for both!)
thanks everyone. I have actually been secretly thinking of having two receptions and my Dad actually called me last night and suggested the idea but later my Mom called and was upset that we were splitting it up. But something will have to give! the Chinese reception after honeymoon sounds perfect and I love the idea of us just being guests of honor without having to worry about planning for such a large group. and after searching thru the boards the two reception idea sounds quite common for asian families! :)
Yeah, I think splitting it up is pretty common for asian families now. I know several people that have done it that way.
Maybe you need to have a chat w/your mom and let her know that you really want something intimate for your wedding but am trying to come to a compromise with a second event. If that doesn't work, just throw the whole "well, it's either two events or we just elope and go get married on a vacation" threat. hahahaha
I'm Chinese too and had a banquet just so I wouldn't have to deal with this particular issue! Good luck!
i just talked to parents on both sides and both moms are unhappy with having a separate reception (which really surprised me). the FMIL said she wants her friends to attend the ceremony and simply having a banquet sometime later will not do. they insist on having one reception and have made it clear they are not having it outdoors and a cocktail reception with heavy hors d' oeuvres is totally unacceptable. i'm about to pull my hair out! it seems it's either their way or no way. and i've considered eloping but I know this will piss off both our parents... and should i risk that?? :(
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i was in a similar position with my future in-laws. they are korean and very traditional. i wanted to do a small(er) wedding of 80. they wanted a big 250+ person wedding. the big wedding would be mostly their guests and friends (most of whom I have never met). they explained that having a separate reception would be insulting to their close friends and guests (i could never understand this reasoning) and outright refused to do a separate reception. oh, and my visions of a quaint, vintage inspired venue were quickly replaced by a lavish downtown hotel. basically my little dream wedding was flushed down the toilet! i was unhappy for awhile, but we've found ways to compromise.
my wedding hasn't happened yet, so i can't give you any advice from the "other side", but i think pissing off your parents and future in-laws by eloping is a bad idea. you don't want to enter your marriage under those circumstances. maybe there are still ways to compromise with your mom. perhaps you can talk to her and get her to condense her guest list a bit. in terms of venue, maybe you can look for hotels with gardens/outdoor areas and do the ceremony outdoors and the reception inside the hotel. Just brainstorming ways to compromise so everyone is happier. these issues are never easy, but don't worry - you will find ways to get through it. best of luck!
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Is there any way to maybe do a fake second wedding? Have the small intimate wedding you were dreaming of and then maybe have a second "fake" wedding in someone's backyard so it won't be so costly and will satisfy your mom and FMIL? That way her friends can see you "get married".
stressgirl: thanks for the suggestion but fake second ceremony maybe more trouble than it's worth since the guest count from the parents side is about 120 total (outnumbering our personal friends).
carly: yeah i don't understand it either but FMIL felt the same way (insulted) about having sep. reception. I may just have to do a more traditional sit-down dinner indoors instead of the chic outdoor/cocktail reception I had envisioned.
I just wanted to add something....I know traditions tend to get in the way of what seems to be our perfect wedding day. And yes, the majority of the time we go traditional because of our families. I wanted my husband and I to sneak off somewhere all alone, on a beach, no guests or anything and get married, because that is what this whole thing is about. Unfortunately, our families would have killed us. So throughout our year and a half engagement I kept thinking back to my original plans, calling off the big stupid wedding several times (not joking, called all our immediate family and everything - more than once). Ultimately of course, we did it their way. And what I learned after the fact is that number one, it was so nice having everyone there supporting this relationship and being honestly happy for us. But most importantly is number two - Throughout the whole night the only thing I saw was him. He is all I remember, and the rest simply didn't matter. We could have been alone, we could have been with 500 guests (though, thank god we weren't) - in the end, we were together and we are married. So - yes, it is mostly about you. But your families are definitely involved. I guess if it makes them happy, do it for them, because ultimately you are getting what you want too. And no matter what kind of wedding you have, it is all an amazing, emotional, special day so enjoy it!
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we have always wanted a small intimate wedding (30 guests)- nothing too serious or over the top (I was hoping for an outdoor garden wedding with finger foods and good alcohol). there are certain things we're willing to splurge on but in general we wanted just a few of our closest friends and immediate family.
as i've started venue shopping it has become all about the parents. this may be because my parents are (traditional) Chinese.. i'm not sure but my mom has repeatedly told me that this is not about me + FI but it's about the families. her g-list includes ppl i haven't met or don't care to meet again and she was unhappy with my outdoor idea and much rather have a Chinese banquet dinner in a hotel or restaurant (which i refuse). it's starting to feel more like a party for the parents and their friends.
Sorry long post. anyway, is there no point in me being upset with this and just do as they say? Or is it not so bad to do what we want and be happy with that decision?? anyone have similar frustrations?