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I am with you.
Nearly 4 years with hubby and we have never 'fought'.
I get irritated when others say this is a bad sign. I think it is evidence of our mutual respect and capacity for open communication. We are both in our 30's so I think that may help a lot! I have had volatile relationships in the past, but I think we may have had some issues with non matching moral stances on most of the 'big' issues.
: )
i fight. im the angry temper tantrum one. he just listens till im done. when im done he makes me sit down and talk about it so im really only fighting with myself.
We're another couple with you.
Tearing down someone you love is completely unwarranted and to us is unacceptable. We certainly disagree but being ugly & yelling is not something we do.
A remember that my dad's ex was like that... never yelled and her thing was
"Choice Words... you cannot take them back so choose wisely"
This helped mold me into how I handle disagreements now with my DH.
I am with you! I do not understand why it is a bad thing...what in the?! When did respect, love, and open communication become so negative? lol. He was brought up to never raise his voice in anger, especially to a lady, and I have been raised to set aside differences and discuss issues rather than argue...I just wish people would see the love behind the act of not fighting...jeesh lol
@Annebanan: Yep! But in the end WE are the lucky ones aren't we!! I have enough drama in my life (high stress job where I work with complex people) that I feel so happy to come home and know peace!
I love that saying =), it is so true! I just get tired of people, young and old, telling both FI and I that "Oh, just you wait! It'll blow up sooner or later!" or "You two aren't 'healthy' if you don't fight"...I mean, goodness, lol for pete's sake, I LOVE him, I do NOT want to hurt him with what I say or do! Fighting is just downright silly to us, it makes you forget what a relationship is all about...respect, admiration, sacrifice, and love =).
@MrsOliveBird: Amen and Amen to that!! =) It is nice to know that no matter what has happened during the day, no matter what ya faced out in the world that day, you can come home to a pair of peaceful, loving arms that show you respect, honor, and love more than any argument can show =) lol
It just depends on your definition of the word fight. I think that when some people say it's unhealthy to never fight they mean that it's unhealthy to never disagree. That seems strange to me too.
i can only recall one yelling fight and it lasted less than 8mins - its not us.
i do get moody and im guilty of snapping at him when its not fair (im working on this) but we dont fight. we have different opinions and we dont agree all the time but i think yelling (especially name calling) and tearing down the person you are suppose to love isnt healthy
In this post, fighting as in raising your voice, throwing words in the other's face, calling each other names, and/or in general, making the other feel low and insignificant...I agree! I too find it a lil odd if a couple agrees on every itty bitty detail in life...that would kinda freak me out lol my FI wouldn't be himself, he'd be...a clone of me...which is something the world does not need lol.
@Annebanan: learning that totally changed my life! I grew up in a house where whoever yelled loudest won so those times in discussions with her were grueling b/c I wanted to yell & fight BUT she taught me that I didn't have to be like that and even though I've still snapped or had a not the nicest attitude at times I haven't torn down DH or anyone else since then and I'm very glad to be able to say that.
Hear ya on that one...especially when I am worried about something that is out of my control (I too am working on that)...it's tough, especially when they're so calm and even keeled, and we just kinda snap
I love that saying =), it is so true! I just get tired of people, young and old, telling both FI and I that "Oh, just you wait! It'll blow up sooner or later!" or "You two aren't 'healthy' if you don't fight"...I mean, goodness, lol for pete's sake, I LOVE him, I do NOT want to hurt him with what I say or do! Fighting is just downright silly to us, it makes you forget what a relationship is all about...respect, admiration, sacrifice, and love =).
Fi and i have been together a while and we have never fought....however we do have disagreements! we talk every night about what issues we are having or just to talk...I love not fighting...it is so peaceful in the house because of that.
We are the same way! And it seems like it's essentially unheard of in our friends/age group (18-22).We sometimes get the whole "it's healthy to fight, you're supposed to, blah blah blah" speech too, but we don't feel like it's necessary. If we have an issue, we talk about it. We let each other talk and give our viewpoints and sometimes cry it out. Sometimes we resolve it, and other times we have to agree to disagree. We definitely DON'T agree on everything, and we have lots of disagreements. But we don't yell or namecall or cut each other down. My family is notorious for that, and they have some VERY unhappy relationships. So they can go ahead and tell me it's "not healthy," and I'll go ahead and have a happy marriage anyway.
I'm like cr6zy, I get angry, I yell, scream and fight - but it usually ends up being with myself because he doesn't engage. Sometimes I get mad at him for not fighting back with me, but he doesn't see the point in fighting. I don't think he's ever raised his voice to me. He's very laid back and easy going, I'm not (although I try to be), so it's rare we even disagree on anything because he's usually happy to go along with what I want. That's not to say he doesn't have opinions or ideas, he certainly does. He just picks what he thinks is important, and when he strongly expresses how he feels about something (or does without my prompting), I listen because I know it must mean a lot to him. We also agree on most of the major things in life (finances, kids, lifestyle, etc), so that helps a lot.
I've been in relationships where we fought all the time, yelled and screamed, and he punched walls, etc. What I have now is so so so much healthier.
@flutterbi: ya usually once i get my yelling and anger out im good lol. there was even one day he told me if i was mad to hit him. so i socked him in the shoulder and you know who it hurt more? me...hes got a boney shoulder ha ha ha
We (24 & 27) usually talk it through, even if that does involve me crying (dont know why, but frustration/confusion/anger etc all make me cry) but about once a year have a real in your face, scream at each other blue. I am proud to say we never attack each other verbally or otherwise, its always 'on topic'... most of the time its come at a time when we are both stressed and have just felt overwhelmed and lashed out at each other.
We do however REFUSE to go to sleep without resolving it. Our fights dont last longer than 20 mins and we always apologise, talk and make up. Its forgotten in the morning and we go about like it didnt happen. I think that there is nothing wrong with 'fighting' as long as its fair and respectful. You can yell, scream and cry without nasty names, low blows, threats and ultimatums.
I think that when people say this what they actually mean is that it's not healthy to never disagree. I was in a 2 year relationship before where we literally never disagreed...and it turned out he was basically sacrificing his own happiness in order to never disagree, which obviously wasn't healthy. Getting physical or cussing eachother out is NEVER healthy.
I think that when people say this what they actually mean is that it's not healthy to never disagree. I was in a 2 year relationship before where we literally never disagreed...and it turned out he was basically sacrificing his own happiness in order to never disagree, which obviously wasn't healthy. Getting physical or cussing eachother out is NEVER healthy.
I agree with Courtney. Often when a couple doesn't fight, one of them is usually the one to smooth things out and compromise. Eventually, they will blow up or be very sad.
When you disagree, do you resolve issues completely evenly? If so, then more power to you. I definitely fight.
BTW, Annebanan, a civil disagreement is still a fight. It doesn't have to get ugly or physical, or have yelling. The definition of a couple's fight is
Fight 2
Definition: To act in opposition to anything; to struggle against; to contend; to strive; to make resistance.
When your friends say not flighting is unhealthy, they probably think you're saying you always agree with one another.
I think that DH and I just have a dynamic where we show that we disagree. We both have very strong personalities and when we dont agree with something then we will be honest about that and yeah sometimes we fight. We have the ability to resolve an argument without keeping things in. But that's just us- we are a very passionate couple.
I think it is unhealthy to keep your opinions in, and to be passive about things. But if you and your FI are resolving things then its not unhealthy at all.
@Cola262:I agree, fighting can just be as simple as disagreeing or in opposition for one another, but "fighting" nowadays, in most cirlces, turns into drag out, knock out fights that leave emotional bruises more than they do physcial...it is very sad that people can't just disagree and actually talk it out, whether you agree to disagree or resolve the matter completely...I get the whole "You are unhealthy because you don't fight" from my friend who is a relationship that is toxic...they fight, as in emotional blackmail, yelling, cursing at one another, etc rather than just sit down, and talk it out. I really do agree that if a couple is in agreement ALL the time, then there is something a bit off there...especially if one is more than likely not being his or her self. Disagreement can really shape a pretty unique relationship; it all depends on how you as a couple handle it.
I wish I was more like this. I have a hot temper, and tend to yell and get mean when I'm angry. I'm working on it...
Lol I love to disagree with FI sometimes because it shows how two different people can work together to solve issues or problems. I love that he has his own mind and opinion on things, and he loves me for the same exact reason. It is nice to have someone with a different point of view that can show you various ways to solve or resolve an issue that you would have never thought of before =).
Like some PPs said, I think they just mean that it's not healthy to never disagree or to shove one person's opinions under the rug in interest of "keeping the peace". My husband and I rarely fight, and when we do we don't cut each other down or say things we'll regret later, but we certainly disagree. And when we do it shows that we're comfortable with each other and trust each other enough to reveal what we really think, not to just gloss over issues. I think it's just another form of communication that can be fine as long as it's done respectfully (ie. I raise my voice if I'm super passionate about something, but I never direct an insult to my husband to prove my point).
I don't know anyone who regularly does the knock-down drag-out fight, especially not physically, with a longstanding relationship. And if the ones that do fight that way can't keep their relationships together and healthy, there's your answer on that style of communication.
@MrsSl82be:=) You are working on it, just like we are all working on ourselves! As long as you are working on it, that's all that matters! I get so emotional sometimes (especially around that time of the month!) and can literally cry over the silliest of things, so you are not alone in working on yourslef...trust me, we all have things to work on. =) and you'll get there, just keep plugging away at it
@MrsWrangler:Exactly =), you shouldn't gloss over the issues at all! And it's awesome when you can be passionate about something, and show that side to your DH =). It's really just one friend that is in that situation, and I suppose you're right; it is just with my age group, I feel that if we are not yelling or fighting it out in that way, then we are labeled "weird" or "not normal" which is fine by me really. I just wanted some opinions on how a couple should fight =). Again, disagreement is amazing in a relationship, and it would be very unhealthy to gloss over any issue, problem, or disagreement. It is all in the way a couple handles their differences that will shape the relationship
OP i completely agree with you; I grew up where fighting and yelling was the norm (and for a lot of people it is) but it is definitely NOT the healthy way of going about things. My husband and I have never had a fight like that. Like you, we disagree on things...talk it out...state our sides...and compromise when need be.
@Annebanan: Agreed. Sorry, maybe you said this earlier, but what age group are you in?
We 'fight' too, as in, having a civil disagreement. We're not 100% perfect about it, since we both tend to get slightly pouty at times, but we're definitely working on it. I also hate it when couples scream at each other in front of their friends. It just makes life awkward. I believe disagreements should really wait for some privacy where everyone can be honest and friends aren't involved.
I think when you go the route of screaming/yelling/insults when you fight, it chips away at the relationship little by little. I was engaged before to someone I loved very much but he could NOT control his temper and it killed our relationship. I was scared to be open and honest with him because I don't like confrontation and dreaded his reaction.
My soon to be FI is a crisis intervention police officer/part time pastor so he has really modeled the way we "argue"! Ha! He always prefaces any disagreement with "I'm saying this in love ..." or "the fact that we disagree right now does not change the fact that we love and respect each other". I LOVE this and we can get to a compromise or solution so much faster and without anger!
@Annebanan: Thanks! I am definitely always a work in progress. THings are always getting better, and sometimes hubs has to look at me and say, "babe, why are you yelling at me??" and I don't even realize it sometimes :/
I am the one with the temper.. and its bad at times. But he lets me rant and rave until I get it all out of my system, then we sit down talk like a normal couple lol I know I need to work on my temper but we never scream belittle eachother or get physical. thats a little over the top and not healthy.
Dh and I don't fight or even disagree on anything of importance (what we do "disagree" on is like...I want to eat at X and he wants Y. Not a big deal and never treated like one). We lovingly discuss issues or whatever topic merits such loving discussion. We aim to never hurt the other person, be that physically, with words, tone of voice, manipulation, etc.
Probably helps that we're both easy going and want to bless the other person.
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Hi Lovely Bees,
Any other couples find fighting/arguing a waste of time and energy? My FI and I do not fight whatsoever; however, we disagree on things, but actually discuss, talk, and resolve issues in a manner that does not require any tearing down of one another. We find this a NORMAL way to handle life's bumps...HOWEVER, a few other couples we know (similiar to our age-early to mid 20's) keep saying "It's healthy to fight!" Umm...I agree, it is healthy to disagree on issues/opinions and working through them, but I refuse to yell or raise my voice to the man that loves me and tear him down with my words. He has never raised his voice to me; we just do not see the point in fighting over manners that can be discussed and talked about. I have a friend that lives with her boyfriend, and all they do is fight...sometimes, it has gotten physical in the sense that her bf has punched a wall, or stood in her way of leaving, and she has screamed at him for the stupidest of things...yet she keeps telling me that fighting is what "real" couples do...are my FI and I alone in this? Is fighting what real couples do? Or do real, genuine couples decide to set aside their pride, and discuss (not raise their voices) the matters at hand, no matter how hard they may be?