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No, it's not required! Maybe pick a few where a lot of people will attend instead of the smaller events.
I think working towards a balance is key! You definatley want to enjoy DH and time with family but you also need to know that you don't have to be everywhere all the time.
Pick and choose!
@Treasure43: I'm not married yet, but i doubt being so would change how we are. I'm not like that at all. We go our separate ways a lot. It doesn't bother us. We have been together two years and have not spent one christmas together yet. I always go home to my family (2 hours away) and he stays here with his family. No biggie to us. Same with other holidays. We are hardly together for any of them. Mostly this has to do with his work schedule, he works most holidays, and I refuse to sit at home in our apt alone when I could be home with my family. So he attends his family holidays when he's off work, and I go home to visit my family. So far no one has complained about this.
I've tried letting them know that just because I don't attend every single event doesn't mean I don't care about the family, but they really can't seem to understand this. They view family events as something it's an obligation to attend. Whereas, I would rather it be something I WANT to do then feel forced.
I don't believe so. You do have a life outside of his family. What about yours? Does he attend every single function/get together? You do need some down time just to yourself.
OMG, I'm dealing with this currently.
I can't say what is right or wrong but I do feel that if I'm pulled too thin, I'm going to snap. I try to make it to a majority of the events, but there is just no way I can handle going to every dinner and every party. I've tried to overlap plans with my own family so that I have an excuse at times.
His parents basically require us to be present for dinner every Friday night. It has put a damper on my social life and EXHAUSTS me. It is hard to be "on" all the time, you know? As a preface, I also WORK with my FI's family, so you can imagine that this would be extra challenging. Long day of work, trying to remain calm amidst family drama and then having dinner together?? This weekend Shabbat dinner was canceled and I jumped for JOY. Hey, we're only human right?
If it is a very important event, I go and say to myself that if I really don't want to be there any longer, I'll go and make an appearance and exchange some pleasantries. Most of the time, I end up staying because it's not so bad, but a few times I have left early and that seems to work as long as you don't do it too abruptly.
If it is a legitimate excuse like work, and they can't accept that, that's their problem, btw.
Also, if it's an event I would want my FI to be present at if it was MY family, I go. Just make sure that your DH is being fair and attending all YOUR events too.
@MissPumpkinPie: It's a bit different with my family because they live far away and we only see them once or maybe twice a year. However, if he couldn't come with me (due to work or something), sure I'd be sad but neither me nor my family would think he didn't care about us.
Definitely not required.
I'd talk to the Mr. as well and explain how much you love his family but you'd also enjoy taking time outs for just yourself or even just the two of you. His family might be more understanding if you skipped out on the events together, but still attended a lot.
@Treasure43: Hmmm.. yeah, I wouldn't take it as if you didn't care because you weren't with them more than once a week. Well, what sort of events are these? I can't imagine a family getting together three times a week! Haha. It was common in my family to have one get together on Sundays for our Sunday dinner (go Italians), but that's about it. It was a day to eat, relax, and catch up.
I don't think you have to, but then I don't think he is obligated to attend every family event either. Sometimes life just gets in the way and you can't make it. When we lived near my family FI enjoyed being part of my family and usually came with me but sometimes he had to work or had another obligation and couldn't make. Hopefully your inlaws will realize you love and appreciate them, but sometimes you simply can't be there.
I don't care for my in laws so it may be a bit different, but I don't go to everything and I don't think you should have to either.
I'm in a similar situation where we don't see them much either (1-2 times a year). I still skip out on stuff- work is a great excuse in my opinion (and I always plan my work around their visits)
@Treasure43: I don't think you have to attend each and every thing (especially 3 in a weekend, sheesh!). I'd try to find a balance with DH. If he's really on this 'other half' kick, then tell him that sometimes you just need some wind-down time and a break at home, and as your other half, he can decline one of the three invites and spend a lazy day with you. Balance is key, and some folks just like to do a lot of social events while others don't. Nothing wrong with either viewpoint.
I'm not sure you have to be at every event, but if your husband is going and most of the family is going to be there, I think you should go... especially if your absence is going to be noticed.
If you have work or other commitments that's one thing, but skipping on spending time with the family just because you want to lounge at home has the possibility of being taken the wrong way.
My co sister-in-law once attended a mother's day gathering for my mother-in-law, and her persistent pouty demeaner was the beginning of the end for that relationship. So if you go, defiitely act like you want to be there. :)
@MissPumpkinPie: Well this weekend it was two dinners and a baby shower. I attended the baby shower but had plans with a friend for the first dinner and was exhausted/felt like crap for the second.
Honestly, I think I'm just a bit more independent and going to every single event with my husband because neither of us can be without our "other half", makes me a bit quesy. I feel like once in a while if something comes up, the other should be able to go to an event without their "other half".
I agree with other posters. You don't need to attend every single event.
But I do think as his wife, you should try to make a percentage of the events. You have married into a highly close family and you need to respect and comprimise somewhat, by spending time with them. For me, I would consider one activity a week sufficient, but it sounds like they might expect more. Let your husband know how much you care about his family, but explain your need for "me time" in order to keep a good balance in life.
@NDBee: I like your comment about balance. I think that's what both DH and I and the ILs are struggling with. They want me at 100% of the events and I feel a little bit overwhelmed and pressured by that. I'm not saying I'm only going to be going to half the events or anything. I do like spending time with them....I just don''t like the pressure/expectation to be at every event or else it's seen that I said "to hell with the family".
@MissShork: I do attend 99% of the events. This was the first time I haven't made a family event. And it was something that DH and I have discussed in counseling and our counseler said that we needed to try and come to a compromise where I don't feel so smothered and pressured. I guess it will just take time to find a balance and get used to different ways of doing things. I just hate feeling like because I do things differently, I must be wrong.
@Treasure43: Yah, deifnitely didn't mean any offense. I think your feelings are totally justified.
I've had similar issues with my inlaws in that I got in trouble for wanting to also see my family. Apparently, in my husbands family, no one ever splits the holidays and I really had to discuss with my husband that we needed to share our time.
@Treasure43: I can sympathize there. I feel pressure from FMIL to be at every family event/dinner. Even if I have plans. Ex: I made an appt at a bridal salon a month in advance (trying to get my mom and 3 sisters all with the same day off was a nightmare) and my FSIL planned a retirement dinner for FMIL for the same day, but only told us a few days before. Well, of course I couldn't go, my mom took a vacation day to go dress shopping, my other sister took half a day off work, and the other 2 alrady had the day off. She was mad at me because i wouldn't change the appt. Some people think the world revolves around them and their family. And they find it hard to accept an daugther/son-in law that doesn't roll that way. I just attend what i can/want to and that's that.
As I said before, we do go our separate ways a lot, and it doesn't bother us as a couple, so we don't worry too much about it.
@Lee_Ann: I think the issue is that it bothers DH. And that's why we need to find a balance. So he can be happy with the way things are and so can I :)
I think the fact that your DH wants you there is more important than the IL's... although, I can understand that he feels lame if his family is asking where you are and the impression is that you don't want to be there or spend time with them.
To answer the question of your post title - I really think it's ulimately up to you and DH to decide.
I don't think it's mandatory nor do I think it's realistic to go to every single event. Things come up, other obligations, plans, etc.
Are you not going primarily because you don't want to? Or is it because something else got in the way?
I am VERY independant - yet, if I knew DH really wanted me to go with him to his family function, I would go through with it for his sake.
I work for a family that could be your IL's. Their DIL doesn't show up to things and I work with the son. They give him SUCH a hard time for her no-show and it's now gotten to a point of them just expecting her to be a no-show (and still giving him a hard time about it). I honestly think they take it personally (ie: why doesn't she like us or want to see us). But, the reality is - some people just have different threshholds of how much they want to see their IL's (IMO!).
Again - I don't think there is any right equation - but the thing I'd focus on is DH and the reasons behind why it's so important to him.
@oracle: There's a lot of good advice in your post! In one of the rare times when I can't make it to something, it's mostly because I had prior plans or something came up. I enjoy spending time with his family but sometimes it gets a bit much for me. I'm from a small family with lots of intimate dinners and holidays. His family is huge and while they are wonderful, all those people can be overwhelming and sometimes it gets to be too much for me. Of course if something is very important to DH, then I will go for his sake but the problem is that all events become huge deals. Even stopping by for a quick dinner is a 5-6 hour event. And there are still things to do around the house, events with friends, and I need a bit of downtime. I think it's balancing all of those things that we're struggling with.
@Treasure43: I think the key is to have you and DH come to a sound agreement. Whether that's a percentage of events, checking in with one another before accepting an invitation (key there is to treat it like it's an invite, not an obligation), or determining which events are really important vs those that can be skipped, just find something that works for you two as a couple.
As long as he gets your feelings, he should be able to kindly explain to his parents that you or both of you won't be attending x, y, or z, and that it means nothing about the status of your relationship with them, just that you were busy or tired, whatever. I think if he is understanding and supportive, then you're golden. ILs can deal ;-)
One a week sounds about right, but even then that's a lot. It's all about different perspectives. My own family once a week would drive me crazy enough, I couldn't imagine doing it with his.
That said because they're few and far between I go to every one logistically possible. Can I just say thank god I live across the country from the FILs.
I agree with the line of thought that YOU guys need to work it out. FI is at his dad's house right now (I'm at ours) because I understand that sometimes they like to have "guy days." Just him, his dad, and his brother. And honestly...I like my alone time! But if he wanted me to go, or if I REALLY wanted to be included, we would make that work.
I think this is more that he feels pressured by them when they ask where you are - and that in turn, it sounds like you don't "want" to be around them. It can get very awkward - trust me, we have had our fair share of "where do we go for the holidays" type situations.
Advice part: We are very clear about some events, which helps us. Example: birthdays. None of us have family birthdays on the same day, so there's no reason we would miss FBIL's bday for Brother's birthday or something. Also, the other family has to understand that we will be with the other family (as a unit) for birthdays. His dad has had some issues with this - more so, that FI is with my family more often for this because my family is bigger. FFIL and my mom have birthdays 2 days apart, but they are near a major holiday so generally we spend the day-of, rather than the weekend-of with each. (My mom's birthday is Christmas Eve - that further complicates Christmas, but you know, such is life.)
I think as long as you attend the big ones (Christmas, birthdays) it's fine. If you have 3 in a weekend, that's unreasonable. Aren't YOU allowed to have a life? Maybe just explain that you'd love to always be there, but you have work and other things that need doing. You'll always try your best to spend time with your DH's family on the most important occasions, but on the others you may have to prioritise differently.
Our situation is sort of tricky because both of our parents live 2 hours and 3.5 hours away from us respectively. When we go to visit, it's usually for the weekend, so we are always together for those visits. His family is quite introverted; my is the polar opposite. I come home exhausted from his family and he comes home exhausted from mine. We are still trying to work out how to fix this. The key for us is to understand when the other person has had enough. I can't deal with watching tv silently for hours and uncomfortable silences...it's tiring for me. So, I go to bed fairly early and take some time for myself. At my parents' place, I encourage my husband to go off for a couple of hours to read and just be quiet. He can then come back energized. Perhaps, during the marathon dinners, etc., you could just escape for a bit to catch your breath?
If our families come into town, that changes things. I'm pretty social; my husband is not. Some times he gets overwhellmed and need a day to himself. We make arrangements for that. I go to things by myself and I explain when I really need him to do something with me.
I think that your in laws and husband are being completely unreasonable, but the problem is really with your DH. If he thinks that you should be at his family events 3 times in one weekend, I'd like to know when you are supposed to have time for yourself, your family, hanging out with just him, etc.
I also think, given how many events you do go to and the fact that you do enjoy them, it's really unnescessary for your in laws and DH to say that you don't care about them when you miss an event. That just seems cruel to me.
I would sit down and go over expectations with your DH and set out your own. Come to a compromise. It sounds like DH is going to have to give a little.
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Just curious what you Bees think about this. DH and my ILs think I should be attending every single family even (and believe me there are a lot....sometimes even 3 in a weekend). If I don't come, due to work or wanting to stay home and have a little me time, or having prior plans, they say they feel that I don't care about the family. What do you all think? DH even made the comment that "as DH's other half...didn't it occur to me that if he was there....I should be too
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