Thank you thank you!! 🙂 Your words have helped me a lot, I love this place. Definitely some great advice and you’ve forced me to think about things I didn’t necessarily want to think about…
But I have an update! I emailed him Monday afternoon, pouring out every single thing I was feeling and thinking. I had to get it off my chest. He doesn’t check his email that often, so this morning before I left, I told him I’d sent him one. He checked it and wrote back, then we were on gchat together for awhile this morning. I think we really got a lot of things out in the open and got a lot cleared up. I really feel positive about us and the future. It basically boiled down to a couple of things
1 – I went hog wild when we set a date together, before an official proposal. This turned him off of the entire wedding subject and made him disenchanted about everything – proposing, the wedding, and even getting married.
2- I feel the need to have “emotional” conversations and talk about feelings, etc. more often than most. He doesn’t really require it or see the need for it period. We have come to a compromise on this which I think is a huge step in the right direction.
And also, I’ve kind of analyzed myself a bit and I honestly believe that when I didn’t get a proposal it made my self esteem drop even lower (I have issues with it anyway). In turn, I think this triggered some depressive thoughts on my end and just made me generally unhappy with myself and our relationship, which put a strain on it.
@deetroitwhat: I did make a Pros and Cons list (and even weighted them on a scale of 1-5 and added up points! LOL!) The pros definitely won.
@chelseamorning: As far as settling, I really believe most people do to a certain extent, even if they are completely happy. I think it’s rare for someone to find another person in which every single area and expectation is fulfilled. You are right in that you have to decide what type of settling you are okay with or how much you are okay with. What facets of another person’s character or personality are you okay on “giving up” a little with? Thinking about these choices really forces you to dig deep and think about what you need in another person for life. After our conversation today, I feel a lot of doors opened. I definitely understand things better from his perspective and I’m sure he feels the same way about me. I honestly do think some of my expectations (not all) are set too high. We had an amazing first 3-6 months of bilss (you know, the honeymoon stage! 🙂 ) and I just think I expect the level of excitement, infatuation, etc to last, and that’s truly impossible. Real life just doesn’t work that way. I have decided that I am better off with a stable, less intense relationship than I am with an emotionally unbalanced, but very intense relationship (which I have been drawn to in the past).
But good for you for realizing your requirements and what you knew you needed! That is an amazing, mature step to take in deciding who it is you want to spend your life with.
@Isilme: Thank you for the words of encouragement! 100% agree that relationships do ebb and flow. It is natural. I’ve discovered that my boy has one single (and relatively minor) deal breaker for me, but it is something that will change in the future (it’s a habit). We have compromised and both agreed to be more understanding of the others’ needs. I need to be more understanding of the time he likes to spend with his friends (which is not excessive by any means) and he needs to be more understanding of my emotional needs. He brought up a good point in saying “you can’t plant a tree and expect it to grow 50 feet in one year”… Meaning he doesn’t fully know me yet, and we need time to learn and grow together.
@chicagowife: He flat out told me “you scared me. I didn’t want to spend the first year of our relationship planning a wedding. (rightfully so).. I thought if I proposed, that’s all I would hear about all the time and I was scared of that. I do want to marry you, and we will get married. I just want to enjoy dating you right now. We’re together, we will be together, and that’s what’s important” I am totally okay with this answer 🙂
@sleepingbeauty88:Thank you for your response. You were totally right – a good talk was definitely what we needed. I feel rejuvenated. Like the previous posters said, I think ti’s just a matter of deciding what you are willing to sacrifice and give up on. Is he not open at all to being adventurous? Do some soul searching, girl, and things will work out. Just decide what you want to compromise on and what you don’t. It’s hard, but sometimes just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean he’s right. But then again, maybe he is right, and his lack of interest in things that interest you might provide a good balance for the future.
@SnugglesKD:I am “grass is greener” person too…. Really bad. I hate it, but I have to remind myself to focus on what I DO have and not what I could have. In reality, what are the chances of you being happier with a different partner? High, low? I had a boyfriend once who I deeply connected with emotionally. However, there were so many other areas he was lacking in that it just wasn’t worth it for me. So, I guess I need to remember in the boy I have now, I have pretty much everything I could ask for.. and the things I don’t have, he’s willing to work on. My gut now is definitely telling me to stay, last week it was telling me to go. I just need to take a breather and it will all work out!!