Post # 1
My little brother just got engaged over the weekend. He was already planning his engagement and wedding before he proposed to his gf. He had mentioned that he wanted me to be a BM. My brother is pretty anal about how he wants things done about anything, so I know he’ll be very involved in planning his wedding. He’s girly when it comes down to things like this. Lol. I know it’s the bride’s choice who she wants to be her BMs, but my mom also mentioned that the gf wanted me to be a BM as well because she has no siblings.
Now for the reason I want to decline. First off, I’m not so into coming out of weddings. My husband and I eloped secretly because I didn’t want to deal with all the wedding “stuff.” Lol. Second, they are planning to have their wedding sometime next year. Not sure exactly when. And DH and I are TTC now. Yay! We live 6 hours away from my family. I won’t have the time or money to participate in bridal events and DH would like to save up to get everything ready for when we do get pregnant. Also, if we get pregnant now, then by next year I’ll either be as big as a house or maybe having a newborn, by the time it’s their wedding day.
Although I am very happy and excited for them, I just would like to concentrate and focus on TTC and my pregnancy as of right now. Am I being selfish? How can I decline without making them feel it’s something personal against them?
He is my mom’s favorite child. Unfortunately, I have heard her say it more than once growing up. (That’s for another post. Lol) So I should mention if I decline I know my mom would make a huge deal over it and get offended. The reason why I’m not sure how to decline without drama.
Thank you for listening!
This topic was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by newbeelove.
Post # 2
My feelings would be hurt if my sister’s didn’t want to be involved with my wedding. One of my sisters declined being a bridesmaid, but she was basically our wedding planner and very much invollved in every way. If you don’t want to be a bridesmaid is there another way you could be involved?
Post # 3
nellybee: I know he’ll be hurt, but I just don’t want to be guilt into doing something I really don’t feel comfortable doing. I’m not saying I don’t want to be involved at all. I would be more than happy to do DIY projects. I’m an artist, so arts and crafts I can do easily.
Post # 4
Yes you’re being selfish. I see no reason to decline.
Post # 5
newbeelove: I suggest you take the high road and accept. This isn’t about whether you like “wedding stuff”. This is about supporting your brother and his FI.
You can tell him that you are TTC and because they haven’t set a date yet, if you are pregnant you will not be able to travel for pre-wedding events. If you are too close to delivery, or have just delivered, you may not make the wedding at all.
If you accept under those conditions, you will be supporting your brother and his FI, yet can totally focus on TTC and a potential pregnancy.
You can certainly ask that he keep the fact that you are TTC confidential.
All you will have to do is get the dress.
Post # 6
I would not decline for those reasons. i would make it clear to them that you won’t be able to afford to come to all the events though. It’s not worth the potential huge drama blow up IMO.
Post # 7
wait and see if SHE even asks you. then decline if you want to by saying the stuff about finacial burden and distance. TTC can be a journey, i’m on it too, so it could interfere or it could not so leave that private, but being far away and hard to committ to something so special is harder.
Post # 8
Explain to them both what you’re willing to help with, and what your concerns are, and let them decide if that fits their idea of bridesmaid.
Post # 9
newbeelove: I wouldn’t want someone who wasn’t enthusiastic about weddings to be in my wedding party, sister or not. Dont let anyone guilt you into being a bridesmaid. In my opinion when people are doing something because they feel they have to it never ends well. I’d rather you do it because you want to, which you don’t seem to want to.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Knowing how you feel about it, I wouldn’t want you in my wedding. I think you are being selfish, but that doesn’t mean you have to change your mind.
ETA- if you usually act like this (aka not all that considerate toward them), they probably won’t take it personally. They’ll probably just attribute it to your normal behavior.
ETA#2- Sorry if that sounded harsh. I’m trying to be straightforward about this one, but just as there’s no real way to step lightly around the issue you’re facing, I don’t think there’s a real way to step lightly around talking about it.
Post # 11
Trinisexy2: I know it sounds bad, but that’s how I feel. I don’t want to give that negative vibe like I’m being guilt or forced to be a BM.
My brother is all about family and I’m not, for personal reasons. I’ve always been the type to do things on my own and live away from my family. My brother is the type that always wants to be around family. He was very hurt when they weren’t there to see me get married, but then again they are not too happy with my relationship because my DH has PTSD and TBI from being in the military and they don’t understand what he goes through. They cause a lot of issues because they don’t understand why I’m with someone with “baggage.” Which really upsets me that they think he’s “broken” and I should be with someone who doesn’t have issues. It’s really hard to be with someone with his condition, but we are happy and love each other very much. We started off rough, but DH and I are doing great now.
Sorry, a little off topic but I guess that’s part of the reason why I’m not too worried about being in the bridal party either, besides TTC as well.
Post # 12
I’m sorry. I’m not sure if you really have a good reason to decline besides the fact that you just don’t want to. It takes time to get pregnant, so it’s not definite that you’ll be near labor at that point. If you do end up being near the end of the pregnancy or with the kid already born at that point, maybe then you can back out. But at this point, be prepared for people to be disappointed. It sounds like there could be drama regardless of which way you go.
Post # 13
Do I think you’re being selfish? Absolutely! However, my family is extremely important to me and we are very close. FI feels the exact same way and he is very close to his family as well so I would never even consider not being in my brother’s wedding. I think, if it’s important to your brother, then you need to do it. This is not about you “not being into wedding stuff” this is about supporting your brother.
Yet if you want to keep not being close to your family, then decline. Sorry but “planning to TTC” is NOT a reasonable excuse and I’d be incredibly hurt if someone close to me said that. Plans can go awry. You might not even BE pregnant at that time. So I think you need to do it. Even if you only do it for your brother.
Post # 14
This isn’t about you and your disdain for wedding ‘stuff’, it’s about supporting your brother and his marriage. You aren’t even pregnant yet so I would cross that bridge when you get there. So, yea… you’re being selfish and not a great sister.
Post # 15
MeiFrancis: Its OK. I have to learn to take tough criticism. Lol. Some people can be really harsh on here, but I am trying to tough it out. Lol. I barely participate in any family functions. I just show up for funerals and usually do something one on one with my parent’s for their bdays. And with the way they are treating my husband and talking down about him to me, that just keeps me away more. That’s why DH and I are just circus on starting our own family.