Is it rude to do this for our wedding ceremony….?

posted 2 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: Should I explain to guests that we will have the ceremony in private?
    Yes - you dont want to be nervous. You should enjoy this intimate moment. : (6 votes)
    16 %
    No - it is rude. : (17 votes)
    45 %
    No - just deal with the nerves and panic attackes, it is normal. : (10 votes)
    26 %
    Choose an alternative idea : (5 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1248 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    SapphireBride2:  do you have an anxiety disorder? If you do and your guests are aware of it I think most would be understanding. If it’s just nerves as such though inevitably many will find it rude if it’s coming out of left field. Someone I know was invited to just the reception of a wedding as the groom didn’t want many people watching the ceremony and many were offended. I’m not saying this to dissuade you but it is the reality of what you may face. My FI also hates to be the centre of attention and was very nervous about the ceremony, speech etc. On the day we were honestly in such a happy bubble that we almost didn’t even think about the fact we were being ‘watched’ and we felt such support coming from our friends and family. This may or may not be the case for you of course. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    239 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I don’t think its ‘rude’ as such, just it might seem a bit strange to your guests. What if you and your FI do a first look and walk down the aisle together? A lot of people say a first look helps calm their nerves and then you would be able to walk in with him and get confidence from that without feeling that all eyes were on just you.

    Post # 5
    Member
    373 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Hugs! My mother was recently diagnosed with anxiety disorder so I understand how something like this can send you spiraling.

    glasgowgirl:  This! I think it’s a great idea. Who better to calm your nerves than your FI 🙂

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  .
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  .
    Post # 8
    Member
    870 posts
    Busy bee

    I was very anxious about being the center of attention. It’s ok to be nervous. Try to remember that everyone there loves you and is excited for you. 

    Also, have a drink or two! Relax and focus on your husband walking down the aisle, and also you probably wont even face the crowd during your vows. You won’t even notice them. I worried and stressed for nothing, it was the most enjoyable day ever. I actually regret not putting on my big girl panties and giving a speech, that’s how much i enjoyed myself! I made it into something much bigger in my head. Youtube some wedding videos and watch how imperfect other people’s cermonies are – the tears, nerves, awkwardness. It will be fine and you will look beautiful. X

    Post # 9
    Member
    870 posts
    Busy bee

    And anxiety attacks, boy do I know those. Focus on taking deep breaths, like really deep breaths. And keep telling yourself ‘I’m ok, I’m doing really well, nothing bad is happening’. I find my breathing gets shallow or i hold my breath and I have to focus on breathing to keep myself from getting dizzy and self reassurance.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1599 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Our wedding was a little over 100 people and we had a ceremony earlier in the day with 27 people- close friends and immediate family only.  We re-did a shorter version of the ceremony and ring exchange at the “wedding” (which was basically a giant cocktail party.)  My husband and I originally wanted a courthouse ceremony, but we knew our immediate family would be hurt so we compromised on this.

     

    No one has said anything to me about it, however our wedding was a little unusual anyway so I don’t think they were surprised. I think most of our guests were happy to not have to sit through a ceremony, and we were SO glad to do it with only our closest friends. It worked out well for us.

    Post # 11
    Member
    7098 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I would suggest doing a first look so you can see your FI beforehand and get rid of some of the nerves. I’ll be honest, if I was invited to a wedding and then there really was no ceremony…I’d be kind of annoyed. That’s generally what most people want to see.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    As a guest I would be so annoyed to arrive to your wedding on time to see you and then told nope, wait bride and groom will be delayed by the ceremony they are conducting in pruvate. Can youjust do the ceremony earlier? And whe . The guests arrive start the restbof the festivities 

    Post # 13
    Member
    9533 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Unfortunately, I do think that many of your guests would find it odd, or even rude, to be disinvited from the ceremony. If you had sent the invitations for only the reception and done a separate ceremony that was private, I think that would have been fine. But to invite people to the ceremony and then disinvite them would get a bit of side-eye from some people. Especially if you don’t have a history of a anxiety disorder, people may not understand why this is happening.

    I think it would especially awkward to have most of your guests sitting at a bar twiddling their tumbs during part of the ceremony while VIPs get to watch and then be expected to come over and join the last part of the ceremony. That just seems way to complicated. I would also be worried that guests would see the small group of VIPs that get to watch the ceremony as “the people we really care about” and feel slighted and left out.

    So I would recommend either sucking it up and having everyone for the whole ceremony or having a completely private ceremony with your VIPs before any of the other guests arive, then just have the full guest list participate in the reception. You will still get some people who will wonder why they don’t get to see the ceremony, but they won’t be force to hang out while it happens or watch from a distance. <br />

    If you big concern is walking down the aisle, then can you simply arrange the entrance so it’s less nerve wracking for you? Walk down the aisle with your fiance. Or you could both enter from behind the altar, so you don’t even have to go down the aisle. Or you and your fiance nad bridal party could already be at the front of the church when people get seated, so all you have to do at the begining of the ceremony is stand up! What’s the layout for your ceremony space?

    Also, I’m not a pill pusher, but since this is such a specific fear, have you talked to your doc about a mild, temporary anti-anxiety medication? If you’re having panic attacks now, you could try it to see if it helps/if it makes you too loopy.

    If you decide that it’s just too much anxiety to have all yoru guests for your ceremony I would explain the situation to your nearest and dearest and ask them to spread the word that you will be having a private ceremony prior to the big reception, but you’re so excited to see everyone at the reception. Then you can just change your timeline to fill up the time that would have been used for a ceremony. I love cocktail hours with apps, so you could just have a long one prior to dinner and you’re back into your regular timeline.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1312 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    SapphireBride2:  I went to a wedding where the bride and groom got married in a private ceremony beforehand, then joined everyone for the reception. I think it was fine, just make sure your guests know that the ceremony is going to be limited to family, etc.

    Post # 15
    Member
    730 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I would second the previous poster’s suggestion that you do a first look, then walk down the aisle hand in hand. 

    One thing to remember is that when you’re walking down the aisle, you will likely be so focused on your fiance that you won’t really notice other people there…that’s what happened for me (although my groom was at the end of the aisle, not walking with me).  We did the whole ceremony, and only after we were married did I look around and notice all of the friends and family in attendance.  I was a very anxious bride, so I understand to some degree what you’re feeling!

    Good luck with whatever you choose!

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