Is it rude to invite guests when you know they can't come?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

If you want them there, invite them.  You never know what someone’s financial situation is or if they might want/have planned to travel to your hometown to visit.  Besides, it’s not your job to analyze everyone’s situation and determine whether or not they’re likely to come.  No need to overthink it.  

Post # 3
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

YankeeInTheSouth:  Let them say no. Don’t say no for them. You never know, they may make the trip. Even if they can’t come, they may be hurt that you didn’t even invite them, give them the opportunity to at least try to make it.

They may say no, but I think you should send them an invitation anyway.

Post # 4
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

If they explicitly told you that they couldn’t come, don’t send an invitation (it will look gift grabby as you mentioned). If you are only assuming that they can’t come, go ahead and invite them 🙂

I am in a similar situation with one of my guests, except in my case, I did not send an invitation because the guest said (after receiving a STD) that he would be OOT on vacation on the day of the wedding. 

Post # 5
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Invite them so that they know you want them there. Even if you know they can’t be there….whether they’re expecting a baby, or someone is sick, whatever the case may be. At least you invited them.  I’ve always wanted my best friend of 20+ yrs to be my Matron of Honor, but she just had a baby + she has an Autistic son that can’t be away from her for more than a few hours (we are having a destination wedding at a music festival—adults only).  We tried every different way to come up with an idea to get her across country for only 24 hours, but it’s just not “do-able”.  She’s already told me it meant a lot to her to be invited & included in the wedding planning.  

Post # 6
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Xu:  agreed.

OP, if I was really close with someone I’d be hurt not to get an invite, regardless of whether I could come or not.

Post # 7
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

FI and I both have a lot of family abroad that we know almost definitely can’t make it to the wedding. We sent them invites so that they can feel included and have the invite as a memento even if they can’t be at the wedding. We’re note expecting any of them to send gifts, but they seemed to enjoy getting the invite.

Post # 8
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Send them an invite. It is the thought that counts and they are really going to appreciate it. If they come, fantastic! But if they don’t, at least they know you thought about them.

I’m sending invites to a couple of my girlfriends in Spain and my best friend in Italy. I know they can’t come for obvious reasons… but I know they are really going to enjoy opening the mailbox and seeing the invitation. If they do come I’ll be even more excited! 

 

Post # 10
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

YankeeInTheSouth:  “We genuinely want them at our wedding, but is it rude to send an invitation knowing they probably can’t come?”<br /><br />In this case, you should send the invite.  That way they are included and can make the decision for themselves.

In my case, I only didn’t send an invite when someone actually told me after the STD stage that they couldn’t make it.  In that case I considered it their RSVP and thought that sending the invite anyway might look gift grabby.

Post # 11
Member
10490 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

Invite them!  I knew someone who couldn’t come due to medical reasons, and she would have been absolutely devastated if I didn’t invite her.

Post # 12
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It deppends, if you’re grabbing for gifts than yeah.  Otherwise let them decide if they can come (I had some friends that I was almost sure wouldn’t be able to make it, they’re coming!).  We also invited my FIs grandmother (the only living grandparent either of us has), true she’s out of state in a nursing home and hasn’t left in over a decade, but we really wanted to share the experience with her in any case.  So I’d say it really depends on the intention behind the invite.

Post # 13
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think it’s polite to just extend the invitation. A couple of my friends back home invited me to their weddings knowing that I wouldn’t be able to attend. I loved that they still sent me an invite. I always save wedding invites 🙂

Post # 14
Member
89 posts
Worker bee

Thanks for this thread. My fiancé is English and we’re getting married in New Zealand. We sent STD cards with 11 months notice and some of his family have already told us that they can’t make it. I think we might just send them invites with a handwritten note saying that we understand that they can’t come, but want them to know that they’re important to us all the same. 

Post # 15
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Xu:  Couldn’t have said it better! (:

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