Is it rude to invite people in a second round?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
msangelfishMember
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: Patuxent Greens Golf Club

I don’t think it’s rude. Most people understand that people can’t invite everyone to the wedding. So if they get an invite and they are really there to care about your special day, they won’t care what order they received it. At least that’s the way it should be. 

Post # 3
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Since you’re asking as an etiquette question, etiquette says it’s rude. While some people may not care, others will. People can understand not being invited to a small, intimate affair, but if it is not so small or inexpensive, it sends the message that your venue and all the extras were worth more to you than the people. You’re supposed to include the people who belong on the list and then set the budget. 

IMO you are better off sticking with the list of people you thought most important to you in the first place. Another issue is that it can come across as a gift grab. 

Post # 4
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I call it “rolling invites” We totally did it, to the point that my dad wanted to invite people two days before the wedding (I finally put my foot down on that).

No one was offended or thought it was rude, and our second round invitees were so honored to be included and absolutely thrilled to attend.  I say go for it.

Post # 5
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

I have not been offended yet. However,  there is room for some to be hurt. For example,  if my closest friend put me on the second round vs. a close colleague putting me on her 2nd, third,  or even forth round. As long as I don’t get the impression that I am a space-filler, I will probably be okay (except in close friend scenario).

Post # 6
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee

Just don’t use the same RSVP cards. Put in a note to RSVP by e-mail or text, instead.

I think 2nd tier is fine, with defined groups. I.e. your initial list consists of family and close friends, but not co-workers, and then the next tier you are able to add all your co-workers.

Post # 7
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

NowraJanBride:  This happened to me as a guest. I found it rude, and particularly offensive as I was sent the original invitation with the old rsvp date crossed out and only a 2 weeks to respond. I declined. If I wasn’t good enough to invite initially, then I’d prefer not to be invited at all. Especially just to bring up your numbers.

Post # 8
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

NowraJanBride:  I think if you’re honest with them, most people aren’t etiquette sticklers and won’t mind if you say “Hey, we could only invite so many people, but we actually have some unexpected openings, we would love it if you could come”. I think contacting them directing is the best way though, don’t use your old invites. I was invited to a wedding with my family last year and FI was not, but two weeks before the bride contacted me saying space was available and to bring FI along. Its honest and, to me, that is respectable.

Post # 9
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Most of the time I think people won’t even know that they were second round if you start sending invites soon enough before the RSVP deadline. (Unless everyone on your guest list knows each other). Most of my guests received invites 8 weeks prior to the wedding, some (second tier) received invites 6 weeks prior and a couple people received an invite one month prior. (Perhaps that was pushing it, but with both of those people – casual friends- I followed up in person). 

Post # 10
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

NowraJanBride:  I just went through this and could have written this post myself. I had originally invited 132, and only 74 RSVPd yes. We had a minimum to meet to avoid massive room fees.

So, we decide to invite a few other coworkers and parents of close friends that we originally did not have room for. So far, everyone has taken it well and been super thankful and excited they were thought of!

I know with my coworker, I said “So, I know it is kind of last minute, but if you are available on (insert wedding day) I would love for you to come. We originally had some really tight restrictions at our venue and were unable to invite a lot of people, but we were able to work it out with them and have a little bit more room to invite some extra people. I know we have gotten to be great friends over the past few months, so if you can make it, that would be great! If not, I totally understand.”

She was so excited and basically RSVPd yes right there. I told her I could send her an invite so she had one, and she said ok. The end.

Post # 11
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Saw this thread on another wedding board site. If you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling, call/email and ask if they received your invite since you didn’t hear from them (knowing full well that you didn’t hear from them because you didn’t send them an invite).

When they say, “no, we never got an invite,” then you say…what?! It must have gotten lost in the mail! I’m going to send you one today. Give them the details over the phone/email and you can get an idea if they can come or not.

I’m sure some people won’t like this. You can’t please everyone, and this seems like the path of least resistance…and the least amount of hurt for those that made the B list (unknowingly).

You’ve got to do what’s best for you. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Miss Angelfish:  Agreed, some bees will argue the opposite but I co-sign this 100%

Do what’s best for you!

Post # 13
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

NowraJanBride:  Depending on WHO was inviting us second round– I don’t know that I would attend.

The way I see it- if I was not important enough to make your first cut, why should I bother?  

I know some people don’t think it’s rude….but for us- there’s no way we’d show up to a wedding without a gift- whether it’s boxed or monetary….and we’d need to find and pay a babysitter, etc….so while we like celebrating happy events- it’s a little bit of work for us, and it costs us money.

So if I knew I was part of the back-up plan….I’d likely decline.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  .
Post # 15
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

Count me in the “this is rude” camp.  I would decline a “the people we really cared about can’t come, won’t you attend as filler so we don’t get penalized for not meeting minimums?” invite immediately on principle.

Then again, I am a firm believer in the “you set your guest list and then you see what hospitality you are able to provide” philosophy of creating a guest list…

PS.  The number of people who are just waiting on pins and needles and equate wedding invitations to a Hogwarts acceptance letter is much lower than brides think.  Really, people will live if they don’t get invited to your wedding. 

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