(Closed) Is it rude to not register?

posted 10 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

i don’t think it’s rude but be prepared to get gifts that you may or may not want.  typically, when my friends don’t register, i just write them a check as their wedding gift (but I’m also asian, so I know this is a cultural thing). 

i think no matter how hard you stress "no gifts", some ppl are going to want to get you something and the problem with not registering is that you’ll get things you probably don’t want/need.

Post # 4
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - Bride's family summer home in the Adirondacks

Honestly…I do kind of think it’s rude.  I agree 100% with all your reasoning and I can tell you’re trying to do the right thing and all that, but at the same time, if I were your friend or family, I would WANT to give you a gift.  So even though I would appreciate the sentiment, I would feel like it was so much more of a hassle for me in the end to have to try to come up with something I would think you might like, because whether you register or not, I am NOT going to a wedding without giving the bride and groom something!!  So in the end, I would either feel bad giving you something you might not like, or feel like I should just give you money and then feel grumpy that I wasn’t able to give you something with more "meaning" (yes, I’m one of those people). 

On the flip side, I too felt like it was really rude to tell our guests what we wanted (aka register) but we just put a whole long paragraph on our wedding website page that had registry information about how we are considering your coming to the wedding a gift, so please please please don’t feel obligated!!!  One or two people took us up on that (or didn’t get gifts for some other reason 😉 ) but it just made me feel a little less guilty about the whole registering thing.  But as a GUEST, I am going to want to buy you a gift, so I would far far far prefer that you give me a list of options of things you would actually appreciate.  Honeymoon registries and charity gifts are both included in things that I would be happy to give if that’s what the couple really wanted.

Post # 5
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the other posters in that you might get gifts that you don’t need, but I don’t think it’s rude to not register.  I think including some thought in choosing the gift isn’t unreasonable to ask.  And as Amy mentioned, some might just give you money, without you having to mention or ask for it.

 If you want to mention something, I think listing a charity or two is a good idea.  Say something like, we don’t need gifts or money because your presence is enough, but if you want, feel free to give something to X charity.  So there’s no obligation or hard feelings involved if people don’t want to do that.

Post # 6
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Not at all, I don’t think it is rude- I would just give you money if you did not have a registry and that is the best gift in the end anyway. We might not register mosly because we don’t need anything- we have a fully furnished apt and no room for anything else. We want to save up for a house and I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

I also disagree with bluebell- the bride and groom do not have to concern themselves with how hard it may be for a guest to come up with a gift- it is up to the guest to come empty handed or with a gift whatever their choice may be.

 

Post # 7
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I wouldn’t think it’s rude but you are basically asking for some really random and weird gifts cause people WILL give something and they will think you want cash.  Some people consider giving cash rude and will give you what they want to give you.  Hopefully you’ll either like the gifts people decide to give you or hopefully they’ll think to include the receipt so you can return them but you might be stuck with them. If I was you I’d be safe…register somewhere where you can return stuff for cash (like bed bath and beyond)…it makes the guests who don’t want to give money happy and you can still get cash which is more useful for you (and it pleases your mom) Also when I was younger I would always buy off the registery cause I’d much rather give a picture frame or something like that then the measly $25 I could afford at the time.

Post # 8
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I don’t think its rude either. If you clearly state you do not want gifts, and someone still wants to get you one, then that is their choice.  Personally I think it is weird to state you don’t want gifts and then go and register.  That would feel pretty disingenuous to me if I were a guest.

I had a friend who got married in another country and they said as nicely and firmly as possible that they didn’t want gifts – but for those who felt a need to do something, they gave a few charity options they supported.  You aren’t forcing anyone to support something they don’t believe in since they don’t have to do anything – you are merely letting them know of something that would be meaningful to you, which they will likely appreicate. 

Post # 9
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

There is only one way out of it, and that is to set up a donation to your favorite charity.  People will still grumble a little, but much less if you forgo the registry completely.  People will be forced to see that you chose not to have a registry, not to make people give cash, but because you truly don’t need anything.  People who have everything thing they need and want, give to charity.

Post # 10
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I think its pretty silly to debate about not writing anything about gifts on an invitation- what is wrong with that???

You don’t have a reigistry, you don’t have a charity, you don’t say no gifts you just don’t write anything. I’m confused by all these posts.  

Post # 11
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

There’s nothing wrong with not writing anything.  Just that people will ask… lots of people.  So writing something hopefully heads some of these questions off, that’s all  =) 

 I think the OP’s question would apply to what to say to people if they did ask, since the idea is that if you say, no presents, thanks, people might want to get you something anyway.

And hopefully none of this is going to be written on the invitation itself (which is often considered rude), but on a website or some such.

Post # 12
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

thanks peihan17 for the clarification

Post # 13
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

We started out thinking that we definately wouldn’t register.  We are also pretty well established, and so don’t really *need* a lot of household things.  But honestly, we got tired of explaining this over and over – and our mom’s got really tired.  Our friends and family were completely unwilling to accept that we might not really want or need anything.  There were endless phone calls quizzing me on our kitchen equipment inventory, and the age of each appliance, and whether I had a bundt pan, that new bakeware with the built-in silicon handles,  a smoothie maker (?!!?).  Relatives kept saying that surely we needed this or that for the yard or the house (edgehog, lawnmower, chain saw – I’m not kidding here). 

The longer we thought about it, the more we realized that a lot of our kitchen/bath/bed stuff is kind of old or not that nice, and it would be good to replace some of it, and also to pick out some nice things together.  And we do have a big wish list of remodeling projects.  And our mom’s were begging us to make the phone calls stop.  So we gave in, and are registered at BB&B, Macy’s, and Lowe’s.  And we are actually really happy with our wish lists, and looking forward to new towel racks and lighting and a waffle iron and some Nambe flatware, and everybody has stopped nagging us.

The thing is, our friends/family are just not that comfortable writing a check – I know that we will get money from immediate family, but that’s about the extent of it.  Even my mom would rather buy us an actual gift, and then slip the check in with the card.  Lowe’s is a nice compromise, because it raises the idea of work on the house, and people can get us a gift card "towards your new kitchen – or new windows" or something, which feels better to them than just giving cash.

So – I think it totally depends on your guests.  Maybe they are happy just writing checks or stuffing envelopes with cash.  Maybe, like ours, they aren’t.  You kind of have to judge the situation.

Post # 14
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

We were in a similar situation and my FI simply didn’t understand why we needed to register. But after receiving lots of champagne glasses, he finally got it. Some people will want to give cash, and others will definitely want to give a gift, and it is simply easier to give a gift that you know the bride and groom want. We have been living together for over 2 years, and in my annoyance of not being engaged, I had bought us some nicer kitchen stuff. That being said, we ended up registering at bloomies for a nice set of china and silverware, some nice serving sets, and fancy pots and pans. Things that we would never buy for ourselves. So, we are giving the option. But no, i don’t think it is rude not to register, but expect to get some random gifts.

Post # 15
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

While it is not rude to forgo the registry, you will end up with some random stuff that may be more of a hassle than it is worth.  On our wedding site, we’re having a registry link, but are writing up an intro stressing that having everyone at our wedding is gift enough (seriously).  However, we know some people reall, really, really want to get us something, so we’re registering for items we want that we might not otherwise get for ourselves and are skewing the price of the items towards the lower end, providing plenty of options at a lower price point.

As many have mentioned, we’ve got most of the kitchen stuff we need, but a nice set of glasses that matches isn’t going to hurt anyone. 🙂

Whatever you decide – good luck!

Post # 16
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

We do things differently here.  I registered for my bridal shower, but not my wedding.  Very few if any gifts will be brought to the wedding, mostly cash.  It’s not that I’m asking for cash or gifts, it’s just how it’s done.

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