Post # 1
I have a bridesmaid who I am concerned about in terms of the cost of, well, being a bridesmaid. She typically works two part-time jobs at once, though currently has just one part-time job. She lives all the way across the country from our wedding events. I’m doing mixed-style bridesmaid dresses, so it gives some flexibility in the cost of the dress, but she hasn’t really chipped in to the whole dress discussion at this point.
She has not come out and said anything about having trouble financially. I would like to help her out if I can – the important thing to me is that she is a part of my wedding and other wedding events. I could budget in to help her with her dress, travel, etc… but I don’t want to butt in to her personal affairs. I don’t want to offend her, you know?
Post # 3
I am in a similar situation as you – my one BM is out of town and works 3 jobs and is a single mom. I know she won’t accept my monetary help if offered. I think I am going to get her an airline gift card for her upcoming birthday that will help offset the travel costs. Although, she is more than welcome to take herself on a nice vacation with it, too! 😉 I think this is the most subtle way I can help without her feeling weird.
Post # 4
Is she the only bridesmaid who’s traveling to attend your wedding? If so, you could use that as your excuse. Just tell her that you know it’s going to be expensive for her and that you’d like to help relieve some of that burden. If she’s truly struggling to afford your wedding, she’ll probably graciously take you up on your offer.
As for whether or not it’s rude, no, I don’t think so as long as you keep it between yourselves. If you let everyone else know that you’re helping her out, that would be rude.
Post # 5
I would just ask her. Just say I know you live far and the cost of things may add up. I know you’re working only one part time job right now and I dont want my wedding to be a burden on you financially, but you being a part of my wedding is VERY VERY important to me so I just wanted to say that if things become too expensive I may be able to use some of my budget to help you with some of the costs. Or something along those lines.
Post # 6
@MrsWBS: That’s a good idea.
Post # 7
She sounds like a really great friend and person – hard-working, non-complaining. If you can, I would definitely suggest offering to help. It could be something like:
“I know you haven’t mentioned any difficulty with things so far for my wedding, but I know that your job situation hasn’t panned out recently like you wanted it to. I really want to make sure you’re there and not over stretching yourself financially – so if you need help paying for things, like [fill in the blank: shoes, hair, dress, etc], just let me know – and I love you so much that I’d be happy to help. You can always think about it and let me know later.”
Post # 8
When I got married, it was out of state, so all my bridesmaids had to travel to participate. None of them had much money and right before I announced the plan, we had all just booked a trip to California. I just told them upfront I was paying for their tickets. They were all like, oh you don’t have to do that, but they all took me up on my offer.
When one of my bridesmaids was in a destination wedding, the bride told her bridesmaids she was picking up the tab for the dresses.
I suppose it’s a little more awkward when it’s just one person as opposed to the whole group, but I still think she’d appreciate the offer. Just tell her you don’t want money to be an issue for anyone and if it is, you are glad to help. She doesn’t even have to know you are singling her out- you could be telling that to everyone.
Post # 9
The first time I was a bridesmaid, I was in this situation and the bride graciouslly offered to buy my bridesmaid for me as a gift. She said if I can pay her back for it (that way I didn’t feel like it was a pitty gift) great, but she wasn’t expecting me to. I know I have a hard time accepting monetary help from others (even when I need it)
Or just tell her that you are paying for her hotel/flight/etc as a thank you and maybe that is her bridesmaid gift?
Above all, let her know how grateful & thankful and how happy it makes you that she is a part of your day 🙂 Maybe one day she will return the favor.
Post # 10
I would go with telling her that you since you are asking her to flight out to attend all these events that you would like to cover all or some of the flight costs, just say you would feel horrible otherwise. Make it about you not feeling right about expecting onyl this one girl to pay so many extra expenses beyond what all the other girls have to deal with, as long as it comes across as making you feel better and not her then she may not be offended.
ETA: another option is to tell her you would like to pay for some or all of her flight expenses as her BMs gift for sharing in your day.
Post # 11
DH and I decided to give two of our BM’s $$ for wedding/travel costs. We gave it to them as a gift at X-mas, but told them that we knew that ot was expensive to get to our wedding, etc., etc. Giving it as a gift I think was a bit “better(?)”/less like charity – and both of them really appreciated it.
OP – since you are not getting married till next March, you could do the x-mas gift thing too.
Post # 12
One of my BM was asked to be in a friends wedding in Texas last New Years. The flight was $700, hotel was $300 (for 2 nights, luckily a friend has a hook up at that hotel) and dress was $200. At the time, she was still in nursing school. She couldn’t afford $1200 for a friends wedding for only two nights. She appraoched the bride with financial concerns & she said sorry, I dont have any money either, so I can’t help. My BM ended up telling the bride sorry – she couldn’t be in the wedding. The bride really didn’t seem to care, anyways. Long story short, I told this girl when I asked her to be my BM to never hesitate to come to me with financial issues with my wedding. I want her to be in my wedding enough that I will assist her in any way that I can. I think she really appreciated the offer, although she tells me her finances are fine now that she’s done with nursing school. I still plan on helping wtih the cost of their dresses. Your BM may appreciate the offer even if she doesn’t take you up on it.
Post # 13
I have a bridesmaid who I have offered to help more than the others. She is a student, and at the time I offered she hadn’t been able to secure a decent summer job yet. I am paying for all my bridesmaids dresses, but since it’s a DW I just told her that I was concerned that attending my wedding would cause her financial hardship and FI and I wanted to contribute to the cost of her trip. She has turned me down, but we left the door open for her to approach me if it did seem too much later, but to give us as much notice aspossible so we can factor it into our budget.
Post # 14
I don’t think it’s rude, depending how you frame the conversation. I would focus on how you know the costs of being a bridesmaid are getting up there, instead of bringing up her financial situation. If she’s struggling with her budget, she knows it and probably doesn’t need reminding.
Say something like “I know the costs of being in my wedding is adding up, especially since you have to travel so far. You’re important to me and I really want you to be involved in the wedding events, but I don’t want to burden anyone. Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you have any concerns or if there is anything I can do to help.” That opens the conversation in a very low pressure way, offering your help without making her feel like a charity case. Keeping the initial offer a bit vague lets her steer the conversation in a direction she comfortable with. Depending on how she responds you may end up offering your monetary help, or something like helping her find cheaper lodging alternatives. The key is to keep things open and feel out what offer she’ll be comfortable with.
Post # 15
Absolutely not rude at all! If you’re king someone to wear something of your style or colour choice it’s only fair that you pay for it I think.
Post # 16
I was a bridesmaid in a friends wedding this summer in my hometown. She was a very easy going bride and so the expenses were quite minimal. I could stay with my parents, and we were only required to wear a black dress which I already had. She wanted all the girls to get their hair and makeup done. I was not going to make a fuss over it, particularly because she was such an easy going bride. She ended up offering to pay for it. I declined, and she offerred again and said that her mom was actually going to be paying for it. I was the only bridesmaid without a job, and it would have been a financial harship for me.
Somehow, her stating that her parents were paying for it made me feel a lot better. The difference was that, in my mind, they were an established married couple who could afford luxery items whereas I felt that my friend was more in my position. She also phrased it to me like it would be a gift, and did not specifically mention that she was not doing this for everyone. I accepted and I really appreciated her gesture in the end. I remember the cost of hair and makeup that day being double what I had in my bank account at the time. Her delicacy in handling the matter and her generosity really made me appreciate her more as a friend.
Hopefully in a couple of years when I get married (and have a decent paying job), I will be able to pass the favor on.