- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
My boyfriend and I are approaching our 4 year anniversary this December. I am 26 and he is 31 , we have lived together for 3 years. Our relationship was kind of a whirlwind romance, we still to this day cant get enough of each other. We have an amazing connection to one another because of our similar childhoods (both from broken homes, both suffered from abuse from stepparents etc.), my family absolutely adores him (just as I do) and I am already considered part of his family. We are best friends. We talked about marriage, kids, the future from very early on in our relationship. At first he said that those were things that he wanted, planned on-so it was never something I questioned.
On our 2-year anniversary, he revealed to me (at dinner) that he didn’t want kids/marriage and didn’t know if he ever would. I started crying at the table. He of course apologized, but the damage was done. My trust in the future of our relationship was completely broken. We had numerous conversations and I pretty much told him that I cant be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same things that I do. He ended up telling me that he is just afraid of taking those steps because pretty much everyone he knows who has gotten married and had kids is miserable. He doesn’t even want to take the chance that a child of his would have to suffer like he did or I did. We were able to understand each other much better after numerous conversations, and based on everything he said I thought we were moving towards those things.
a couple months before our 3 year anniversary he went to a friends wedding without me (I couldn’t go) and came back saying all of these things I had never heard him say before. We basically talked for hours about what we would want for our wedding, he was so affectionate and said that the way he see’s it “we are a year-or two out from getting married”. After this, I started to get excited-I actually thought he was planning a proposal. When the proposal didn’t come, I brought the topic up with him. He looked at me like I was crazy and denied ever saying what he had said before. Needless to say our anniversary was botched just like the last one. We had many talks and ended up going to therapy. Therapy brought out all our differences and I heard more of the truth than I evernwanted to know, it was heartbreaking. I got to a point where I believed it would never work out between us. I decided that I had to leave him. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I left.
we were apart for about a week when we ran into each other at the bar where we first met (I was there for a friends b-day). I didn’t talk to him and stayed strong. The next day he wouldn’t stop calling me, I finally answered and the person I heard talking on the other line wasn’t the man I knew. He was more mature and honest about himself. He admitted how afraid and childish he was, how stupid he was to let me go, he said that all he ever wants to do is spend his life with me and make me the happiest woman in the world. We started dating again, I made a list of requirements for us to get back together (marriage and kids were on that list) and he was all for it. He went to all of my family members and personally apologized to them. He made my mom cry (she was devastated when we broke up). He talked openly about us getting engaged, and as the months have past our relationship has become even more wonderful that I ever imagined. Everyone in my life can see it.
He has brought up (on his own) what kind of ring I would want, and somehow knew all of my preferences without me even having to spell it out for him. We have talked numerous times about what kind of wedding we want and he has loudly stated at my parents house that he is researching what to buy…As our 4 year anniversary approaches I feel a mix of emotions. Most are good, but some unexpected sadness, fear, and pain grips me. I find that I cant seem to get my mind off of the idea of us getting engaged. I’ve realized that I simply don’t believe it will happen even though all his actions are saying it will soon. Maybe I don’t want to believe it because I am so damn scared of being hurt again. I keep looking for clues around the house that he really is following through-but cant seem to find a trace of anything. He doesn’t seem to be saving either (spending money left and right on his hobbies), although money is not the issue at all. He could go to a jewelry store today and buy me the ring of my dreams and easily afford it if he wanted to.
I feel as though I can’t get excited and just enjoy this period in our relationship because I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know that he wouldn’t lie to me and say he was going to marry me and have kids with me if he didn’t intend to, but there is a part of me that isn’t sure that he wants these things-and thats another requirement for me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone, who doesn’t really want to marry me or have children with me.
Even though these thoughts can be torcherous for me at times, I have been doing an amazing job of not pressuring him or bringing the topic up at all. Somewhere inside me there is hope, and I know I don’t want to ruin this experience for us by pressuring him. Should I continue to keep my fears to mself and wait until after our anniversary to bring anything up? or should I talk to him?