(Closed) Is it still "just a phase"

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Sit down and talk with him. Make it a serious conversation rather then just off hand comments. If it really worries you then he should know that.

Post # 4
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

Addictions aren’t really something you can decide someone else has and then get them through. First they have to realize they have a problem and only then can they start to change their life. Once they get to that phase you can help but before that phase you’re not going to come off well in their eyes at all.

I’m not saying that you have to, or should, condone addictive behavior. If it really is a serious problem, you always have the option to walk away and you should definitely use it! I understand when you’re talking about potential marriage partners that’s not something anyone in love wants to do, ever, but it’s the sane rational way to protect yourself from a very bad potential downwards spiral.

If on the other hand he really is just a 24yr old guy, hanging out with his friends and drinking a little too much with them on occasion – then you can learn to let it go. So long as he’s with people you can trust (not to let him drive, hook up with random sketchy women, etc) and not imbibing alone on a regular basis, it’s not really at a point worth worrying about imho. Though if he regularly drinks to the point of blackout (even with friends) or vomiting, that’s not so normal.

As for experience, yeah I’ve dated alcoholics. Yeah I’ve dated guys that drunk themselves to blackout or vomiting. Yes, I dumped all of them with a quickness and without much regret.

Post # 5
Member
2872 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well, I think the key thing I noticed in your post was that its “on and off”.  Someone who is an alcoholic typically is drinking frequently as well as excessively.  However, if you truly believe it is an issue with him, you should sit down with him and have a serious conversation, not just make comments, as a PP mentioned. 

There’s a book I have (from my Master’s in Social Work program class in Substance Abuse) which talks about ten profiles of alcohol use, as compared with our traditional definitions of someone who doesn’t drink, drinks normally, or is an alcoholic.  I’ll see if I can find it online… if not, if that’s something that interests you to learn about (as it’s basically talking about the shades of grey with alcoholism) then let me know and I can try to scan my book or something for you.

*hugs*

Post # 6
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@mrscross1020:  

I don’t like the age or “phase” excuse because my FH is 21 and has NEVER behaved like that, and has no desire to. There are 15 year olds who behave like you describe, and 30 year olds. It’s a personality thing, and you will have to be realistic about whether it will continue. Making excuses for it is a huge mistake. 

My dad drank a ton in high school in college and then stopped completely when he met my mother. Like, the day he met her. He just started drinking again about 2 years ago and basically hasn’t stopped. He has an addictive personality and can’t control himself. Everyone wrote his college years off as a phase, but they weren’t. Not everyone binge drinks in college. 

If binge drinking is okay now, it will stay okay. If he can’t see that it is a destructive behavior at 24, I doubt he will ever see it. If he does see it and doesn’t have the maturity to resist, that’s another problem. And the biggest problem here is that he refuses to stop even though it sincerely bothers you. I personally could not and would not tolerate it. 

Post # 7
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

You didn’t go into much detail, but it does sound like typical behaviour. Drinking to excess, even up to a couple of times a week can be typical at that age. If he has to drink every night or every other night, over maybe 4 drinks, then he has a problem. Going out with his mates, even every week and getting drunk is not a problem, although you might not want to be in a relationship with someone who does.

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