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Ok Bees...this is a problem I have been grappling with since I got in engaged in July....my wedding is April 29th (yikes!) and my fiance and I are older (I am 38, he is 42) and we own a home together.
So, needless to say we do not want or need to register for gifts. BUT...what we would like is cash for the honeymoon (Europe) How do we convey that to guests without being tacky?
or is it impossible?
SM
Two ways:
a) Don't register for anything, and spread the word to your parents, his parents etc that you want cash...when people see you odn;t have a registry they will ask your or his parents, who can convey the message for you
b) I believe you can actually register for a "honeymoon fund" with some travel agencies, and people can deposit money directly into it.
Good luck! :)
@sara_tiara: Exactly what she said!
@smartwoman: Do you have any older guests who may want to still give you a gift? You could register for just a few little things at someplace like BB&B who will give you cash for returns.
@sara_tiara: Yep, exacly what I would say.
I would add that you should be careful about actually writing "we want cash" anywhere. That definitely might come off as tacky. Word of mouth is best, in my opinion.
As @sara_tiara: said, those are really the ONLY ways in which this could be done. It is never acceptable to mention gifts -- including the absence of them -- in an invitation.
One additional comment. There are people who will not want to give you cash for any number of reasons. If you do not register for something that you like that you may be able to use now or in the future (china, crystal, household appliances, etc.), you may receive a lot of gifts that you do not like or cannot use.
My fiance and I plan on registering for a honeymoon through the Travelers Joy website. I researched A LOT, and that is the best one according to many people/sources.
If you go that route, you are basically registering for cash, but your guests still feel like they are gifting you with something specific. For instance, you can register for a night in a fancy hotel, a bottle of expensive wine, supplies for a picnic, etc. You don't have to book anything through the website (not Travelers Joy, at least), so the money just goes into your account - but then of course the plan would be to use the money from each guest towards the activity/thing they gifted you with. My fiance & I have talked about including pictures of each gift with our thank you cards, which I think guests would really like! 
(Like sending a picture of us drinking our nice bottle of wine to the person who chose that on the registry.)
The one negative I have found about Travelers Joy is that they take 7% of the money given to you. That is actually the lowest amount I've found, which is another reason we chose that site. That sucks, but I think it's sort of the only polite way to request cash towards something specific...
There are a number of websites that exist now where you can set up a "honeymoon registry", where guests can give a monetary gift toward your honeymoon - many even let you create "activities" that guests can purchase (such as a couple's massage or a tourist event). I think Honey Fund is the one I've heard the most positive things about.
Also, it's definitely a good idea if you have older/more traditional guests coming to make a small registry at a store somewhere. Certainly, you can think of a few items that you need or want to replace.
FI and I plan on doing a honeymoon registry with Disney (they have a website just for that) and having a smaller regular registry with either Target or Bed, Bath and Beyond for anyone who doesn't like the idea. Then again, the overwhelming majority of our guests will be in their 20's and more likely to be accepting of a honymoon registry.
I say definitely do a small registry somewhere for the person that wants to give you a tangible gift. We are older too and had most of what we needed before we got married. However,I was sooo glad we did a small registry because we did end up with a few gifts that we did not need but they were not purchased from our registry so we didn't know where to return them!! So you definitely don't want that problem- having a bunch of gifts with no gift receipt and you have no idea where to return them. I think if you have a small registry, you will get plenty of money without needing a honeymoon registry and without spreading the word (we didn't spread the word at all that we preferred money). We had a smallish wedding (68 total guests) and ended up with a little over $2000 in cash/checks which was great bc there were no honeymoon registry fees associated!!
I generally give cash at weddings anyway, especially when people already live together. However, I've seen some people do the "Honeyfund" or that sort of thing, and I think that in and of itself is a little tacky. I personally consider how much I want to give knowing that it's paying for a vacation rather than starting a new life together. I'd rather give more under the guise of it being used for your future life rather than paying for a vacation. I know this is old-fashioned of me, but I would never do the 'honeyfund" type thing.
I think word of mouth is your best bet, but you should still have a small registry somewhere for those people who don't want to just give money.
@sara_tiara: I agree with this. I live with my fiance and we have everything we need for the house already, so we will be doing a honeymoon registry. I believe in giving practical gifts, so for me this is great!
I am using Honeyfund and it is great because there are no fees and the money goes directly to you in person/via mail rather than through a third party wedbsite...
@teresa1083w: Ooh, really?? I thought that there were some hidden fees with that site... If that's true, we'll be switching our honeymoon registry to Honeyfund!
You should feel free not to do a registry, but you should not explicitly ask for money. If someone asks what they can get you, you can say something like, "We already have everything we need, so I'm sure whatever you would like to get us would be lovely." Hopefully this will leave people so flummoxed they'll just write a check.
All formal etiquette books (Miss Manners!) reject the idea of a honeymoon registry (though of course you can choose to reject their rejection!)
@All In: I'm so glad to see someone else mention Miss Manners! I grew up reading her column and have her Guide to Etiquette for the 21st Century!
We are in the same boat, older and don't need anything. We didn't register and mostly got cash and some gift cards.
I had a friend who just didn't register for anything and got mostly cash. You will still have some people buy you an actual present though, so you may want to set up a small registry at a department store for some misc. items. Maybe a store you shop at all teh time, so you can eventually exchange the gifts for useful things if needed.
I didn't do a honeyfund and I don't have anything against them, but I feel like people tend to get a little offended by these.
I always assume when a couple has a tiny registry that they want cash, so that's what I get them.
Not everyone is as thoughtful, so what @sara_tiara: said totally works.
FYI I personally hate honeymoon registries and would much rather hear from a bridesmaid/parent that they want money than the honeymoon registry. Weird & irrational? Yes, but I'm probably not alone.
Actually many weddings I have been to the couples have requested money to help pay for a honey moon rather than gifts. You will be surprised how much easier this is for the guests to give money rather than go out and register/buy a gift :)
@Ms Bookworm: The only fee with Honeyfund is the paypal fees (3%) if someone uses a credit card to pay. If you want to upgrade your registry that's an additional fee as well but not necessary.
@All In: I believe etiquette varies in this situation (like Emily Post) and does not go against honeymoon registries becuase they are the same as a regular registry. So it's either all registries are tacky or all are fine type of thing.
I would probably do a small registry so you don't get completely random items at events like showers and just spread it by word of mouth. Not everyone thinks favorably of honeymoon registries and some of them take fees from the money they collect anyways.
@Lexy: Why, though? It seems that a few bees have said they are "just old fashioned" and "weird & irrational" regarding honeymoon registries - but I feel like it's not fair to have such a strong opinion about something without an explanation. As someone who plans on doing a honeymoon registry, it would be helpful for me to know why people hate them?
As a guest at weddings, I always want to give the couple something they will really enjoy. It is up to them if that is something tangible or if it is an experience (like contributing to a honeymoon). I would much rather my hard-earned money go towards something the couple actually wants than something they feel obligated to register for just so they don't offend a few people by requesting contributions to a honeymoon...
@Ms Bookworm: Traditionally the groom pays for the honeymoon, and the registry is for items that you need to start your new life together. Obviously you can do whatever you want, but the etiquette just implies that not everyone is okay with them. Why not just take the money you get from your wedding and spend it on your honeymoon without explicitly asking for it.
My fiance wanted to register for some expensive items. I discouraged him from doing so and told him that we would use our wedding money to purchase it instead. Whether you like it or not, people definitely judge the items you put on your registry. My fiance's coworkers made a comment about my registering for All Clad cookware and a down comforter and I know I definitely raised an eyebrow at my friend's $250/person place settings. It's just easier to leave those items off the registry and purchase them after the fact.
I am using DepositAGift.com for my wedding registry. It is a cash registry that I love! We are doing the new house one and it is cool because you can "buy" actual things for the couple's new house (ie. a front door, toilet, door knocker). In the end, the couple just gets cash towards their home purchase, but it has the feel of a real registry.
@louisianablue: Thank you for your feedback. That makes sense.
By the time we get married, we will have lived together for over four years. I am an avid cook, so we already own pretty much everything we need for the kitchen (things a lot of people typically register for, like pots & pans, dishes, food processor, Kitchenaid mixer, etc.). We do plan on registering for a few things like sheets, a vacuum, and nice towels - but we really don't need much. We LOVE to travel and haven't been able to afford it for the last couple years, so a honeymoon is what we really "need."
Using the cash on a honeymoon is not a bad idea. I suppose I just thought that guests would have fun choosing activities from a honeymoon registry to gift us with rather than give us cash. Personally, I don't like giving cash at weddings because it is more fun for me to know that I gave the couple a beautiful vase, fun kitchen gadgets, or a scuba diving excursion. It feels so much more personal to know what you're giving.
Things to think about.
@Ms Bookworm: Obviously not answering for Lexy, but this is my take.. I see the "HoneyFund" as a way for people to blatantly ask for money for a vacation. I had a friend who designed her for people to pick events for her to do, and she flat out said she didn't care what they were for, because she'd use the money for what she wanted anyway (i.e., if someone paid for a couples massage, it may have been used for alcohol, etc.) Obviously this is an extreme scenario, but it definitely lessened my opinion of the Fund. I'm perfectly happy writing a check to the happy couple knowing that the money may end up being used for a honeymoon, vacation, or even paying off some debt from the wedding...but I don't like the idea of asking guests to fund your honeymoon. Personally, I see it as inviting people to get a better honeymoon that you may have not been able to afford. Like I said before, I'm old-fashioned and that's probably a lot of the reason that I wouldn't do one of these. Needless to say, I wouldn't not give a wedding gift because of it, but I would likely give less than if I were to just write out a big fat check.
I still believe the best way to get money for a wedding is to have your parents and your FI's parents spread the word. If they say you'd like money to start your new life together, then the whole problem is solved, as is the etiquette issue. However, everyone is different, and if that's what you and your FI want to do, by all means, do it. I am voicing my own personal opinion for my own wedding, and not at all judging anything you, or anyone else, may do!
I posted a similar question, and got some more good replies, in case you're interested! (as well as a link to a blog post that I hadn't seen before!)
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/registry-etiquette-do-you-have-to-have-one
@abbie017: "Personally, I see it as inviting people to get a better honeymoon that you may have not been able to afford."
Why is that a problem? Without having my wedding guests give money instead of gifts, I would be stuck with a million material items that I had no use for (and couldn't take on the plane with me), and at the same time wouldn't be able to go on my honeymoon because of budget constraints. In my experience, wedding guests are usually more than happy to help out with a honeymoon.
I think a honeyfund (or whatever type you get) account is a perfectly fine idea, and it's becoming much more popular since so many couples are already living together, or are not able to afford big trips.
@abbie017: I get you 100%. I am still torn on the concept of a "Honeyfund" because ultimately, they are cash registries and I'm still of the opinion that
1) the honeymoon is the couple's responsibility and
2) if they can't afford it, they shouldn't have one OR be asking for $$$ toward it.
@abbie017: Thanks for you feedback, too! (I know this isn't my thread, but these responses are helpful to me.)
@leafgum: I think it's fine to use money that you get towards the honeymoon. I just think it's a little presumptuous to ask your guests to fund your honeymoon. The point of a wedding, after all, is to celebrate your love and marriage, not to get a fancy vacation.
I really liked Mrs.FunnelCake idea of a Honeymoon registry, check it out: http://www.weddingbee.com/2011/10/18/honeymoon-registry-5/
@maraschino: So, would you rather spend your money on a gift that the couple doesn't need or want just because it's on a "traditional" registry at a store?
(I know it's hard to tell tone online, but just for the record, there is no snark or snottiness in my question. I'm honestly wondering because as I said above, I would be more than happy to contribute to a couple's honeymoon if that's what they wanted instead of material items.)
I just feel like perhaps a lot of the etiquette opinions on this are outdated or behind the times because honeymoon registries are such a new phenomenon. It just seems like such a weird thing to care about as guest... If the couple can't afford a honeymoon, why is it bad to ask for contributions towards that if they'd rather have that than tangible gifts?
@abbie017: Right, but it's not about getting fancy gifts, either... Guests will still give gifts, even though of course that isn't what the marriage is about - so I am just really confused why it's considered rude to guide guests towards what the couple REALLY, actually wants, even if that's a honeymoon?
Really, if you think about it, registries in and of themselves could be considered "rude." You are basically telling your guests what to give you. Same with a honeymoon registry, only it's asking for an experience.
Everyone has different opinions of what is acceptable and I think it depends on your friends and culture. In NZ is is absolutely acceptable to give and recieve money at a wedding and this is the norm nowdays because more people are living together before getting married.
My FI and I brought a house together 5 years ago and have everything we need so we have set up a honeymoon account at a travel agency. When guests put money on it they get a small card to say they contributed and at the end we get a list of everyone so we can do the thank you's.
So far all the feedback has been positive and everyone is excited that they are helping us to have our dream honeymoon :)
@Ms Bookworm: You make a good point, and I never thought about it that way. The only distinction I see is that traditionally, the gifts were used as part of the bride's dowry when building their new home together. Now that most people live together before marriage (myself included), money is the preferred gift. I guess in my head there is just a big difference between asking for a KitchenAid versus asking for contributions towards a hotel in Paris. I understand a lot of people already have most of their household goods, but what's the difference in just spreading the word that you'd like cash instead of doing the HoneyFund?
Like I said before, this is just how I feel for my own wedding and I really hope it isn't coming off as judgmental/critical!
@Ms Bookworm: "Hate" may be a word that is stronger than my actual emotion, which is probably ambivalence. I won't judge someone harshly for having a honeymoon registry but 1) Not all of the money I'm giving you goes to you and 2) I don't get to actually physically give something to you (I know you can put it in a card or whatever, but it's not the same to me) so, I'd rather just give cash.
That's really my point, cold hard currency beats out clicking a box and entering my credit card number eveytime for me as a gift giver.
I want the couples I know to get everything they need to start their life together, including the honeymoon oftheir dreams, I just think that spreading the word about wanting cash instead of having a honeymoon registry is the way to go. And if you do have a honeymoon registry don't be surprised if people like me stick a $50 bill in their card instead of giving you $46.50 after the registry site takes their cut.
Gift giving is a really complicated social construct, sometimes people have strong feelings about how to do it.
@abbie017: No, I don't think you seem judgmental! I appreciate your input because it's giving me things to think about. FI & I care about being gracious hosts at our wedding, and we would never want to offend guests by asking them to contribute to a honeyfund. Honestly, the way our honeyfund idea came about is BECAUSE we didn't want to offend guests by asking for cash; we thought a honeymoon registry would be more fun for them than feeling pressured to give cash (since our traditional registry will be tiny with a minimal amount of things on it).
This discussion is making me rethink our plan. I wonder if we shouldn't just register for the few things we do need, then let guests give money if that's what they want to do. Like I said above, I am not someone who likes to give cash, so I appreciate these perspectives that bring up points I hadn't thought about.
@Ms Bookworm: Isn't it funny how different opinions ultimately get back to the same thing!? We're all so worried about being gracious and non-offensive that it get so complicated, and with so many different opinions, you never really know what's right! In the end, it boils down to what works best for you and your FI. Talk to your parents and see what they think. They can feel out what other family members would think. (My family is hugely into etiquette; we all have copies of Emily Post that get referenced regularly...my FI's family is 100% different and don't even understand why unmarried aunts/uncles are getting +1s on their invitations!) Good luck figuring out what works for you -- I'm sure you'll make the best decision for you, and that really is what matters!
(Edited to fix atrocious spelling mistakes!)
I think you should have at least a small registry for those people who will give you a gift. I would rather let them know what you do need rather than get a handful of stuff that you'll never use or duplicate gifts. I'm not a fan of the honeymoon registry, I think it's still kind of an etiquette taboo thing to do, but having a small registry is how you typically let your guests know that cash is preferred.
My thought is that if you don't have a registry, you just want cash........so that's what I would give! No need to further specify...
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