Post # 1
I’ll start by saying I love my husband. We’ve been together for 12 years. I don’t have any major complaints about our relationship. However, I cannot share a bed with him. The snoring is just too much for me to handle. Rather that make him wear an uncomfortable device or sleep on the couch I have my own bedroom. Works fine for me. We’ve been sleeping separately for years without argument.
Lately he’s been bitching about it. He thinks it’s damaging our marriage because we sleep separately and shouldn’t continue to do it. I’ve been trying just to appease him but I hate sharing a bed, I really do. I end up either getting up in the middle of the night to go back to my own room of kicking and punching him to get him to stop. I don’t think it’s bad for the relationship to sleep separately but I do think it’s bad to have inadequate sleep.
Am I totally in the wrong for not wanting to share a bed with my husband? Is he overreacting about it hurting our relationship?
Post # 3
@Aquaria: I apologise as this is a personal question, but has your intimacy been affected by you sleeping in separate beds? This could be why your husband is upset…
I think I’d be a bit cranky too if my husband didn’t want to share a bed with me.
Post # 4
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Post # 5
Is he willing to explore options to reduce the snoring? Has he had a sleep study does he need CPAP? mouth guards? surgery? or in many cases weight loss? In most cases the snorer doesn’t realize how disrupting their snoring is.
I see lots of room for compromise here.
Post # 6
I don’t think you are in the wrong. Snoring is a legitimate obstacle to sharing a bed with your husband. I am the snorer in our marriage. Losing 20 pounds has not helped. My husband copes by putting me on my side. I should also add that I am awful to sleep beside because I take up the whole bed. My poor husband!
Sometimes I sleep in the spare bedroom to give my husband a break. However, after a few nights, my husband starts missing me and asks me to sleep beside him.
I will add that I understand where your husband is coming from as well. While I don’t agree that sleeping apart is necessarily bad for a marriage, your husband also craves that connection.
What about alternating nights?
Post # 7
@Aquaria: doesn’t sound crazy to me, ESP if you uh get time together before you actually go to sleep in another room!
Post # 8
@Aquaria: he should see a doctor if his snoring is that bad. Then re visit the sleeping issue. If one person thinks there is an issue then there is an issue and you need to wok together to come up with a solution.
Post # 9
@Aquaria: According to studies and research, no, it’s not awful.
Lots of couples that have been together for a couple decades or longer sleep separately. As long as the issue was snoring or whatnot then it’s fine. If you sleel apart over resentment, to avoid sex, or bc your up your kid’s ass, then that’s a whole different story.
So, generally it’s not awful, but it’s obviously a problem for your SO so you’ll have to try to solve it.
Post # 10
We sleep apart and honestly I don’t care if he doesn’t like it. If he legit hated it wouldn’t your husband do something to remedy his snoring? I can’t function with less than 6 hours of sleep for very long, I become a crazy person. I finally broke down crying and told FI either go to the dr or sleep alone. Works for us.
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
I don’t think it’s horrible to sleep separately, but I do think both people have to be on board with it (just like both people have to be on board with sharing a bed) or resentment may start to build up. I see your point, but I also see his. I think there must be some way to come to a compromise that doesn’t ruin sleep for either one of you. Has anything changed in your routine lately that might make him hesitant about sharing rooms (like less communication, less physical contact, etc.)?
Maybe he could try a sleep study or some other more drastic measures to reduce his snoring? Or you could keep sleeping apart but have a designated ‘snuggle time’ before bed in one of your rooms?
My aunt and uncle haven’t shared a bed in like 10+ years and they’ve been married over 25. His snoring annoys her and she needs a different kind of mattress than him. They sleep in the same room, just in separate beds across the room from each other. Would that be a possible compromise? Sharing a room, but not beds? Obviously you’re still in the room with the snoring, but it seems to have helped my aunt and uncle somehow.
Post # 12
@Aquaria: I know a couple who’s been sleeping separate for 15 years. They do the deed and then go back to their own beds. They both LOVE the arrangement…. I think that’s the key; there’s nothing wrong with it and it has helped couples, but both parties have to see the benefit. If you guys aren’t on the same page about it, it could be destructive. But after having dated a snorer that kept me up at night, i DEFINITELY understand your pain!
Post # 13
@Aquaria: I need a good, solid, 8 hours sleep. To get that, I need quiet (ie no snoring) and space. Currently, we have a 6 foot wide details bed, so space isn’t an issue; and OH only snores if he’s been drinking heavily (very occasionally). If either of those things changed, I would have no qualms about sleeping elsewhere as I believe that sharing a bed in those circumstances would make me tired and irritable, and resentful, and negatively impact our relationship.
So, I totally don’t see an issue with sleeping separately, however, your husband clearly does. I would probably first want to know what has changed: is it, as a PP said, due to lack of intimacy? Is it due to pressure from friends? Find out why his attitude has changed, and go from there. If it transpires that sharing a bed is just important to him, maybe you can compromise eg agree to share a bed if and only if he resolves the snoring issue. Sleep deprivation is ultimately a form of torture, so you absolutely should not just have to deal with it, but perhaps you can compromise somewhere.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
I think every relationship is unique and has its own “normal”. I think sleeping separately is more common than we think.
But now hubby sounds stressed about you sleeping separate so things might have to change. I would be concerned abou this snoring from a health aspect- is he overweight? He shouldn’t be “sawing wood” if he’s very healthy, ya know?!
Post # 15
I , personally could not imagine sleeping in separate beds from my husband , especially for a long period of time. Physical intimacy aside, at night before sleep and in the morning before getting up, we have some of our best chats and cuddles that closen our relationship as a couple before or after our hectic daily schedule. I have the “to each their own” motto though; if you’ve found that sleeping in separate rooms works for your relationship , I’m not going to judge. I do think though, that you both have to be on the same page. If your husband isn’t happy, maybe he feels like he’s missing you by his side?
Post # 16
@Aquaria: my husband and I sleep in the same bed, but at different times… He works nights so for the most part we sleep separately… Occasionally we get the chance to sleep together (if were on vacation, or I sleep late on the weekends) and it can be a hard adjustment, especially since he snores really bad too! I found myself slipping out of our bed and into the guest bed at our old house sometimes when I just couldn’t take it…
I worry one of these days that he’ll get a day job and we’ll be on the same schedule… We might have to do what you’re doing if we can’t get his snoring under control!