Is it time to leave?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

He won’t let you go because he’s selfish. He wants to keep you, and all the value you bring to him (companionship, helping with chores, paying some of the bills) without giving you what you ultimately want. I would suggest leaving, because as you say, it has been long enough and he has no interest in marrying you. If a man is 39 and cannot settle down and marry, he never will.

That being said, I really am very sorry you are going through this 🙁 I know the idea of leaving is scary, and maybe you won’t leave, but whatever it is you choose, I hope you find happiness soon <3

Post # 3
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’d have left that night after hearing that. Even if he did propose now its tainted.

Post # 4
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

aprilnewbee:  When did you two have your timeline discussion?  If that and the brother argument was recent I would give him a few months after that conversation for him to consider it.  But if like you said, you’re not willing to keep waiting it is time to consider leaving IMO.

And to answer your question about letting you go, it’s probably so much easier for him to just continue your relationship as it is now, lots of drama to breakup and lots of work to get engaged!  Not saying it’s the right thing to do, but that’s probably what he’s thinking, and it doesn’t mean necessarily that he doesn’t love you!

Post # 5
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m sorry you are going through what sounds like a very dismal situation. Personally, I think you are being strung along. He is clearly comfortable as things are which is why he is happy to discuss the principle of marriage but won’t begin to clutter his head with even the vaguest timeline.

To tell your brother that you were bullying him into marriage is both disrespectful and out of order. I’m not sure I could get over that.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  .
Post # 6
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

Im in the state of mind where I am not casually dating anymore, I am dating to find that person to spend the rest of my life with. 2 years is enough time to decide whether you can see yourself with that person in my personal opinion. Im not sure what his issues are, he may have other demons haunting him that have nothing to do with you and the quality of your relationship. I cannot say for sure how your SO’s treating you or whether he is stringing you along from this post but I will say that after 2.5 years, you deserve a conversation about your future and where the relationship is going. If he is unwilling to give you that and have a serious open conversation, then you should be unwilling to hold on to an unknown future with this guy. I hope everything works out! *hugs*

Post # 7
Member
9 posts
Newbee

From what you wrote, I don’t think you have enough information on his thoughts. There could be issues in his past, or things he’s concerned about in the future that you don’t know about, or that you don’t realize how big of a factor they are playing for him. It seems like people’s advice is frequently “leave! he’s using you!” right away, but I don’t think any of us here have enough information on y’all’s relationship to assess that… obviously. But you guys definitely need to have a serious, calm talk. Maybe not right now, but after you’ve had time to cool down and collect your thoughts. 

Women tend to respond emotionally and are pretty good at understanding another woman’s behavior without us saying too much–how many times do we women intuitvely understand why another woman is upset about something, when her man is *totally* clueless? Men just seem to operate on a totally different level. I think you have to be direct and spell it out for them. If he loves you and if you guys are right for each other, y’all will be able to understand each other if you find the right way to communicate about it.

Something to consider in the future is counseling. Maybe counseling for just you, to help you get your thoughts sorted out, and then maybe counseling together. It may not be necessary, but sometimes it is so helpful to have a neutral third party’s perspective.

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think I have to take (gentle) issue with this idea that men operate from a completely different planet and thus must be indulged when they choose to behave selfishly, tactlessly or downright indecisively. I accept that there can be gender differences in how some issues are tackled – just try getting the average man to a doctor, for example! – but we shouldn’t tiptoe around the male sex on the grounds that they “do things differently” when we need sensible answers to reasonable questions.

Any man who wants to get married is perfectly capable of expressing this straightforwardly. Likewise, if he doesn’t wish to commit he can say so. You can then make your own decisions based on what he has said. The idea that a man has to be allowed to prevaricate purely on the basis of gender is an indulgence too far in my opinion. 

Post # 9
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If he was younger, I would say he could just be wanting to get his proverbial ducks in a row before marriage – this is something a lot of younger men want, they want to try to build some stability before they take a wife. But he’s not. I would walk.

Telling him what you want is NOT bullying him into marrying you. You’re an adult, you should be able to talk to a partner about your wishes for marriage and expect them to be able to participate in a dialogue about that with you without the partner being threatened by a normal, adult, mature conversation. 

My FI and I are older (or at least, out of our early 20s in his case) and he was very decisive about it. Even before we got engaged, he made it clear that he wanted marriage and he wanted it with me. It is not a “man thing” to resist engagement. 

Post # 11
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

aprilnewbee:  I think often a good rule of thumb is that if you feel the need to ask an Internet message board whether you should leave a partner of multiple years you love enough to marry, then yes, yes you should probably leave.

Putting aside the fact he’s in his late 30s and thus should know himself well enough to know one way or the other if he’s ready for marriage with a woman he’s dated over 2 years, he lied to your face about something incredibly important to you – marriage. As adults that love and respect each other, you should be able to ask him where you and the relationship stands with him, and be able to trust that out of said love and respect he will give you a straight answer.  Instead he gave you a vague cop out of an answer that still managed to keep the carrot dangled just enough to keep you around. Then he proceeded to turn around and tell someone else that you are bullying him, which is a complete divergence from his response to you.

Sorry but that would be major for me. I’d feel betrayed he went outside the relationship to express those (rather unflattering) feelings while giving me a completely different song and dance. Agreed with PP that telling him what you want isn’t bullying him. The fact that he said that it is shows disrespect for your feelings and makes this all about him, which is not a good quality in a partner.

Actions speak louder than words and he is showing you what he really wants (or doesn’t want).

Post # 12
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Telling your brother that you’re bullying him into marrying him? That would be a MAJOR fight right there.  

I know it’s possible for men to “come around” to marriage when they first claim not to think it’s necessary, b/c my friend married a guy like that. They also compromised on children and agreed to have only one. He’s very happily married and a great, fulfilled dad. 

Maybe your guy is like that… maybe not.  I think you know deep down what the truth is. And kudos to you for knowing when it’s time to go. 

Post # 13
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you can give a timeline for a timeline, meaning, give him a set amount of time to figure out what he wants, by when.  If you give him a week/month, he might decide he wants to get married next year/never. 

If a man hasn’t married by 39, then I think he’s set in his ways and there’s a big concern about loss of freedom.  I would try (or if you’re already doing this, continue) to shift the conversation from what you want, to understanding what he wants.  Does he want marriage? Does he want marriage with you?  A 39 year old man should know his own mind.  You deserve to know his answers.  

Post # 15
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

OP, it sounds as if it’s time.  Like you, I could never accept a proposal after over-hearing such a statement.  So sorry.

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