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Wow 5 years LDR with no promise when it will be over? I got to give it to you, that it tough, I was in an LDR for 2 years and it never got easier.
I think if you have no agreed timeline, maybe you should bite the bullet and move on. As tough as it will be, once you find a partner you can see and be with nearly everyday, the confidence will come back, as they will make you feel so much secure in yourself (and I speak from experience of this)
I never advise ending a relationship, but I think you have already resigned yourself your relationship might now be over as this guy doesn't want to move things forward like you do.
I wish you the best of luck and happiness, breaking up is never easy to do, but it might be the relief you need.
@Srasoulimadani0: "he's making me feel like I'm not good enough"
The person who you love and loves you back should never make you feel like this.
I agree with @spaneshal:...with no agreeed upon timeline..maybe its time to move on. I know that it's easier said than done. Good luck ((hugs))
LDRs are hard enough without the added struggles you're going through. We've had a year of a LDR, and I've experienced all the things you're talking about. The insecurity, humiliation, all of it.
First of all, the resentments, if anything, push him farther away from marriage and commitment. Your resentments are valid and understandable, but they're toxic to your relationship and yourself. I'm struggling with this exact same thing right now, and found Mr. Bee's backup plan suggestion helpful for overall well-being.
I agree with the previous posters about the no timeline thing. It's a very real possibility it's time to move on.
If you decide to stay, maybe try a couple months of Mr. Bee's plan to see if things get better? At least you know you tried. Otherwise, if you leave, you've got very reasonable grounds for doing so. Good luck.
"I've started to feel really insecure, humiliated, depressed, confused and resentful lately, he's making me feel like I'm not good enough."
This, to me, is a sign that you need to move on. Now, when I say moving on, that doesn't mean "break up with him forever". It means prepare yourself to walk away and do it. No ultimatums, no threats - just end it and wish him the best. You need to know you are good enough, confident enough, and independent enough to stick up for yourself.
You may find that he has been taking you for granted and this will give him the shock of his life. Then, it will be up to YOU if you want to give it another shot with him.
Right now he's holding the entire deck. Take some of those cards back. It'll do wonders for that insecurity and resentment you're feeling.
@mandypop: GREAT advice, mandy!!! I was going to say that I am not in your situation so I cannot truly judge the situation, but I can give my input. I think that if you are not feeling amazing, respected, and wanted all the time, then it is time to move on. You need to forget what you want... and remember what you deserve! You deserve someone who will raise you up and be all you want and more! It doesn't have to be peaches and cream ALL the time, but most of the time will do! LDR stinks and it adds pressure and stress on a relationship, but you both should still have plans of moving forward. I can understand that he is still young.. but he should have at least sat down and had a serious talk or given you a promise ring or SOMETHING. I say end it... and if he realizes he was wrong you have the ball in your court. Just don't let him do the same thing to you, again!
I was in a similar situtation--a four year, long-distance relationship that didn't seem to be going anywhere. I think after four years you know if you are with the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. I think about the movie 500 Days of Summer a lot. In the movie the female lead breaks up with a boyfriend and a year or so later ends up married to another man. Her ex-boyfriend wanted to know why the girl that never wanted to be his girlfriend could end up as someone's wife. She said that one day she woke up and knew what she never was sure of when she was with him. She knew the new guy she was dating was the one. It's kind of cliche, but that resonated with me. A later broke up with my long-distance boyfriend and found true love. I haven't looked back since!
It's hard to comment with recommendations when people only have a small snippet of your situation and your relationship, but I think you know in your heart. Trust your gut feeling, and don't glorify your relationship just for the sake of the status quo.
Dont get me wrong guys, he is such an amazing person and does everything for me. He goes out of his way and works really hard to make me happy. He works alot and says that he's doing everything for us and our future together. Everything i need he'll get it, he is my best friend and i love him so much. But I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND WHATS WRONG WITH ME, that makes him not wanna pop the question already. it makes me sad when i see friends who are engaged and i know ive worked way harder for my relationship. I think when when someone loves you and you've been together for 5 years and have known each other for 8 years, then whats the hold up? i'm just so upset and so mad at him for doing this to me. I really do love him but i want more, i want to know that this LDR will go somewhere, that its not a waste of time... if we get engaged now then we can be together for like a year or two before getting married. what do you guys think....
@Srasoulimadani0: I think that the fact that you said there is something wrong with you tells a lot. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you! Have you sat down and had a serious conversation together? Maybe he and you have different expectations on the timeline/ring/relationship? Honesty is best. Best of luck!
He used to tell me in a year, then that year came and went, then next year then that year came and went. He is always setting up dates and those dates are passing by with no end in sight. Now he just says I want to marry you and get engaged but then again no timeline. I want to get married I want a family…. Am I wasting my time?
Have you guys ever talked about this before? Did you share ur concerns with him?
Yes we've talked about it, He knows but he avoids talking about timeline, it's always "i really want too" ... I don’t want to wait another year... I'm not getting any younger and I want a family, I'm ready... I figure engagment-1 to 2 years, I'll be 26 by then..then get married at 26 and maybe kids around 30... but he just keeps pushing it back... do I have to give up everything I want from my life for someone else... honestly its my head against my heart
I know what you mean-- and you definetly dont have to choose someone elses happiness over yours! nor will you ever be considered selfish.. I do think that he wants to as well but I think he just doesnt have it in him just yet to take the step forward. Maybe hes waiting for the right time..? Maybe hes saving up money becuase he knows about all the finances that might fall onto both your laps for the wedding and marriage?
I would wanna say to talk to any of his close guy friends and see if anyone had any idea if he ever shared the idea of marriage with them but Im not sure if thats such a good idea..
Thats not a bad idea depending on his friends. When I was starting to get itchy, it was actually one of his female friends who could sense my growing frustration and said "don't worry....its coming". That made a HUGE difference.
You said that you two have talked about it...has he given a reason for making you wait this long even though he has promised it before. Like financial reasons?
Atleast you felt comfort at some point.. its so hard to NOT know and just literally fantisize about it happning all the time..
=/
Financial was the main reason a few months ago, but he got promoted and he is planning a vacation for us to see each other (LDR) and he is spending a lot of money on the vacation but he is also spending a lot of money on his friends and going out…. I’m sitting here thinking like you have money and you can’t put a down payment on a ring?! I know you guys are thinking “well maybe he’ll ask you on vacation” but I know him better and he knows that I want it done the traditional way… ask parents… get everyone involved (I’m very big on family) …then pop the questions and things like that take time…
Yikes, well...maybe he just isn't ready to grow up yet. If he isn't giving you what he promised and what you want out of the relationship maybe you need a break from talking to him. You need to really decide whether you want to stay in your relationship. Just a side note, from 20-25 I feel like I learned a lot about myself and my relationship and that's when I decided he wasn't the one for me. (My exfiance and I dated almost 7 years). You both have done a lot of changing in the course of your relationship I'm sure and maybe it is just time to re-evaluate where it is going. I don't want to tell you that you should leave him because that is your decision to make.
I am curious, if you are that invested in the relationship why are one of you not re locating?
marriage is a big step. I think it would be good for both of you to spend more quality time together.
Definitely think it's time to move on. You shouldn't feel that way, those emotions are huge red flags, and if he is dragging his feet that much after 5 years, you shouldn't have to put your life on hold any longer.
I'll be done with school in a few months and I told him i would move to where he is but then again I won't move for someone unless i'm married. My parents are tradtional and I respect them enough to do that for them
I have to co-sign with @HopefulInLove:'s thoughts on this one. Maybe he's just not ready to "grow up and settle down" yet. As evidenced by this little tidbit you wrote that jumped out at me: but he is also spending a lot of money on his friends and going out….
Honestly, if he has been putting it off for upwards of two years after discussing it, and after you have said you would live with him only if you were married and he hasn't tried to at least advance into that stage with you, it's time to move on.
The fact that it has been long distance for five years and he CAN live without you basically means either he hasn't grown up or he's not ready for marriage.
It sounds to me like the two of you are in very different places while trying to stay in the same relationship. This is a tough spot to be in, but from what you've posted it seems that he simply isn't ready to get engaged and married yet... and you obviously are. I know you probably feel like after 5 years of dating it should be time, and you're going to hate me for saying this, but you're still so young with a lot of changes on the horizon.
If you're absolutely certain that you absolutely want to be married right now, then yeah, I'd exit the relationship. However, if you can honestly look at yourself and determine that you're obsessing a little about getting married instead of being happy with your relationship (regardless of whats going on in others'), then you should give it more time. But if you do decide to stay in it, I would either have an honest discussion and get a serious deadline decided... or not mention marriage again for a long time.
Regardless, it sounds like you're not happy with this situation at all, and who can blame you? You've been LDR for 5 years... that can't be easy.
Good luck
Unfortunately if you are questioning whether or not it is time to go, you should at least be having a very serious discussion with him or a break (as opposed to breaking up)
Ultimately, only you can answer the questions on how you are feeling about him and whether the relationship is working for you.
I say, go on the holiday together, concentrate on what you love about him and see where that leaves you feeling.
I would suggest a serious conversation with him before making a decision. Obviously it's a completely different scenario as SO and I live together but even though I have been waiting over 7.5 years I wouldn't consider ever leaving him because we aren't engaged yet. If you are thinking about it I think you need to talk and if that still makes you think you want to leave you need to do what is right for you.
I'm in my 30s now, so about 2 years would have been my timeline if I had set one in advance. In my 20s, 3-4 years would have been my timeline if we both were out of school.
As others have said, I think that since you are 24, and you met at 19... you might want to think long and hard about the future. I am 26, and I am a completely different person than I was at 19. At 19 I was dating an ex, we dated until I was 22, and he sucked! Unfortunately he wasn't out of my life until I was 23ish... and then I finally met my man at 23, and it is almost three years later. I have grown so much as a person even despite the relationship. After finishing my bachelor's, master's and have had a career for five years I am different as a person, and am in a different place relationship-wise. I'm not saying you two shouldn't be together, but often times it is hard to grow up and grow together rather than grow apart. Since you are asking everyone for their advice there is obviously something deep-seeded. I can absolutely understand wanting to get engaged because you have been together so long... but there very well might be someone who is on the same page as you who you have not met yet. It is a difficult decision, and I wish you the best of luck. There is no reason that you can't break up and see how you feel, where it takes you. I like the advice of enjoy the vacation, see how it goes, have a talk and then do whatever you think will be best. Don't forget, you want someone who is already on the same page, not someone you need to speed up!! :)
If there is no 'end' to the long distance part of your relationship and he knows that in order for you to move in with him and be in the same place he needs to propose, what is he waiting for?
If he promises every year that 'this is the year' and never follows through on it, you are starting to doubt your worth as a person and are depressed over it, I think you know your answer.
Why don't you sit down and TALK with him abou how you feel, and put the ball in his court? Tell him all that and see what he says. Don't give him an untimatum, but tell him that the lack of committment is making you feel badly and you are not happy with the situation you are in.
Talk about a realistic timeline for you to get engaged, and what factors HE is wating on to pop the question.
How often do you actually see him? If not very often, then that could also be an issue.
He gave a timeline but I feel like if I wait then I'll just get another one... Honestly I'm sick of waiting
I was in a LDR, and I think you should take a break. I was 22 when we broke it off, and i realized that I had spent a lot of my younger years when I should have been dating in a committed relationship that just didn't work anymore.
I know what your saying but my culture is different and casual dating is not for me.., I'm ready to be married
It sounds like he's too young and having too much fun to commit to you. I dated a guy who was similar-- we dated for 3.5 years and he just wanted to keep being a teenager. We had fun together but when things turned into an LDR, he didn't want to settle down and I didn't want to be with someone who didn't respect me or have the same kind of drive and maturity that I did.
Now my current SO and I have been together for about a year-- though we've been friends for over a decade. We've been in an LDR for our entire relationship, but I have no doubt that he's in it for the long haul. We talk about moving in together and getting married next summer and I know he wants to be with me and isn't dragging his feet. He has a job, has goals, and while he certainly enjoys going out with his friends, he also flies to see me and I know he saves most of his paychecks.
I could not be in a five year LDR. The only thing making my LDR easier is that I graduate from my graduate program in May and my SO has said he'll accompany to whereever I go next. We have a timeline and there is an end in sight. I don't think I could stay in an indefinite LDR, especially if the guy isn't showing that he is in it for the long haul.
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Hi everyone,
Ive been in a long distance realtionship for 5 years now, different states almost 2,000 miles from each other. I'll be 24 in 2 months and he's 25. I wanted to be engaged when I was 22 and have a 2-3 year engagement then get married. I refuse to move in with him until I'm married and he's been dragging his feet big time, I'm starting to think maybe it's the end of our relationship. I don't want to waste my time. I'm not sure what to do, every year he promises that we'll be together soon, he claims he wants to get married but I don't believe him anymore. I've started to feel really insecure, humiliated, depressed, confused and resentful lately, he's making me feel like I'm not good enough. everyone around is getting engaged with their bf after a year and here I am after 5... Still in the same situation. People are always asking me like when are you getting engaged and sometimes I just wanna tell me that we're not that serious because I feel so humiliated. I think it might be a loss cause and maybe I should start new with someone who really wants to be with me.