Post # 1
So let me start by saying there are only 16 people in my family able to make the flight from PA to Colorado for our wedding. Or i should say there WERE only 16. Now it’s looking like 14. My sister and matron of honor just TEXTED me that she might have to drop out because of health issues with her and her new baby. She has been an okay MOH so far, except for the fact she never picks up her phone (never has from the start, not just cause of recent health issues). She has never offered support, encouragement, help with DIY projects, shared excitement etc. She just shows up to things (just the bachelorette party and my shower) and spends money on them. I’d rather her return my calls once in a while than spend $350 on my shower cake.
Now its looking like she might not be able to come. I already have a brother who made it to my other two sisters weddings but probably wont be able to make it to mine, so I’m shooting one for three sibllings showing up.
Then there’s the situation with the FI having SO much family and friends there compared to mine. Am I wrong to feel like I just don’t really want to dress up and walk down the aisle and spent 15k of my family’s money which I could use for something eles on 14 people I know, about 10 people I’ve met no more than five times and more than 30 people I would say I’ve met once or never? Id really almost rather it be just me and Panda. I’d be much happier if he could have kept his guest list down somehow to be at like 20-25 or even 30 people too, but I understand he doesn’t want to not include anyone, and we’ve been through this and decided they could come.
At this point, if the MOH can’t come, I seriously think I’m done. Maybe I’m being irrational, maybe not. Outside opinions will have to tell me. Does anyone know if you cancel your venue, if you lose more than just the deposit? How about other deposits? I know the BM dresses will be a lost cause (mine I can still use), but if I can even get half the money back we were going to spend on this wedding my FI and I can use it to fly to to jamaica and elope.
Post # 3
What would your family say if you eloped? As far as I know you’ll lose ALL your deposits, not sure what else though. I’m so sorry that you are this stressed. (((hugs)))
Post # 4
*hugs* Honey, I think something has got to happen because you’re not doing well. Sit down with your fiancé and talk about your options. Can you do something for yourselves independent from the wedding? I think eloping should be discussed as an option if the wedding is going to make you really so miserable. I wonder, though, is it the wedding that is making you miserable or all the lead up to the wedding? At this point, you may just want to get through the wedding so you can get on with your happily married life. On the other hand, if the wedding is really going to upset you, discuss elopement with your fiancé. What needs to be done – bare minimum – for the wedding to happen? I bet that most of it has taken place right now and a lot of the end stage projects could just be jettisoned if you need it to be.
Post # 5
Oh my gosh! Hugs to you! I’m so, so sorry this is happening. I can’t even imagine if my MOH (my sister) had to back out of our wedding, but that’s because we’re incredibly close.
How does your FI feel about eloping? Will your other family members be SOL with any travel arrangements that have been made?
As far as I know, based on our own contracts, you would probably lose any and all money you’ve put into the wedding thus far with your catering, venue, florist, cake, etc. You might be able to salvage your photographer if you pay for their flight to Jamaica and then, of course, rings and your attire.
I would talk to your FI and explain how you feel, and see what he says. If it’s important to him to have the wedding, I would just go through with it. From what I hear, on the wedding day, you won’t even notice who’s there and who’s not.
Post # 6
stay cool, whoever comes will be triple happy for you
you get married once
eloping is a mistake, you will always have regrets
Post # 7
I felt this exact way many, many times during planning. The short answer is No, it isn’t too late to have whatever kind of wedding makes you happy. :). I will say that now, after a day that felt OBSCENELY expensive (not objectively, but to us) and in which plenty went wrong, I am glad we did it. I could watch that silly video and look at the pictures 500 times a day (the Husband teases me about it). It is going to be beautiful, and happy, and an event to return to again and again throughout your lives. I’m not sure that is the kind of support you are looking for, if you want permission to just call it off then it is hereby GRANTED. 🙂 But no matter what, you get to fall asleep that day married. It is going to be so much better than you can even imagine, no matter what you decide.
Post # 8
@ ilovenycmissie – I think you are mistaken, I’ve known of several people who have eloped and been EXTREMELY happy with their decision. An elopement isn’t always a bad thing.
Post # 9
yep, wait til they have kids and start arranging a grand wedding they never had; believe me it bites you back when you least expect it
I know this firsthand; when you dont have something you look for it later through your kids or act it out later in life, if not the wedding then something else they never experienced
dont do it engaged to panda, dont elope, hang in there you’re just stressed, breathe in and out
Post # 10
So right now, the biggest issue would be with the people who have already spent money on plane tickets, and the hotels we booked for our Western roadtrip honeymoon. Other than that all the deposits we’ve made only add up to 5k and that was with 1,200 of it being for the dress and close to 2k for the photographer that like you said we might still be able to salvage.
I’m not sure if I don’t think I’ll enjoy the wedding anymore without my sister and brother + all the people I don’t know, or if I’m just so stressed out from planning I feel very rash. It’s really hard to tell. I would definitely have to sleep on this. All your opinions do help though.
Post # 11
I know just how you feel. About 10 days before my wedding I sat down next to my mom, burst into tears, and wailed, “Mommy, I don’t want to have a wedding anymore!” Our guest list was huge, and my husband’s family had invited *so* many people I’d never met in my life, and my cousins had said they weren’t coming but then changed their minds and completely threw our seating chart into chaos, and the venue suddenly decided that we couldn’t store rentals overnight, which meant we had to scramble to change our arrangements with the caterer and rental company. It just all seemed so overwhelming and annoying and I was thisclose to dragging my sweetheart to the courthouse and drive off into the sunset for a romantic week somewhere far, far away.
But then I remembered about all of *my* friends and favorite family members who’d already made plans, and I knew I couldn’t just bail on them. And as soon as people started getting into town, my mood improved — I remembered why we’d done this in the first place, to see people we loved. And our wedding was wonderful. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
It completely sucks that your sister/MOH might be bailing on you, but it sounds like she’s not doing it just to be difficult — health issues with a new mom and baby sounds like a reasonable concern. There are still others coming for your wedding, and I bet that you’ll enjoy it a lot more than you feel right now when you’re right in the thick of some pretty stressful stuff. Don’t make any rash decisions. Talk with your fiance, crunch the financials, and give yourself at least a week to take a deep breath before you get on the phone with the photographer and cancel your contract. Good luck!!
Post # 12
Honey, just hang in there. I had four people in my family make it. My aunt, uncle and cousin (who is like a sister to me and was my moh) didn’t make it because my aunt was in a hospital starting to die. My sister called me twenty minutes before the ceremony and told me she “felt too crappy” to come. My brother left me a really lame message a few days before the wedding, saying he “just couldn’t make it happen”. My mom paid for the entire wedding and hardly anyone from our family was there. I wanted to call the whole thing off and elope… but in the end, I’m glad I didn’t. It was still a very special day and I was able to bond with the people who were there. I can relate, and the only advice I can give is to take a few deep breathes and continue with your original plans. Eloping may cause more drama then it’s worth at this point.
Post # 13
yeah engagedtopanda, please please continue your plans you are having wedding jitters, I have freaked out 4 times during planning it then I said to myself release the tension what I cant change will not change
go with the flow
your loved ones will not be with you but everyone else there will be very very happy for you and wil feel bad spending on airflights for nothing, more negative energy
can your family drive; do you have friends on the airlines for buddy passes, how about train tickets; put up funds–have garage sales, sell your unused jewelrry-thats’ what i did to make extra moolah; if there’s a will there is a way
my fiance put up his own savings to fly his whole family and groomsman and best man from engalnd and australia all the closest people in his life, he found a way and researched great deals at $350/roundtrip from england and $600 from australia
good luck, bee!
Post # 14
I’m so sorry you’re stressed and that your siblings can’t make it to your wedding!
My advice is step away from planning for a few days to a week if possible, give yourself some time and space before you make ANY decision either way.
My gut says that since people have already booked travel to come out, you should move forward with your plans; perhpas you can reel in some of your costs to keep from spending as much as you’d planned? I’m sure the Hive can come up with terrific ways to still through a great wedding that your far-traveling guests will enjoy, for less. That way at least you’re not spending quite as much money and perhaps that will help you relax and enjoy the planning and the day more.
No matter what I think a break is definitely in order, take a week to focus on just you, and your FI – not the wedding – and hopefully the time and space will help you feel better about things.
Keep us posted and please do give a holler if we can help with ideas, etc.
Post # 15
Thanks again everyone. I think I’m going to take Lori’s and others’ advice to step away from planning for a while. It’s hard because there is still a lot to be done and the date is getting closer and closer.
I’m also pretty disappointed that, selfish as it sounds, that I can’t talk to anyone about the wedding. This whole baby drama started about two weeks ago and now my sister is having health issues that just started, so basically I’ve had to put wedding plans and wedding talk on hold because every time I bring up some wedding issue, everyone in my family is like “how can you be concerned about that when former MOH is having such and such issue.”
I know my problems aren’t to be compared to hers, but I still do have a wedding to plan and I really need A LITTLE help and support from the family too 🙁
Post # 16
I know you’re really stressed right now, and from reading some of your recent posts – you don’t seem to be at the happiest point in your life. But, I don’t think you should call the wedding off at this point. It is SO close. Not only would you lose your deposits, but I don’t think your fiance would be ok with it as his family is already planning to go. You seem to be concerned (again from other posts) that your fiance is getting fed up with you feeling down – just imagine how he’ll feel when you explain that you want to cancel the whole thing!
…and it would be really inconsiderate to your guests who have already spent money on travel plans.
Take some tiem to focus on what the day is really all about, and move forward with it.