(Closed) Is it too much to ask?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

In my opinion, yes.  I’ve been in weddings where I was told what to wear, how to do my hair, what kind of makeup, etc. etc. and it really bothered me, as well as the other bridesmaids.  Not everyone is flattered by the same hairstyle or makeup.  I can understand asking that noone wears anything extreme, or asking that they have their hair pulled back off of their faces,  but to ask that they all be uniform from head to toe, to me, it is too much.  I hope you can find a happy compromise with your girls.  good luck! 

Post # 4
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Personally, I do think it is too much to ask.  I only say this because a lot of hairstyles don’t look good on everyone.  This isn’t saying you can’t ask your BM’s to have their hair styled up – just let them choose which updo. 

And how long are the dresses for matching shoes?  I’m in a wedding this summer and have to buy $60 matching shoes that I will never wear again to go with a long dress…basically no one will see the shoes.  I would much rather spend $60 on shoes I like and will wear again, ya know?

But like I said to the bride – and like my BMs say to me – it is your wedding and all that matters is that you’re happy.

 

Post # 5
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Usually I’ve seen it done where the bride will pick out the dresses and possibly shoes to wear, but makeup and hairstyles are usually left up to the girls and/or stylists.

The same hairstyles and makeup, and dresses for that matter, do not look the same on all women, and what might look good on one person may look hideous on another.

Also I think it depends on what you’d be asking your BM’s to wear. Personally if I was your BM and you told me I must dress a certain way head to toe, I’d think you were being a little too controlling, especially if you expect your BM’s to pay for everything on their own.

I would like my Bm’s to be able to coordinate and still reflect their own personal style, not be clones of one another. Just my 2 cents.

Post # 6
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think making general style suggestions such as "natural make up" or "up do" is fair, but specifying exactly how both should be done is not. For one, it’s not flattering in most cases (i.e. One of my BMs is a pale blue-eyed blonde and another is an olive-skinned, dark-eyed gal;there is no way that the same colors would look good on both of them). For another, it may make people feel uncomfortable doing things that are not "them" ; if you force the issue you may have BMs who are more preoccupied with how they feel than they will be with enjoying your day. And, I believe I’ve read that if you want the gals to get their hair/makeup done, you should cover the costs (I am covering hair and letting them pay for their make up IF they want to get it done) .

Post # 7
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think if you front the bill for the shoes, hairstyle, and makeup and if all of them are comfortable with the shoes, hairstyle, makeup… then its not being a "bridezilla".  However, I don’t think that as a bridesmaid you should be expected to do all of that.  Just my opinion, but I think that the primary reason you have bridesmaids is so that they can be there to love and support you on one of the most important days of your life, not so that they all can match.

Post # 8
Member
39 posts
Newbee

I tend to agree with the girls above.  I was asked to be in a wedding once and the bride picked out the shoes.  I have very wide feet and the shoes were super narrow.  I ended up buying an extra pair that I had to change into after pictures since I could not wear the ones she wanted us to wear all night.  I was not very happy about the $80 down the drain for two hours.

The more wedding pictures I look at I realize that girls with different looks makes your pictures so much more interesting.  Everyone with the same exact hair style and shoes looks very old fashioned to me!

I would trust that your girlfriends know what looks best on them at this point in their lives.  I am sure they will ask you for imput but let them make the final decision.

Post # 9
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

To each his own, but I guarantee no one at your wedding is going to say "it was so nice that all of the bridesmaids had the same hairstyle and lipstick color" if you ask these things of them.  I think we sometimes forget that people aren’t looking for everyone to be perfectly uniform.  Maybe you could say "It would be great if you either wear your hair half-up or all the way down" and give them a choice?  And maybe say "please stick with evening tones for your makeup," but not give them specific colors they have to wear?  (Different colors can look way different from one person to the next and they should each look like the best version of themselves.)  I feel like rigid requirements can get a little silly when 99% of your guests will never notice (because I promise, they won’t).

The rule of thumb that I followed was that I requested everyone buy the same dress, and I asked that they wear any silver shoes of their choice.  I wanted things to look somewhat uniform but I wanted the girls to be comfortable, too, and buy whatever was in their budget (or wear shoes they already had).  They each had a great pair of silver shoes that suited their individual personality and style (and I think you can probably see their shoes in all of 2 photos!).  I also told them they could do whatever they wanted with their hair and makeup and they could choose to utilize the professional services or not — totally their call.  They all ended up getting their hair or makeup professionally done, and they all ended up wearing their hair down b/c that’s how they all felt most comfortable.  In the photos, they look like themselves, the girls I love and asked to be there by my side because I love them — not because I wanted them all to look like clones of each other.

I really tried not to look at it as my bridesmaids having "duties" — I really just wanted them there because I love them, and their only "duty" was to have a great time with me on the happiest day of my life. The fact that they were all willing to wear matching dresses and throw me a great shower and bachelorette was icing on the cake. Just my two cents 🙂

Post # 10
Member
2404 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i’ve been in a few weddings too where the bride bought us all the same make-up and wanted us to all wear our hair the same..etc. i seemed to be ok with it, but i know a few of the other bridesmaids hated having to wear their hair a way they weren’t comfortable with (which i totally understand!).

perhaps it also depends on how close you are with your bridesmaids and knowing that they wouldn’t think you were asking too much of them.

Post # 11
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Same hair and makeup is too much to ask for. Why would you want them to all look the same anyway?

Post # 12
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’ve been in several weddings, ranging from the bridezilla’s to the more relaxed, laid back bride. As several people have posted, not every one looks good with the same exact makeup/dress/hairstyle. Plus, if you force people to have the same of everything and they are not comfortable, they won’t have the best time. Not to say they won’t enjoy the day, but they will be uncomfortable.

I think you can ask they keep within certain parameters, ie I asked my BM to get the same colored dress, but whatever style makes them comfortable and black shoes-don’t care. If you want them all to have their hair up and done professionally, I think you should offer to pay for that. I’ve had brides give gift certificates to the salon we were going to as a gift so we didn’t have to pay for our hair. As far as makeup, I hate getting mine done and was not thrilled when I was asked to pay for it as part of a friends wedding. I understand when you say yes to being a bridesmaid, you are understanding there are costs involved, but I think brides get a little carried away. Remember they are paying for a dress and shoes (and no, they probably won’t wear them again!) and helping with a bachelorette party, shower gift and wedding gift(s). It is your day, but everyone will be focused on you and your new husband, not what hairsyle the bridesmaids are wearing. 

Post # 13
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

As someone who has been a BM many times, I hated the ‘requirements.’  It’s bad enough to have to wear a dress you don’t like/does not flatter you/is physically uncomfortable, but to be told what shoes to wear was nearly impossible for me (I have a high arch and wide foot that makes strappy sandals an impossibility).

I was recently watching Glamour’s Wedding Dos and Don’ts, and matchy-matchy bridesmaids was considered a DON’T!  There was a montage of BMs looking like they were clones of the MOH and it was mockery.

As Mrs. Cupcake mentioned-  nobody (probably not even you in a couple of years) will be able to describe the BMs shoes!

Just give them rough guidelines:  natural makeup, brown shoes, understated hair- and leave it at that.

My advice would be to let it go.  You have enough to plan without worrying about BMs hair and shoes- and they will be grateful that they can express a little of their individuality.

Post # 15
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

"I think making general style suggestions such as "natural make up" or "up do" is fair, but specifying exactly how both should be done is not."

I agree with bridey and everyone else — whether or not this is a reasonable request kind of depends on how "similar" you want things to be. General guidelines are fine (and your ladies will probably appreciate some hints about how you’d like them to look on the big day!) but I do think it would be unreasonable to say "everyone must do their hair in a French twist and wear the exact same shades of eyeshadow and lipstick."  Makeup and hair are so personal, I think it is best to let your girls decide what flatters them most. Identical shoes are fine, I think, so long as they’re not super-expensive (I’d say $50 max, so no one ends up spending a ton of money on uncomfortable shoes they can’t wear after the ceremony). 

Also, I think it’s really important to be conscientious of your bridesmaids’ pocketbooks!  I was in a wedding where the bride signed us all up for mani-pedis, updos, and professional makeup, to the tune of about $250 in beauty treatments, and many of us just couldn’t afford that on top of what we’d already paid for dress/travel/bachelorette etc.  Happily she was cool about it when some of us decided not to wear our hair up and to do our own makeup. 

Post # 16
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’ve been in the bride and more recently the bridesmaid position in this. As a bride I gave some general guidelines because to me it was infinately more important to me to be surrounded by the people I love on that day than to ask people to do something uncomfortable. And I had a wonderful time that day.

As a bridesmaid now I’m finding some serious financial burden that is getting tossed on me a little more each month with the final straw being $200 of hair and make up that I simply did not budget for. I will not go into debt to be in a wedding. If how much I can afford is a measure of how great my friendship is then I don’t really need that. So what I would suggest so you don’t have bridesmaids like me who got into this to support their friend be mindful of expenses and what exactly you want them to pay for. And be mindful that no everyone looks good with the same style or make up etc. Or shoes. 

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