Post # 1
Ok so I have been married for little over 3 months and this is already an issue with both our families. They both seem to think it is all up to us to make plans to see them if we want to hang out. My parents invited us to dinner at their house once, and my husband’s family hasn’t invited us at all (they used to very regularly while we were dating, but not once since we’ve been married). In-laws did invite themselves over once, while I invited my family over for dinner once and they couldn’t come. We regularly go out to eat with my parents, but DH’s parents never eat out so really, it’s either going to their house or coming to ours. We have 3 pets so our house isn’t always the cleanest, and plus we still have tons of boxes laying around from moving in, and we don’t even have a dining room table (just a kitchen table for 4 people, we need at least 6 if we’re all going to sit and eat together.) So I really don’t feel comfortable having people over yet all the time, as things just aren’t ready and our home doesn’t look like it should (still painting as well and trying to decorate). DH’s family has made several comments about not seeing us much, but they have not invited us over at all. DH told his Dad that we will come over whenever they invite us, let’s just plan a night while he responded that we could come any night. I don’t feel comfortable just going over to someone’s house uninvited. I don’t care if they serve us dinner or not, but his family has other things to do and several times we did mention coming over, they were busy. So to me it makes the most sense for them to ask us whenever they are not busy. As far as my parents, my mom thinks it’s “intruding” on our new life together if they invite us anywhere. So this lays the burden of seeing both of our families on us, and I just don’t think that’s fair! We are all adults so why is it up to us to ask to see them? Thoughts?
Post # 2
This seems like it could be fixed with five minutes of communication.
It’s nice that your mother is being considerate of your new marriage and making sure not to demand too much of your time. Next time it comes up, just tell her that she doesn’t have to take it quite so far. Give a specific number: “We’d be happy to see you every week/every two weeks/whatever, so don’t feel like you have to leave us alone all the time!”
Similarly, next time the conversation comes up with your inlaws, and your father-in-law says that you can go over any night, DH should follow up right then and there to schedule a specific night. Done.
Post # 3
Agree with pp. Also, proclaiming “It’s not fair!” Does nothing to boost your credibility that you are in fact an adult.
They are probably just being considerate of you getting settled into new life. In fact your mom even said as much. So did you say anything after to correct her of this notion? I mean, this is easily settled by a short conversation. “Hey, we appreciate the space but it isn’t necessary. Just cause we’re married doesn’t mean we don’t like spending time with you. We miss hanging out with you guys and being included.”
Post # 4
BookishBee : Well we see my family pretty often, I see her every day on my lunch break since the house is close to my office, and DH & I see them 1-2x a week beyond that. But somehow my mother doesn’t think this is enough and complains that I *never* spend time with them, and then says how it’s not their job to invite us over, it should be up to me. And then quotes that silly reason. I know it sounded nice how I put it, but in reality she hasn’t been too nice about it 🙂
As far as my in-laws, I told DH when his father texted him that we could go over that night and see them. His response was that he didn’t feel like it. He is not overly close to his family and doesn’t really care if he sees them or not I guess, but it makes me feel bad and also makes me feel like they probably think it’s my fault that we don’t.
Post # 5
My parents live on the other side of the country so we visit once a year and vice versa… His mom lives 20 min away and I invite myself over a few times a month (by myself)… He never wants to go and her house is nicer plus my dog loves playing with her 4 dogs… They are family so IMO you don’t need an invitation, just call first.
Post # 6
beeee2017 : So after your latest update, this doesn’t sound like a real problem after all. You see your mom every day at lunch time PLUS another one or two times a week. That is PLENTY. If she complains that this isn’t enough, she’s nuts. Can you give more details about the “1-2x a week beyond that” though? What kind of visits are these and who is doing the inviting?
Regarding your husband’s family, it’s not your place to fix or change his relationship with his parents. If they start being pissy with you because they think you’re keeping him from them, then I would address that with your husband. But otherwise, if he doesn’t want to see them that often I wouldn’t push it or feel bad about it.