Post # 1
My husband and I have been married for 2 months now and already we have people pressuring us to have kids. I will be 27 next month and I honestly don’t want kids until I am 30 (possibly sooner, but definitely not next year.) I just really need a break from children (I am the oldest of 5 so I pretty much spent my whole life babysitting.) People my age are always telling me that I won’t be able to have healthy kids if I don’t have them now and it scares me. It also makes me upset at them because I want to have my stuff together before I have children. (I have terrible road rage that I need to get over and anxiety I want to work through before being my future childrens’ role model. I want the best for them.) I am still in college and I want to be done with it before children. Also, I have really bad insomnia so I sleep in…a lot, and currently I don’t want to sacrifice it. (I know I will miss it once I have kids!) Also, I am not a kid person. Children make me nervous and I don’t know how to talk to them. I dread being around a friend with a new baby because I never want to hold them. I am not scared of them, I just feel like I am not very maternal with other people’s kids. (Although I have a 17 year age difference between my youngest sibling and I and I feel like a mother to all of them honestly. I make sure they always use their manners, that they understand their homework, that they are wearing sunscreen, that they are eating healthy, and I am always encouraging them, telling them how smart and special they are, and also I listen to their stories and let them know they are important. It is easy with them, because they are my blood and that is how I know I can be a good mom one day.) BUT the sheer thought of being a mother right now terrifies me. I am not ready to give up my freedom. I am sick of people trying to pressure me and my husband. I wish they would just back off and stop telling me that I can’t have healthy children if I wait any longer. I even told my OB/GYN that I didn’t want kids until I was 30 and she told me that there was nothing wrong with that and that I was making a good decision. Why are there so many negative people out there urging us to have kids immediately? Why is it so wrong of us to want them before we try for them? Were any of you happy to have children later in life? I think waiting until we are ready is the best decision for us, what is so bad about that?
Post # 2
Just to give you an idea of how absurd people can be about this subject and how little you should listen to them, I’m 23 and some people preassure ME to have kids. People exaggerate the dangers of having children later in life (and 30 isn’t late for god’s sake). My mother had me when she was 35 and my brother when she was 40 and we turned out fine. We grew up in a loving enviroment, because she was READY. Also, we live in the 21st century, of course you will be able to have healthy children when you are 30!! Μy great-grandmother had her first child when she was 34 and had 5 healthy children. And there was no freakin’ doctor around. Chill out.
Post # 3
Because unforunately today’s society still values a woman’s worth by having kids.
Have kids if and when you feel ready for them or don’t have any at all. Next time someone says something say something equally as rude back like “So when are you going to stop having kids already”.
Post # 4
You need to tell them all to STFU. They are just plain lying that you can’t have a healthy baby past 30… That’s literally nonsense. I would shut the commenters down. All of your reasons sound totally valid and Im not jonesing for a baby for a few years either.
when are you going to have a baby? “We’re in no rush”
you can’t have a healthy baby later “that’s nonsense. Literally nonsense”
Post # 5
Oh I know all about that…. :S It’s even worse when you’re TTC and people are telling you to ”get on and have children” as if you weren’t trying to already.. Some people seem to think that it’s a question of just snapping your fingers and suddenly being 5 months pregnant..
Post # 6
futureluckymrs: I’m 29 and right there with you! I couldn’t imagine having kids myself any younger than 30…I see myself being a mother one day but value financial security and stability and don’t want to make life that much harder by racing into it just because “I can.” I know I’ll be able to enjoy my children a million times more without the added stress from lack of finances. “Over prepare and then go with the flow.”
Post # 7
Keep strong! I completely understand!! My parents were older (mid 30s) when they had me, which was rare for the time, and I love it. They also were able to travel so much and solidify their friendship and are still the happiest couple I know. We were able to become really close and they had the time and patience for me! It’s great. And now they seem so young for their age compared to friends with older kids. I am such a pro-wait type of person.
I’ve hypothesized that people want you to have kids because either they want to play with them (grandparents, aunts) or thats what they did and it worked for them. I am not sure if you’re asking for advice on how to divert questions, but you could maybe say something like “We’re really enjoying our time together, and want to make sure we’d have the patience to devote to someone else. This is a decision we are taking very seriously”. Not that you owe anybody and explanation, but maybe they’d back off of you over-emphasized the WE ARE GETTING TO IT!! part lol
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2013 - Ontario, Canada
futureluckymrs: I agree with PP that is’s absolutely insane that people are preassuring you. I can tell yuo that I was far from ready to have kids at 27. My DH and I are now expecting out first child and I am 35 and he is 40. We got pregnant stright away and I have had no complications at all, so far our little bub is as healthy as can be and am now 10 weeks away from giving birth. I have several friends who has had their first at 38 and had very healthy babies – heck here in London, UK (and in many large cities in Europe) most women coming in to give birth to their first child is in their 40’s these days!
Also, it is worth noting that the data they have built the “womens fertility drops at 35” on is from the 1800 as, since contraception was introduced, they can’t get a fully accurate read on how fertile women are these days as most of us are on the pill until we decide to TTC. So, personally I think it’s a horrible way of stressing women out for no real reason.
Post # 9
I am 25; I’m getting similar pressure from friends and family. I also don’t want kids for the next 5 years or so. They’re not even on my radar right now. Friends and family think that I should be baby crazy now that I’m married and I’m not at all. Just ignore it. People can be assholes.
Post # 10
These posts make me feel a lot better about the decision we have made to wait. I actually have a friend who is 32, she has 3 kids (the oldest is 15) and she told me that she wishes she waited because she said you enjoy being a mother so much more when you are old enough to appreciate it, and that comment spoke worlds to me.
I think mainly my problem is that I am worried because of the way people respond when we say we aren’t ready (by telling me I am doomed to never have them or getting offended that I want to wait because they didn’t) and that people don’t think my justification is good enough for them (not that I need to justify it to them but for some reason I feel like I do.) When people come at me with scare tactics to try and pressure us they really get to me, I just wish I could come back at them with some statistics supporting my claim that waiting is not a bad thing! I want to be a Mom more than anything, I want 3 or 4 kids – but not today, I am not ready. I think another worry may stem from the fact that my mother was 32 when she had my brother and he was fine but when she had my sister at 36 she had an emergency C-section and my little sister has a pervasive development disorder now. (Also, I should note that the my little sister’s umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck before delivery and my mother was also taking an antidepressant during pregnancy which a doctor back then said was safe but they have recently found that it causes Autism.) So perhaps what happened with my little sister is not indicative of my mother being older, but more so due to delivery complications and prescription medication.
Post # 11
I might be a little on the far side of the spectrum. Husband and I are 25, dated for 5 years and just got married two months ago. I’ve been ready for a few months to have children but we’ve decided to wait a few years. Everytime I bring the subject up around my mom that I’m ready, she keeps telling me to wait… Somewhat makes me feel like SHE isn’t ready to be a grandma but oh well! You ultimately have to do whats right for you and your husband!
Post # 12
I think automatically after marrieg people start to pressure. Ignore them and enjoy your first year or so of marriage.
Post # 13
futureluckymrs: I totally understand. You have to brush it off and move on. The more you have it together, the better mom you’ll be. Don’t worry about having kids until you are ready.
Post # 14
- Wedding: December 2014 - The Boatshed Restaurant
Nothing wrong with waiting to be ready! In fact, it’s the most responsible thing to be doing IMO
As you get older, it does become harder to conceive…but an obstetrician’s version of ‘older’ is generally 36+. The risk of Downs syndrome increases with age, under 34 years it’s a steady increase…it’s then a steeper incline over 34 years. These are good areas to be aware of, but as a source of information rather than worry.
Pregnancy in general though can be associated with a number of problems, not necessarily linked to maternal age…I’m sure a woman of 22 could have had a similar outcome as your Mom and sister. That seems more like an unfortunate series of events, rather than linked to maternal age.
If I start getting quizzed on when I’m having children after I get married, I might have a hard time ignoring the probing that follows when I say “not yet”. I’ve been at university for eight years, with one more to go. After then, I’ll have another two as a junior doctor before I can apply for anaesthetics training…by that stage I’ll be 29. Only once I’m in, would I consider getting pregnant. Plus before I bring another person into this world, I’d like to be established in my own home and feel psychologically ready…which I am not at the moment.
With more women achieving higher education qualifications, it’s natural to expect that women will have children later than they have previously. I am also a personal fan of the idea of a house husband…of which FI is incredible at. Yay!
Post # 15
Try telling people you don’t want any children at all. They will look at you like you kicked a puppy.