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I have dealt with being "intimidating" to men my entire life and I understand what you are going through. However, being a strong, confident and powerful is never a bad thing. There are times, though, when we let these characteristics take over and lose touch with our feminine side, which is what men are attracted to. I think there is a nice balance when in a romantic relationship that takes time to find.
When he says "you act/love like a man" what is this in response to?
I am so sorry you are made to feel like being strong is a negative female trait. A man who is secure in himself, his manhood and his relationship would not feel intimidated by you. It seems to me like your SO needs to work on understanding what that means.
my husband and i have a joke and often when i want him to do something i say "you be the man today honey" and hes "ok, i'll be the man today"
i guess i should be thankful that my husband is comfortable with me being the stronger/more driven of the 2 of us but there have been many times that he has stepped up and taken charge when i needed his strength, it keeps us balanced
i think his comments say more about him than you
Never limit yourself or your future because someone is trying to put you down. He really should love you for YOU, and that's a very driven, confident woman.
Isn't that part of the point? Finding someone who loves you for you?
Of course not, this is his problem to deal with. A confident man would be happy that his gf/wife is accomplished. My DH has pushed me to be more amibitious which is part of what I love about him.
I do think that some woman become overly resistent to traditional roles. You can be ambitious/smart and still like to bake. What prompts him to say "You act like a man"?
@Fluffy Mittens: I agree.
Your SO and potential life partner should be the support you need to get through everything that life throws at you including furthering your education and establishing yourself in the working world. If you SO isn't on your side then things are going to be a lot more difficult in the long run than they should be.
I would be considered a stronger female. Some are baffled at my FI's acceptance of my crazy schedule and addiction to volleyball and coaching which is like a second job at this point. It is all about communication and understanding between the two of us. If he wasn't supportive of my dreams and goals then it would make marrying him an impossibility.
I would not spend my life with someone that only saw his way or nothing at all. It is about working together to ensure a life for BOTH parties that is satisfying.
My fi tells me that I am rough around the edges too, but he loves that about me. I know what I want, how I want it and what I need to do to get there. He's funny, he's much more domesticish than I am, so he told me that he would cook and clean, if I would be agreeable to having kids( I'm on the fence). Lol I also think that we should have a partnership where things are more or less equal, and I would not actually settle for Any less.
Sent from my I phone
Do your thing girl! Be a strong, successful, independent woman! This is clearly an issue HE is dealing with. I consider myself a pretty successful woman as well and my fiance loves me that much more because I am so driven. Now, its one thing to shove it in his face that you're doing something positive and he's not (not sure if he is, but you know what I mean). I hope you can encourage and support him to do whatever he wants in life and he should do the same. I personally couldn't tolerate someone negative and couldn't support me and my future endeavors. When my bff graduated nursing school, its like her husband couldn't accept her making more money than he did and they ended up divorcing. Now, of course, that's an exagerrated example but you get the drift. Some men cannot see their women making more money than them. Good luck hun, hope everything works out.
@aliavenue: I understand what you are saying. I guess my dad has taught me to stand on my own two feet so that I don't have to be a damsel in distress all the time. I guess he feels that way when he doesn’t feel needed or when it come to the having kids convo because he feel in certain situations we switch role. I make decisions for us because if I wait on him it will never happen I guess he feels the “head” should do it. I guess it’s a pride thing. I don't call him weak or feminine when we switch roles so why should he call me manly!!
There's nothing wrong with you - but your SO needs a reality check ;)
Im in the process of starting a 5+ year phd that will take us miles away from our home and family. Thank God my husband respects and loves my drive and intelligence, or this would be so much harder. I can only hope for the same support for you from your SO soon, because those are some pretty basic philosophical differences that will make pursuing your dreams or even feeling confortable in your own skin harder.
There are plenty of women who want nothing more then to have kids, clean house, etc. And that's fine, good for them. But I can't figure out why a woman who wants an education and a strong career is getting serious with a guy who wants the first type of woman. You can't change him, and there's nothing wrong with your goals! Why are you with him, and not a guy who appreciates the kind of woman you are?
@MrsVMT: You're just a bit more progressive than he is it sounds like. Some men still think women should vacuum in pearls and have dinner on the table and stay at home and ya da ya da.
In today's society, that's finally becoming not the norm. Some guys are hellbent on sticking to it because they realize women are smarter. ;) I kid, but only sort of.
If he's not going to be comfortable with a less strict adherence to old-timey gender roles then you two need to re-evaluate your relationship's future. He can't go into this thinking he's going to change you or change your mind just because it may be different than what he grew up with.
Nothing is wrong with you.
When I met him I was who I am now I never gave him signs to think otherwise and he accepted that but now all of sudden he's showing me he can't. We have been together for 2 years. I'm not trying to change him, but I don't want to change in that area for him either because that's not who I am.
Personally, I think this is a recipe for disaster.
You both have vastly different approaches to life. These aren't minor little differences that could be solved with compromise, these are SERIOUS chasm wide differences. They are the sort of thing that neither partner should ever be asked to change..
He is allowed to have his view, and should be entitled to live with a woman who wants a traditional life. You have every right to your views and lifestyles, and deserve a partner compatible with this.
It's really his problem, not yours. Be yourself. Do what you want. There is nothing wrong in being strong.
For me this would be a dealbreaker. I don't want children and I am not interested in domestic chores. When I was dating I promply asked if the man wanted children. And if he wanted them, I stopped dating him.
My SO and I split the chores at home and I would not live with a man who would not split chores. I have a good education and I'm intelligent. I would not give all that up for a man. My mother gave up a lot for my father and the example is too frightening. She has no life of her own.
you're absolutely not wrong to be a strong, successful woman, but if your so doesn't respect that...that would be a dealbreaker for me, personally. one of the things I love most about my dh is that he not only accepts my independence and drive, he encourages it. right now he's the one with the higher salary because I'm in grad school, but he's moved with me so I can go to school, and will be willing to go with me wherever I get the best job opportunity when I finish my phd. that doesn't mean I never consider him in mutual decisions--not at all, where we are now was both of our top choices of my options when I was applying for programs, for example. but mutuality and an equal partnership are central to both of our visions of how our relationship should be and the goals we work towards together
@eloping: Hmm. this post really struck a chord for me. I'm the stronger, more driven one by far and one of my fears for my relationship is that my FH won't be able to "be the man" when I need him. He shirks a lot of things, and I let it slide, but if push came to shove I worry that he wont be able to step up and proactively be my advocate.
Hmmm. Who knew reading this post would stir some things for me. Interesting.
OP - there is nothing wrong with being the strong one...go for it - don't leave yourself too many regrats. including your education, before you start a family. 25 is still so young!
I disagree. I don't think he has a problem. He prefers a woman with a more submissive nature. You are not that woman. There is no right or wrong. It is what each person wants out of a relationship.
What is wrong is 2 people preferring completely different things.
Thia post frustrates me. We aren't in the 1950s anymore, and it's 100% acceptable for a woman to go out, get a job, be able to support herself, and be strong, successful, and independent. Marriage should be a partnership, not a control/power-struggle thing, and for him to subtly suggest that you should put your dreams off and be the more submissive wife gives him all the control. If your dream is to get a doctorate, then get a doctorate. Your FI should be on board with your desires to better yourself and continue your education. It's a huge dealbreaker for me when someone tries to challenge or limit my dreams.
I don't think being strong and confident is a turn-off for men; I think it is for your FI, and that shows that there are some things for you to discuss in your relationship. If I was the submissive wife-type (no career aspirations. no drive for education, or shutting down my own dreams because my partner didn't approve), my relationship would have imploded long ago. FI encourages me every single day as I trudge through my grad school work and juggle it with my job. If he didn't, he wouldn't be my FI.
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