Post # 1
Hi Bees! I just wanted to get some feedback here. My FI’s brother and his girlfriend are having their third child. I found this out last night, and I just couldn’t stop crying. I get along well with his brother and the brother’s gf, but I’m not super fond of her. She’s can be very judgmental and has said some really upsetting things to me, but because she’s a part of FI’s family I’ve learnt to just let it go. They got engaged a long time ago, but they had broken up and then gotten back together, but she doesn’t wear her ring and I know she doesn’t really want to get married, even though her fiance does. Anyway, when we got engaged they were supportive, however she did make a snarky comment saying “oh you *effers* we were going to get married next year!” Even though they had never mentioned it, only that they might in maybe three years. She sometimes does things/says things that makes us both think (FI knows) that she thinks she’s better than us. And whenever we do get something nice, she gets something ten times better.
Anyway, I’ve been having a lot of baby fever lately but I know that were not ready to have one just yet, and we wanted to also wait until after the wedding to start TTC. I know that his sister in law (let’s call her C) kind of wanted one more (they have two children now) but I know that FI’s brother (E) doesn’t want anymore at all. So I guess the reason why I’m so upset is…I don’t know. Gosh, sorry bees I’m just all over the place right now. I think a big part of it is that boys run strong in FI’s family, and his parents only have one daughter (FI’s daughter from a previous relationship.) He had a baby girl before, but she sadly passed away shortly after birth. His sister also had a baby girl, but she also passed away shortly after. So I have always wanted a girl, and I was excited for when we start TTC because when we do eventually have a girl it’ll be the second granddaughter that’s still with us today. I guess I’m sad that they’re going to have a girl before us,even though they want a boy, and then his parents won’t be as interested in ours when we have one.
Also, our wedding is next May and I’m worried that his mom will be so busy helping with the baby that she won’t have as much time to help me plan ours. His mom is the only “mom” I have. Mine’s died when I was seven, and even though I was raised by my grandma, I’ve never connected with another woman in the way that I have with his mom.
I know this all sounds really stupid and petty, and I may get a lot of negative comments, but I had to get this out. Everytime I think about it I feel like I’m going to cry. And I’m normally NOT like this AT ALL. Of course I AM happy for them that they’re gonna have a baby, and that will be my niece or nephew and I will love it, but for now I’m deeply deeply sad and I can’t shake the feeling. Thanks for listening 🙂
Post # 3
@alohapanda: First, if you’re getting married in May why is your wedding date August 31? Either way the baby will be old enough where your FMIL won’t dote on it so much. Besides, I think the birth of a baby is way more important than wedding, personally.
That aside, just plan your wedding. You don’t need your FMIL to help plan your wedding. You plan it with your FI and your bridesmaids, if you have any and if they are willing to help.
Post # 4
We recently changed our date to May. Well were still on the fence, but I would rather have a spring/summer wedding because were getting married on the beach. The reason why I was nevous about my FMIL is because of what I said, about how close we are, and also she had volunteered to help me and was excited about helping me plan. However, that is very true, the birth of a baby is more important.
Post # 5
You always have the right to feel whatever emotions you feel. What you have to be careful about is whether you express those emotions to others. I think it is totally normal to be jealous of those that are pregnant when you want to be pregnant but aren’t. That’s how jealously works. But I would absolutely advise against saying anything about this to any of your fiance’s family as it will likely come off bad. Recognize your jealousy and then you just have to get over it. Her having a child has no bearing whatsoever on you having a child. Children will be welcomes whatever their gender whether their the first or tenth grandchild. And I would try to put a nix on worries about your FMIL being occupied with the baby instead of the wedding. Think about if it was reversed and it was you that was pregnant! And I’m sure your FMIL is capable of being excited for both events.
You’re not stupid or mean or a bad person. You’re just reacting to jealousy. Nothing wrong with that or with sharing that on the boards. But you need to get it under control so that it doesn’t beocme apparent to your FILs. So think about how nice it will be to have another niece or nephew and congratulate everyone profusely and absolutely do not turn it into an attention competition of baby vs wedding. It’s like anything else. It hits you hardest at first. I think it will get easier for you to be happy for your SIL with some time. Just keep it together until that point.
Post # 6
@JenGirl: Thank you soso much for this! I really needed that. I agree about never letting them know I’m jealous, and I definitely wouldn’t ever say anything. I’m trying to be okay with it and then I’m going to call them or send them a text to congradulate them! But right now everytime I try to I feel sad again.
Post # 7
Babyfever combined with prewedding stress will get your emotions all over the place. Refocus, you are thinking about this to long. You want a baby and they are having one, you are afraid they will steal your thunder somehow (either at your wedding or when you have a baby). Just dismiss all the other things, those are other peoples worries.
I totally get it, I would love another child but my SO doesn’t. My sister is pregnant right now. I cried when she announced it, got really cranky when I first saw her finished babyroom. But never when I was with her, I only expressed my happiness. And with my SO I cry and be angry 🙂
It’s okay to feel this way, cry for a bit, talk to your fiance and then let go. And focus on your wedding! It will be a fun day full of love and your FMIL will love your wedding.
Post # 8
If you are that connected with his mother than i dont think she will ignore you or your child. i have a rocky relationship with my FI’s brothers wife.. we started out friends but ended up in what i felt like a compition. she got pregnant within months of their relationship. and they ended up with 3 weddings. in which everyone helped out. my FI said he wanted to wait till ALL theyre wedding we done before he asked me. his girlfriend of seven years. (not to mention how much everyone showed how sorry they felt for me at all her weddings cuz he didnt ask me yet) i didnt even feel bad about it untill i got so much “ohh dont worry you will be next or dont feel bad.” i wish he didnt wait till all of them were done but it is what it is. he wanted them to have their lime light. sweet. the story goes on and on.the compitition continues. what ever i want she has to go and get. i want to learn how to play guiter now she has to…before me. i wanted a my friend deer. she went behind my back when i couldnt go due to work and got hers. i dont think it will ever end. she acts like we are great friends but then does all this other stuff. like purposly excluding me from the family sport team. you mention it to her she has no idea what youre talking about.
but now it seems like everyone is stand off ish about helping out with my wedding. like theyre sick of weddings or something. idk
but my advice is to just try to get over it and focus on the two of you. dont count on anyone too hard cuz you will prob get disapointed. try to kill her with kindness cuz i just dont know if her compitition is ever going to stop. like the step sister you never had:) You gotta hope that one day she might change. And be happy that you found the love of your life and try not to let anyone spoil it for you guys.
i try not to let her rile me up or suck me into the chick drama. i hope you do the same but its easier said than done.
Post # 9
Well you can’t help how you feel. It’s what you do about it that matters. For what it’s worth- I had the first granddaughter on my husband’s side. My MIL still favors her younger granddaughter- husband’s sisters kid. You just never know.
Post # 10
I have serious issues with my BIL and his wife, as well. Honestly, I’ve been struggling so hard that I feel that I could benefit from therapy. The best advice I can give you is to not let these feelings consume your life. At least you clearly have the better relationship with your MIL and it doesn’t look like your FBIL’s wife is threatening that. My BIL’s wife coming into the picture has damaged my relationship with my MIL, and I am close to my MIL like you are to yours. Don’t worry, it’s not like this is their first grandchild or something. Usually, they chill out after the first one. So, they won’t ignore your wedding!