Post # 1
I was having a discussion with my BF last night because we have been looking at rings lately, and it brought this question to mind…
In my case, my BF and I are from different countries. In his country, I would say the vast majority of women are given very, VERY small diamond engagment rings….I’m talking maybe .25 carat, simple bands. Most of his friends, brothers, etc., probably only paid about $200-$300 for their wives engagment rings.
Of course, me being from the US, I am used to hearing the “two months salary” rule. Most people I know have 1 – 1.5 carat diamond rings and/or rings that probably cost between $2,000 and $5,000 dollars.
So, clearly, my BF and I have very different ideas of what an engagment ring should be. I was explaining to him the idea I always had in my head of an engagment ring and how much of a budget he should probably anticipate to spend on a ring (he asked my opinion on this originally bc he had no idea how much one spends on a ring). I should make it known that his financial situation is very comfortable, with lots of savings, and he could easily afford a $2,000 ring.
I had showed my bf some of the styles I liked…..8-1 ct diamonds…even showing him some gemstone/sapphire rings that were lower in price than a diamond, although still around $2,000….which I felt was reasonable. But then I felt WRONG, like I was terrible for telling my bf how much to spend on my ring. He even said he felt like we were getting “too materialistic” and he said “why should it matter…it’s just a symbol of my commitment” etc etc. Which I completely agree with. It SHOULDN’T matter! So why do I find myself caring about it? I tried to explain to him that it is something I would wear every day for the rest of my life….and how I really own NO nice jewelry whatsoever so this would be my one luxury piece of jewelry that I would have forever and cherish…and so for me it was important it be a really nice piece that I love. I can completely see his point of view and agree with it, but at the same time, it’s hard for me to imagine wearing such a tiny ring….I have a few of those I’ve bought for myself over the years and I just have this idea that I want it to be something special and above average. I don’t think friends would judge me for having a small ring, but I can’t help but feel like maybe I’m not worth as much to him – he’s spent more than $1,000 on a TV…isn’t it worth it to buy me something at least as expensive that I will wear forever as what you spend on a TV?! I don’t know….I hope I don’t get flamed for this – bc I do feel guilty and materialistic for being this way and telling him my “specifications”…I told him in the end it is up to him and I am sure I will love it no matter what, but I just have these notions in my head I can’t seem to get rid of….. can anyone identify with me or am I totally crazy here?
Post # 3
Personally, I’d like to hear he found a nice ring for far less 😛
I don’t think it’s wrong to be honest about what you like/want, as long as the cost of the ring isn’t the main focus… he could find a really, really beautiful ring that you’d love, but be worried if you discovred the cost you’d be mad at him. As long as he gives it to you with his heart, that’s what matters, and I think you know that… there is nothing wrong with you saying anything about preferred colors/gemstones, again, as long as the cost isn’t the value of the ring for you. 🙂
I’ve never even looked at rings with my SO, because he feels it’s tacky (or just an excuse to dodge doing it – sorry, not a good day for me). I know what I’d like, and a top-to-bottom price range would go from about $200 – $2000, from diamonds, to my far cheaper birthstone, to even the moissanite or lab created stones (only one preference – No CZ – I’ve read it’ll be brittle and break – hardly the symbol of lsting commitment) jsut to save on costs. Heck, my SO”s grandmother has offered me a set of her rings (I don’t know if he’s aware) somehow thinking I’M the one to tell – it’s so sweet, but sooo aggravating.
Don’t feel too bad about telling him what you think is within the traditions of your country’s culture – he asked. Just make sure to let it go – you’ve said your piece – it’s now up to him.
Post # 4
I think every girl dreams of a big engagement ring, the difficulty here is difference in culture. i think most (american) men try to accomidate the womans wants while still staying in budget or even splurging a little bit to get the bigger stone. I know everyone says its not about the size its about the meaning but i would be lying if i said i wouldnt be a little dissappointed if i got a smaller engagement ring (knowing my FI’s financial situation) luckily he did an AMAZING job! we went and looked at rings once..at this store in a mall i tried on one ring that i loooved it was $22k! what?! why would i even put that thing on…so after that we didnt look around anywhere else but i showed him a few pictures and he completely shocked me when he proposed, it was exactly what i wanted except more! but i like to say he picked it out because i really breiefly showed him pictures of a few that i liked..
My point is that you may be really surprised by what he decides to do…i would just keep throwing pictures in his face of kinds you like…hopefully he will pick up on the hint.
Post # 5
I don’t think you should feel bad for being honest with him, but my suggestion is for you to both go to several jewelry stores and try a few on; both in his range of thinking and in your range of thinking. You may find that you love his range of thinking more or he may find that your range of thinking is better. Or maybe something inbetween the two would be nice. You can’t really tell what you would actually like, until you actually try it on.
Post # 6
it’s better to spend more on a ring if he has the financial means. you dont want to regret it just because his relatives or something has small rings.
u’re in america, so you should get an american size ring =)
dont feel bad because he can afford it. $2k-$5 is not much for a quality diamond ring, he lucked out you didn’t pick a $10k ring
Post # 7
@totheislnds: The first store DH and I went into, the woman put a $40k ring on my finger. I was like “this is pretty” and then I looked at the price tag and had to laugh because there was no way we were spending that much on a ring.
Post # 8
I don’t think you are crazy 🙂 or materialistic.
I think it’s perfectly normal to express to your BF what you’d envisioned for and e-ring… it’s the same thing as you hearing him out about what an e-ring means to him.
He may go either route with the ring – the real question is – if he does propose with a tiny stone, will it really matter in the end…..
Post # 9
Nope! As long as you dont look down on others’ rings, he can afford it, and you care about the relationship/marriage more. We women are always taking a back seat and not saying what we want. if you want a big diamond, scream it loud and be proud!
Sorry, Im on a crazy woman power streak this week.
Post # 10
I don’t think materialistic is really the right word… it seems like mostly you want something that is significant, well-made, and lasting and you want him to be as comfortable spending money on one special piece of jewelry for you as he feels buying other nice things. I do think the focus on cost can be destructive, though. The two months salary is a marketing scheme, wanting something that fits in with what you envision as an engagement ring is genuine.
I think the other thing to remember is that it depends on the couple. Some guys really are not comfortable spending money on an engagement ring – I know my fiance would never in a million years buy me an expensive diamond. It was either heirloom or non-diamond stone, which was what I wanted anyway. Maybe there is something that feels distasteful to him about large rings – that they’re showing off or commodifying engagement. It sounds like his wanting to get something small and inexpensive has more to do with his cultural traditions and comfort level than with how he values you or what he can afford to spend. Which is fine.
Just like it’s fine for you to want something a little more significant. I think you should explain your reasoning to him and be ready to listen to his reasoning in response. Make the decision about finding a compromise between your desires and your cultures and not just about the price tag on the ring.
Post # 11
I think it’s fine. My FI asked me what I wanted and I told him. I had an ideal size range, ring shape, etc and I knew he could easily afford it without going into debt.
If we were in a situation where he had to go into debt for my dream ring, I never would have wanted him to buy it. But since money was not the issue, I let him know what I wanted and he really cared about diamond quality so he made sure that he got high quality in the size range I liked.
He really spoiled me with the ring he picked.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t feel too bad about it. We live in a society where we are trained to believe bigger is better and diamonds are no exception.
Before getting engaged I showed my then BF some general types of rings i would like, more on the style of the setting or cut of diamond, i actually paid NO attention to the size of the diamond when hinting to him, I really wasn’t thinking about it.
Then after he proposed, I loved the ring, but to be honest it was smaller than I expected (even though i hadn’t really thought of the size I guess i had this unknown expectation in my mind). I kind of felt the same as you, FI had spent so much money on a fancy tv at least he would spend that much on me??? Before I had a ring i didn’t notice anyone else’s rings, now i do – ok well i do less now than when I was originally engaged.
You just have to think about why he gave you that ring. I look at my grandma’s ring, which is smaller than mine but she has been married 50+ years, in the end it doesn’t matter how big the rock is, that is not what the basis of the relationship is.
I figure if it’s still important to me on our 5 or 10 year anniversary we can upgrade, but who knows, i will probably not care at all by that point and would rather focus the cash on a house or kids 🙂
Post # 13
You’re not crazy and you guys both have good points. I don’t think either of you are wrong or inconsiderate in this ‘debate’, you both are just approaching it differently. So as long as you guys can both discuss it without starting to think it shows some deep personality flaw I think it’s good you’re discussing it.
Sometimes ring prices jump dramatically when you hit 1 carat, so you could look just a bit under and get the same effect for less price. And please don’t compare yourself to a TV, you’re worth a lot more than that to him whether he spends a lot on a ring or not.
Post # 14
I look at my grandma’s ring, which is smaller than mine but she has been married 50+ years, in the end it doesn’t matter how big the rock is, that is not what the basis of the relationship is.
Nicely said. 🙂 I have a friend who is going onto her 12 anniversary this December, and I could swear I heard her talking about how she’d never want to “upgrade” even if they were able to afford it – it’s HER ring, he gave it to her and she loves it for that fact. 🙂 That said, I think there’s nothing wrong with a nice eternity band after 10+ years of marriage
Post # 15
I found my dream ring for 2,500.00 and i thought that was too much!!! searched around and found the EXACT same ring for much less…
Its the thought that counts…not the $$$$$
Post # 16
@maggierose: You only “care” about it because Debeers brainwashed you into thinking it should be two months salary. That’s crazy. He should get what he can afford or be prepared to wait while he saves up.
I’m shallow, I admit, and I wanted something blingy, but I hate the diamond industry (although diamonds are pretty, it makes me sick that women are brainwashed into thinking it’s the only stone that’s worthy of being an engagement ring.)
After months of research, we have gone with moissanite. We don’t have to take out a loan or get a store credit card. We don’t go into debt and I get my bling.