Post # 1
I’m trying to work out my guest list, and there’s just one friend that I can’t decide if I should invite or not. There are valid reasons to justify either decision, and my FI says he will be ok with whatever I decide.
Here’s a bit of the back story:
She’s been living elsewhere for a year and a half, just got home, and didn’t bother to tell me. I found out on Facebook. She’s going through a divorce and I’ve been trying my best to support her. Waking up at 2am to her texts and comforting her, boosting her confidence, supporting her however I could. So when she came home and didn’t tell me, that hurt. I let it go and tried to make plans to see her but she blew me off twice. Once on what was supposed to be my birthday lunch. I didn’t even get a half assed excuse either – she just disappeared. We’ve been friends for a long time, and at one point we were so close that I thought she’d be a bridesmaid. While she was away we talked all the time, but she’s been home almost three months now and I haven’t seen her. She doesn’t even know my FI.
While she was away we got really close, but it seems like the better my life got the more she pulled away. I understand that going through a messy divorce could make it difficult to watch your formerly single friend find love, but a good friend would see past that right?
I’m just not sure if I should invite her to my wedding. Right now I don’t want her there, but not inviting her is something you can’t come back from. I just need some impartial advice. Would it be terrible of me not to invite her?
Post # 2
If she is someone you would like to see in your future (and you have thr space), I would invite her. If you don’t that will continue to put a wedge between you two. Plus, maybe this will help her get out of her whole.
As far as her hurting your feelings, have you talked to her about it? If not I think you should. Just say something like “I know you’re going through a lot right now but I need to let you know how I’m feeling. I’m so glad we are friends, I really treasured how we grew closer even though distance wise we were further apart but it hurt me that you didn’t tell me that you moved back. It also hurt that you canceled our plans twice. I want to enjoy time with my friend!”
Whatever you decide good luck!
Post # 3
LMac499: No one is ever entitled to an invitation, unless of course you have already invited them, sent them a save the date, or invited them to your shower.
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
Obviously it’s your decision. From what you said though, I wouldn’t invite her. You’ve been there for her, or at least you tried. And she can’t even meet you for lunch or tell you she’s back in the area? Relationships aren’t one-sided. They can’t be, unless you like being the one to get hurt. I mean I guess you could invite her as a last effort to maintain the friendship.
Post # 5
it sounds like you want justification for not inviting her. which is perfectly fine.
but if you do want her there and have the space, then invite her.
many people need to cut guest lists due to budget constraints.
Post # 6
If you think you may still want to be friends, ever, you should invite her. She can always decline. You will have done the right thing by her and the friendship ball will then be in her court.
Post # 7
LMac499: One time, I went through a break up that was so devastating, I dropped down to 114 pounds (I’m 5’7) from lack of eating and neurotic need to workout as a means to distract me from the chronic pain of having a shattered heart. I didn’t get more than 4 hours of sleep a night for over two months. I was an emotional wreck. It took a long time to get over it. But I did. And one of the things I did was drop everyone I knew from that past life for no reason other than to hide.
Point being, I was a weirdo for a little bit. I needed space. I needed to not have everyone ask me if I was ok or pretend like I was when clearly I wasn’t. I just wanted to run away, so I did. It was selfish and self-preservation at the same time.
So I get your friend, why she is dipping out, acting weird, avoiding people for no logical reason. My advise, be there. On the peripheries if you must. But be there. Some people are like the planets- they just need to hide from the light now and then. When she comes back around, talk to her about it, but be compassionate and ready to forgive. If you are really as good a friend as you think you are, you will get her need to crawl under a rock and hide for a little bit. And you will be there waiting when she returns.
Post # 8
my interpretation is she is going through a hard time and pulling away. lots of people do that. However, if you interpret this as a slight instead of a temporary situation, you will permanently ruin the relationship. invite her to the wedding. cut her some slack, she’s going through a hard time.
she texts you at 2 Am and you respond. That is a good friend who deserves to be in your wedding, temporary (explanable) slights aside.
Post # 9
LMac499: This sounds like a friend of mine who I did end up inviting to my wedding. And she actually declined. To go to an air show. A fucking air show that happens every year.
She blew me off on my birthday a year ago and always broke our plans. So I’m kind of happy she declined.
Plus, we both went to a classmate’s wedding (we all met in grad school) and she didn’t give a gift. Not that you have to, but it’s pretty shitty to eat someones catered meal and drink their booze and not even give them a card.
I say invite her, because she’ll probably throw it in your face. Just keep your fingers crossed that she doesn’t come (by the sounds of it, I doubt she will).
Post # 10
I guess there’s a lot more to consider here than I originally thought. The thing is, I get that shes going through something terrible, and I never pushed talking about it if she didn’t want to. Originally, I think she was happy we were both single and now that I’m not, she’s pulling back. I have considered inviting her in hopes that she wouldn’t come, because not inviting her is as much of a slap in the face as me finding out she was home (after nearly two years) on Facebook. But at the same time, shes made some hurtful comments comparing my relationship to her marriage.
Who knew guest lists would be this hard?
Post # 11
LMac499: Um stop thinking about this as a guest list issue and more of a human issue. Before you pick her worthiness as a guest, go seek her out and talk to her. Hash it out, have a fight, whatever. But don’t be so passive as to figure out your friendship without even consulting her.
Post # 12
coffeedrinker: You’re right. I talked to her and now I know everything I need to know. She has no interest in maintaining a friendship, so that answers my question for me.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Don’t be a fair-weather friend! Invite her to your wedding. You don’t know what’s going on with her except that she’s likely in a really difficult emotional state. Give her the benefit of the doubt; hopefully she will come around again.
ETA: just saw the update. That sucks. But better than not knowing.
Post # 14
LMac499: I’m so sorry! You must be hurt. Well better you know now…
Post # 15
LMac499: just saw your update, odd. [this is what I’d written before I saw it: she was so close to you, you (or she) even thought she might be a bridesmaid. she’s going through an awful time now. no reason to not invite her to your wedding. not inviting her sounds like it could be a permanent, friendship ending move. since you have the space and were so close until she’s maybe having an even worse time being embarrassed abt her failed marriage and move back home in the face of your pending blissful nuptials, I’d think you should invite her.]