Post # 1
Ugh. In the last hour or so i have gone from wanting to cry to being very angry to worried. My FBIL started out liking me and approving of the relationship my FI and I have. Having family like my mate is important to me. Well, ever since we got engaged last Feb (wow, 10.5 months ago already!) FI’s younger brother has just been getting more and more rude, sarcastic, mean, and down right nasty. I finally confronted him about it tonight, thinking that he was going through the stages of loss, but is stuck in anger (he and my FI are really close). Nope. FBIL hates me because he feels that I mistreat his brother. His example of this bad behavior? A fight my FI and I got into nearly 2.5 years ago while we were both drunk! A fight which began because my FI got between my brother and I, who were fighting over something we’ve been fighting over for years- his smoking habit. But it wasn’t until we got engaged (well over a year after this fight (which did not last long at all!) that FBIL started coping an additude. FBIL also thinks that my FI is making a huge mistake.
So now I am hurt that his brother disapproves of our relationship to such a rising degree that we can’t even be in the same room without incident. I am Angry that he feels he can make a judgement call on OUR relationship based on a fight so long ago. And I am all “who does he think he is?” because he’s never had a real relationship, so who is he to judge if ours is okay or not? And, mixed up with everything else is the tiny niggling worry that maybe he is right- maybe I am a horrible person who mistreats his brother and I ought to reform my ways.
I have told my FI that I want him to kick his brother out of our wedding party (he is currently a groomsman) because i do NOT want someone who hates me, disrespects me, and disapproves of our relationship standing up as one of our official witnesses on our wedding day- when we are affirming before family and friends how much we love each other. In fact, i don’t want to go over to my FIL’s house anymore because all i want to do is slug FBIL in the nose and he lives there. I feel likes he’s ruined a portion of our wedding, holidays, as well as our usual weekend visits.
P.S. My FI stood up for our relationship with a simple “I disagree with you. I am happy and she does not mistreat me.” and then he grabbed me and we left his parent’s house (where this all took place).
Post # 3
Wow. Yeah, it’s inappropriate for him to still be lingering on a fight two and a half years ago… and I am still pretty sure it’s displaced anger about losing his brother. If he’s never had a real relationship, he probably sees his family has the only thing he’s got. That doesn’t make it right that he is treating you that way, and it’s only hurting his brother.
I think you should definitely take a step back from the situation. If you both ignore him for a few weeks or just put distance between him and you, he may start to see that he was the one being the jerk. What do the FILs think of this?
Also, I’m glad to hear that your FI supported you. HUGS!!! I know it’s hard to hear that, because FI’s MOM said it about me two years ago, but sometimes you have to trust that you wouldn’t have worked out for at least two and a half years if something wasn’t really, truly right–and he wouldn’t have asked you if you two weren’t getting along great now, anyways.
Good luck and best wishes to you, rabbit!!!
Post # 4
Aw that is just horrible! That is really ignorant of his brother. Luckily your FI stood up for you! That says a whole lot right there. Don’t start worrying that you aren’t good enough, obviously your FI seems to think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread! His brother sounds like he’s jealous and trying to come up with reasons to dislike you. You mentioned that they are close and that he hasn’t been in a real relationship. Maybe since the time is getting closer he’s feeling threatened? That is not an excuse, and that is definitely not a reason to be absolutely hurtful like that to you. Don’t have doubts about yourself. Perhaps your FI can speak with him and work something out so you can visit your future inlaws without it being so hostile and uncomfortable for you. You will get through this and your bond with your FI will be so much stronger.
Good Luck, you do not deserve that!
Post # 5
I’m so sorry about this! It is ridiculous that he is so mad at you over one fight that happened so long ago. And the fact that you two can’t even be in the same room without fighting? That is insane. Honestly, I don’t know why he harbored it for that long without saying anything and why he thinks that one fight is make or break for your relationship. It’s not like you two get in fights all the time or anything. I am so glad that your FI supports you because the way his brother is acting is completely stupid! I hope that you two can figure something out and can get him to realize that he is full of it.
Post # 6
I think you need to talk through this with your FI. If FBIL already doesn’t like you, you won’t be able to figure it out with him. It seems like FI understands that his brother’s behavior is inappropriate, so talk to him about what you can do to avoid conflict. I don’t think you should pressure him to kick his brother out of the wedding party, but focus more on changing his attitude. If they are close, I think your FI should be able to help your brother see the truth about you two.
Post # 7
Please bear in mind when reading the comment that follows that I do not have any knowledge of the state of your relationship, or whether or not anything happened during your fight that should have caused concerns, and I hope that my comment is not construed in any way as a criticism of you or your relationship.
There are a couple of separate issues here. Most importantly, what are the root causes of your concerns about how you treat your FI. Did you ever have these feelings before your fight with your FBIL? When you are feeling less stressed, you should analyze your prior experiences with your FI. Were there any instances in which you feel in hindsight that your behavior towards your FI was inappropriate? If so, what were the triggers for those incidents, and have they been resolved? It is entirely possible that these feelings are only a reaction to your FBIL’s actions, but they are worth exploring privately since research has demonstrated that the way that couples treat each other during fights is reflective of their problem solving skills, and likelihood of divorce.
Your FBIL’s behavior is completely inappropriate. If he genuinely has concerns about his brother’s relationship, then he needs to express them privately and quietly to his brother. And then if his brother doesn’t believe him, he needs to back off and quietly support the marriage because if it falls apart his brother will need support.
I have absolutely no idea what happened during your fight 2.5 years ago, and whether or not it should have genuinely raised concerns for your BIL. If one (or both) of you were physically abusive or derogatory to the other, then I can understand the BIL’s concerns even 2.5 years later. But he never should have dealt with his concerns in this fashion, and I am sorry that he treated you like this.
Post # 8
@professorbee- I generally do not feel like I mistreat my FI. Even when we fight and I get pouty, I always aplogise right away and try to talk things out. I guess part of my worry is that I have autism and I have spats where i am difficult to live with and I feel guilty sometimes that I can’t control this aspect of myself (although i try to! Stupid brain chemistry). We don’t have any standing issues. Most of our fights come about because of my poor in person communication skills and difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings in a coherent, linear way. I’m working on it. However, I worry because there is always that thing people say where you can’t see it while you are in it. Sometimes an outside perspective sees things those on the inside do not, so I often find it useful to think about stuff where my first reaction is “NO!” because what if there is a grain of truth in this other person’s opinion?
Our fight 2.5 years ago was over my FI not only putting himself into a verbal fight between my brother and I while we were fighting over his smoking habit (I worry about my bros. health down the road.), but he then proceeded to take my brother’s side. We can both laugh now, but at the time we (a group of 5-7 of us) were two-sheets to the wind drunk. I got upset, raised my voice and eventually stomped off. my now FI caught me about 1/2 block later, we talked it out, and within minutes everything was great (though my brother left pissed at me, but we’re long over that too). It was something that, had we not been drunk, would have been a livly discussion. FBIL was upset at the time, but never mentioned the incident again and it was well over a year before his attitude towards me changed!
@Cinema- I have been trying to be the better person, to step back, to leave when FBIL wants to fight, and to avoid confrontation with him. I am tired of tip-toeing around him when we visit (which can be anywhere from 1-3 days a week!). Thanks for the support! I know my FI loves me, and that is what counts!
@Cheese- greatest thing since sliced bread! Love it! Haha…he might like me even more then that. ;p
@girlwitharing- I hope the brothers can work things out and my FI can get his brother to change his mind.
Post # 9
I really admire the fact that you have overcome so many challenges to have a successful relationship. I understand your concerns about the strain that autism may place on a relationship, but your successfully managing autism also demonstrates how strong your character is, and how hard you are willing to work to overcome obstacles. These are both really important factors in creating a successful marriage. If it ever reaches the point in which you or your FI feel the symptoms of autism are causing strain on your marriage, I think that counseling could be quite beneficial. But for now I wish you all the best of luck in your marriage!
Post # 10
I completely agree that you’re right to be upset with your FBIL. How old is he? If he’s younger than you, it could be a maturity thing, and as he gets older (and especially once he has a girlfriend of his own) he’ll understand better. I think the best thing to do is to have a heart to heart with your fiance, and have your fiance talk with his brother. It is completely inappropriate for your fiance to stand by while your FBIL treats you poorly. It’s great that he stood up for you, so hopefully he can have a chat with his brother.
As for asking your fiance to kick his brother out of the wedding, I would tread really carefully here. I think your fiance should have a talk with his brother, and if his brother can’t be nice to you, then he has grounds to remove him from the wedding. But without a talk between your fiance and his brother, I think it would create more tension to kick him out now. Take your time with that.
Good luck with everything. I think it’s very admirable that you’re working through this, and it sounds like your fiance is on your side, which is great.
Post # 11
I agree about everything posted above.
My only concern is about the action to kick him out of the bridal party… that is.. well I dont know a sticky situation. best wishes, im in a similar boat myself and have no idea how to approach the situation.
Post # 12
You are marrying him not his brother, so who cares what he thinks! Thats why he has never been in a real relationship, he doesnt know what it takes to BUILD a relationship, you go through thick and thin together. Fights and disagreements only make the bond stronger, you learn and grow from one another, dont let any of this ruin what you two have
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
It will only make things worse if you kick him out of the wedding party. Your FI needs to resolve this with his brother, though!
Post # 14
Oh my gosh! That is ridiculous. I think your FI should have a heart to heart convo with your FBIL & tell him that you’re a wonderful woman who he wants to marry, and if you mistreated him, he wouldn’t be marrying you!
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this – sounds like he’s just got jealousy issues of some sort because maybe you’re taking away a piece of his brother or something…
Hope everything works out for the best!
Post # 15
:hugs: I can relate. My FI has a younger brother (he is one of five boys so I guess one had to be the rotten apple) who is a substance abuser and generally a bad, hurtfull, hatefull person. When I first met him I had an unnatural fear of him and even started having nightmares that he attacked me. Even though his behavior did not suggest that he would ever hurt me something inside me read into his sarcastic and mean comments. Even though I felt uncomfortable I did not think it was my place to tell my fiance that I did not want to be aound his brother.
Then his brother was invited to our engagement party and things went down hill. He threatened one of my male cousins, tried to fight a bridesmaid’s boyfriend, and even told my mom nasty things (like “i hate your daughter”). The only thing is he would always do this in a one-on-one situation where no one could witness it. I finally had enough of it by the end of the day and said something to him and he blew off the handle telling me that he hated me and that I said I wanted to “control my fiance like a dog” (which I obviously never said). My father had to grab him and pull him out of our house. That is when everyone realized that he wasn’t only being mean to them but a lot of other guests, just not when his family or friends were around.
From that moment my fiance and I have basically uninvited him to the wedding (with my FIL’s approval) and will not have anything to do with him. I obviously should have listened to my instincts much earlier and I would have saved many of my close friends (and mother!) from being mistreated by him.
My advice is to go with your gut girl. If the thought of seeing him behind your fiance during your wedding is going to make you uncomfortable (scared, sad, stressed, frustrated) it needs to be delt with now. Have a heart to heart with you fiance and find a good solution. If his anger issues surpass being mean to just you (like they did in my case) it may be something that you should talk to the future in-laws about as they might have good advice on how to deal with all of this.
Either way, I understand where you are coming from and I really hope everything works out for the best. Good luck!
Post # 16
@Gator- Wow, i am so sorry things got so nasty with your FMIL! That’s terrible! While something like that has not happened yet, I do worry. FBIL often gets into fighting stances when I am around and takes “fake” swings at me- IE: swings and “misses on purpose.” I though he was just joking around when it started (my brother and I often fake box once in a while), but now I feel certain he really wants to beat the shit out of me. Ugh. My FI says he’ll talk to him and my FILs don’t seem overly concerned. He does not have substance abuse issues (that any of us know of), but he sure acts like it sometimes! I hope your FBIL gets the help he obviously needs and eventually recovers enough to apologize, and mean it, to you, your family, and your friends.
@tammyt112- I don’t think FBIL realizes the work and compromise that goes into a relationship. While his parents have been together 36 years, his mom told me they try to keep all the fights and disagreements behind closed doors, so he’s never seen a big fight, the compromise and apologies, and the forgiveness and growth afterward.
@DecemberBride- FBIL is 25, just turned. However, he is super immature. He lives at home with his parents, has never had a real relationship, and, until recently, never had any ambition or direction in his life (his mom said go to college or get the F out of my house, so he’s going to school). He spends all his free time playing games online and is really anti-social (although now that I know he hates me, perhaps that’s only when I am over visiting?).