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I saw this post on Offbeat Bride. Thoughts, opinions?
Is keeping my ex-husband's last name disrespectful to my fiance?
I think its weird. I mean if the FI is okay I don't want to say its disrespectful because its between them. But, if you were willing to change your name once you should be willing to change it again. I just think it would mean a lot of explaining for the rest of your life.
Voted wrong, I answered the post rather than the poll question.
I guess I don't understand why she wants to retain the name. All I get from the question is that she was too lazy to change it back after the divorce. If it was a professional thing then I get it but other than that why would you want to retain the name of a man you divorced?
Personally, while I know it's a big hassle to change your name on documents and professionally and such... it just seems kind of silly (and maybe even a bit lazy?) to not to at least change back to your maiden name. I know I wouldn't have kept my ex's name as soon as we were divorced, nevermind in to my next marriage!
That said, I guess it's not disrespectful to her FI as long as he's really okay with it...
Wow, that is a difficult situation. On one hand, she chose to keep the name after the divorce and in doing so, she basically made it her own. It's sort of like keeping a maiden name at this point. But on the other hand, I know how disappointed and upset my own DH was when I told him I was keeping my maiden name (hyphenating), and I can't even imagine what a slap in the face it would feel like to him if the name I were keeping were given to me by an ex. I sort of feel like she has the right to whatever name she wants, and at this point in her life, she probably feels like that last name is her own. And keeping or taking the new last name really does not mean anything about her relationship, but I could definitely understand feeling hurt by this. To be honest, she says she kept the first married name out of convenience as much as it feeling like her name at that point; I'd probably change it now for "convenience" -- to not hurt her new husband and to not deal with explaining it for the rest of her life. I am here contrasting "convenience" however that is defined with the idea of sticking to a principle; i.e., taking a stand/keeping your name because of some deeply held belief.
ETA: the article gave the impression that this is causing a problem, but agree with PP that if the new husband is OK with it, then I guess why not?
I can only see keeping a name after a divorce if you have kids with the person- it just makes everything easier! Other than that it seems weird to keep the last name after a divorce- re-marriage or not. I wouldn't think I'd want to be reminded of my ex everytime someone said my name lol.
I don't see why people care about stuff like this. It's really no different than keeping your maiden (single) name.
I actually understand where she's coming from. To her, the last name no longer equals the ex husband in her mind. It's her name now, and it's a big part of who she is and her identity. And ultimately, she should only do what's comfortable for her. I personally probably wouldn't do this in her situation, but I also don't think she should change her name just to appease those friends and relatives around her who don't understand her decision. Whether or not to change one's name upon marriage is a very personal decision that, in the end, has the greatest implications for the person going through the change.
If I were a guy I would be more comfortable with a woman staying with her maden name than keeping and ex husbands name, and choosing not to take mine.. Like why would she want to take her exes, and not take her FI's even though it may be a part of who she is now, what about who she is with her new family etc.
@KatyElle: Like times a million! I mean, it's her name. Who cares what she does with it? It has basically no affect on anyone around her, so why get up-in-arms about someone else's personal decision?
I chose not to take my husband's name because I didn't like the initials. Doesn't mean I don't respect or love him. And also, if my ex husband's last name was something like "Anderson" and my current FI's last name was "Poopenmeister" I'd keep ex's name! Maybe I like the way it sounds better. Maybe it's on everything I own (checks, credit cards, work related stuff, business cards, doctor's files, etc). Maybe I don't feel like uprooting yet another thing in my life after a crazy divorce. You'd think marrying someone would show enough of a commitment to them!
I wouldn't do it. I hate that my son even has my ex's (deadbeat) last name.
I think it would be more proper to go back to a maiden name than to keep another man's family name.
My grandmother did this, and my grandmother was pretty much the most awesome, badass woman who ever lived so it's automatically OK in my book.
In my grandmother's case, she had been married for close to 30 years, had a very successful career, and children with my grandfather's last name, but I suspect she also kept it because she liked it. While I can understand how it would be frustrating to have someone keep a last name from a previous relationship, I also think that after the frustration, pain, and hassle of changing your name only to get divorced, a woman's reaction might be to never deal with that ever again.
Frankly, and it seems like I'm in the minority on this, I think that a man's opinion on what a woman does with her name counts for very little. He can do whatever he wants with his own name, but as long as women are the ones having to go through the pressure and the hassle of a decision (and the inevitable judgment no matter what we do), their fiances and husbands should recognize that it's not their decision.
At first I thought that was a really wierd thing to do. But the more I think about it I can see a bit where she might be coming from. She did say that she married young, so I'm not sure it's fair to say that if she was willing to change her name before she should do it again. People change over the years, and maybe that first bride isn't really the same person as the one who is marrying her current FI. I personally will be taking my FI name because it is important to both of us to be a unified family with the same name, but if it's not important to her and and her FI and she happens to like her name, then why not??
I think in some cases, it's weird.
For example, my friend was only married for a year. She kept is last name. She's now engaged and not sure whether to change her last name to her fiance's. It just doesn't make sense to me....she HATES her ex and has nothing to do with him anymore yet she wants to keep his name?
I have really mixed feelings on this. I'm an encore and had to deal with this issue.
It is a very individual decision. If that is what she wants to do and her fiance is ok with it, then there is nothing "wrong" with it. It might be irregular, but a person's name is really her own choice. The opinions of family members really don't matter.
However, I do think the fiance's feelings should be taken into consideration. I could see the fiance possibly feeling hurt that she was willing to take the ex-husband's name but not his. I could also imagine it being uncomfortable for him to always have that reminder of the ex. Although, ultimately it is her decision, I do feel that a soon-to-be married couple should always take the other person's feelings into consideration when making decisions.
As for me, I am an attorney and practiced for a number of years under my ex-husband's name. Clients, other attorneys, and the courts all knew me by that name. My child has that last name. But I did change to my husband's name when we married. I did not want the constant reminder of my ex, nor did my husband. I also never wanted him to have the feeling that the ex-husband was worth changing names for but he wasn't. Yes, I now have a different last name than my child and I did have to do a lot of paperwork, but it really wasn't that big a deal. Everyone who knew me by my ex-husband's last name has figured out who I am...and has congratulated me on my marriage.
I would think eventually it would become your name, not your ex's name.
That said, I didn't change my name when I married. Our children have my last name as a middle name, and their father's as a last name. When I remarry I will not take my fi name. At this point it would be silly, I didn't take the name of a man I was married to for 22 years, why start changing my name now. And I believe it would disrespect my late husband, and the father of my children.
I'm on my 2nd marriage, and there's no way I was going to keep my ex's last name. Sure, it's more convenient to just keep the last name, but I think it's disrespectful to your current husband. If you made the name change once, then that just means that you have practice to change it the next time - whether that's to change it to your maiden name or to your new husbands name. Just my two cents, though.
I also voted wrong. I think it's strange. It's one thing to keep your maiden name, which I do think is totally fine, but unless there are special circumstances (maybe problems with the mother and kids not having the same last name), I'm not sure why she would keep an ex's last name when remarrying. Then again, it's just a name; different strokes for different folks and all that...
@KatyElle: LOL. I actually had a coworker who had the most lovely last maiden name, and did take her hubs last name that was (I kid you not) very similar to Poopenmeister.
@Entangled: LIKE! I don't even understand why this is anybody's business. Seems the name to her is 'hers' not her ex's. It doesn't bring back memories or anything. If her FI is okay with it, even if he wasn't actually, it IS her name, then she should go ahead and do what makes her happy. He doesn't have to deal with changing his name does he???
I said other - I think only your new husband could decide if that was okay or not.
I know that it's the woman's name etc...but if it's his feelings that are in question then he should be consulted :)
In some cases I understand. If you had children then I could see keeping their last name. I contemplated keeping my own last name, but keeping the ex's does seem a little bit of a stretch, however I don't think it's disrespectful.
DH's feelings: "That's whacked as balls. Totally disrespectful in every way."
I don't understand why this would be an issue. It isn't her ex's name at this point - it is hers. Also, I agree with Entangled that her new partner's wishes shouldn't be the end all be all in this situation.
If there are no children from the marriage I would change my last name. Why would you keep it when you didn't keep the husband? My FI(husband in 17 days) was married previously and his ex-wife kept his name but they don't have any children. So, to me it's pointless!! Now that she found out he's getting married she stopped using his last name. I guess she was holding out hope that they could get back together?
I voted wrong (answered the post title instead of the poll question - I hate when they switch).
Personally, I find it to be disrespectful. And I don't think you can really use the "it's become her name/identity/etc" argument here. The poster was willing to give up her maiden name that had been her identity for 21 years to share a name with her ex but she isn't willing to give up a name she's had for 10 years to share a name with her new husband?? That just sits the wrong way with me.
@Mrs.KMM: Same thing here ... voted wrong .. and I think it's weird and disrespectful to keep the name.
I was Lisa Fxxxx and when I married I became Lisa Sxxx. My ex and I have 2 kids together, and we are still good friends. I have worked at my job as a teacher, as Lisa Sxxx for 6 years. I'm getting married in 2 weeks, and strongly debated keeping Sxxx, or hyphenating it to Sxxx-NewName, because I want to have the same name as my kids in some part, so they don't feel like I've "moved on"; plus it would be easier! However, I talked to them, and they said that they didn't mind me changing it to NewName.
FI and Ex both didn't like the hyphen idea, lol.
I think my family is nuts, so there was never any thought of me going back to Fxxx.
I didn't read the article but I'd like to tell you a little story.
My aunt was married young (20) so she hadn't done anything professional yet with her maiden name. They got divorced when she was 34 and she kept her ex's last name because no one knew her with her maiden name. She then got remarried at 37 and took on her new husband's name. They got divorced when she was 40 and she didn't want his last name anymore (nasty divorce) but she also wasn't going to go back to her maiden name that she hadn't had for 20 years. She called up her 1st ex (they were friendly as they have two children together) and asked if he or his new wife would be offended if she took his name again. They said it was fine and now she has her first husband's last name again! Of course both her children have the same last name. It's strange but it all worked out in the end!
I think it's weird, but I'm old fashioned. I'm a widow and have always used my late husband's name since he died...because it's my name now (I even have a tattoo of it in his honor). However, even before my husband died I knew that if I ever remarried, I would take my new husband's last name. I'm not crazy about my guy's last name in general, neither is he (we've joked about both changing our names to something brand new) but at the end of the day, he's the one I'll be married to and it's his name I will take. I think if her FI is OK with it, he's either very understanding (more than a lot of men) or maybe he just wants to do what she's happy with. I don't know...I still find it weird myself LOL.
I still have the last name of my first marriage. I am still very close to my outlaws and so is my current FI. We are all one big civil/content family. However, I will be changing to my current FI's last name when we get married. In fact I'm dropping my middle name and using my maiden name as the middle and new FI as last. I am kind of sad that I won't share the same last name as my daughter though. I will always have to answer the question when it arises about our differing last names. I had to deal with this as a kid too as I have my biological fathers last name but live with my mom and stepdad (different last name).
A lot of people are saying they think it's weird that she even kept the name in the first place (upon divorce) - I just want to say that until my own divorce started, I felt the same way. But when push comes to shove, you honestly don't know how you would react or feel in this situation until you're in it. I can say this with utter certainty, because despite the fact that I am a tremendously self aware person, I reacted 100% opposite of how I thought would.
When I got married, I didn't really want to change my name, but it meant a LOT to my soon-to-be-exhusband that I take his name. I was very surprised by how quickly I acclimated to having his last name. It isn't about that name being his, it's about that name becoming mine.
Even though we were only married for 6 months (a very short time!) before he left me for another woman (yes, he's an ass), the last name has become a part of me. Going back to my maiden name feels like a step backward, like I would be pretending that this enormous and defining part of my life did not happen.
Will it be awkward to have his name for the rest of my life (unless I remarry)? Yes, of course, because people will still try to use my maiden name, and I'll have to defend my choice, and people will still comment on the ethinic history of my name, and I'll have to explain that it's my married name, not my family name, but that no, I am no longer married. I'm sure there will be other times it will come up. But the fact is that it's my name now, and I've made a personal decision to keep it. I'm already facing judgment from people in my life for that choice, which blows my mind - don't people have anything better to do with their time and energy than to tell someone that a personal choice (which doesn't affect ANYONE but the person making it, since I don't have kids) is the wrong one? Who the hell cares what name I choose to go by, and why do people find it so offensive that I would choose to keep my name?
If I am given the opportunity to love and trust enough to marry again, will I take my new husband's name? Probably, but it's hard to say for sure until I'm in that situation, because life affects you in ways you can't always anticipate.
So in answer to the original question, do I think it's disrespectful of her to keep the name she identifies with? Not unless her fiance has a problem with it, no, and honestly, anyone who gives her trouble about it is a busybody with too much time and too many first world problems on their hands, and could probably use a worthwhile hobby.
My mom, kept my Fathers last name after divorcing and remarrying, but only because she didn't want her and her childrens names to be different. To me a situation like that should be the only reason to not bear your husbands name.
I would like to add that I don't think it's "disrespectful" any more than it's disrespectful that a man isn't expected to change his last name for his wife, but his wife is expected to change her last name for him.
@QuietOne: Love this.
Drop the old name and show your man who is important to you... and it shouldn't be your ex.
I think that if her FI is fine with it, then there is no issue of respect; they have talked it over. I personally wouldn't do this, I am old fashioned and believe that I should share the last name of my husband. Even if there were children from the previous marriage I would change my name, it doesn't disconnect your children from you in anyway to have different last names (I speak from experience).
I voted wrong too...oops. I voted yes to the post title, should have been no to the question
I think every situation is different. After reading this particlar concern, I think it's valid to want to keep her last name.. which happens to be her ex-husband's last name as well. But the divorce happened a long time ago, so it's not like she's still connected to him in an important way. But I do understand if the FI is offended by it.
I know a person who was divorced twice (maybe three times not sure). Anyway, at work she went from being Ms. A, to Ms. C, back to Ms. A, then to Ms. D, back to Ms. A. She said if she ever got married again she would just stay Ms. A. It was confusing for her clients and definitely confusing for me, who came in later and read some old documents that had her under several different names. Wow.
I would never do this unless there were children involved. If I had children with said person, and I remarried, I would not want them to be the only ones with the last name X when everyone else's ast name is Y.
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