Is Long distance worth it all in the end? All i'm getting is grief!

posted 3 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
10906 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009


You’re right. Distance is the least of your problems in this situation, except for the fact that it’s enabled your SO to get away with not actually having a relationship with you, but, rather, a series of well-planned, well-controlled, well-scripted dates over which you apparently have been able to have little or no say.

This isn’t a relationship. He’s making you litte more than a character in his own, monthly fantasy adventures.

This situation is riddled with red flags. I’m asking myself why he is so controlling? Why is everything on HIS terms? Why is everything so carefully planned and scripted at ALL times? Could he possibly even be secretly married or involved with someone else?

My relationship with my DH was the result of our meeting online. We, too, were long distance during our entire relationship. We only saw each other two or three times a month. However, we were very involved in each other ‘s lives by phone when we were not together. We each planned our time together. We met each other’s family and friends and church families. We had a relationship that existed in the real worlds in which we each lived. To me, that is essential if you’re to be able to determine if you’re compatible and able to fit into each other’s real lives.

Post # 4
251 posts
Helper bee

I’m in a LDR too, I get it. Right now he is in South America and I’m in the US! 

Anyway, when I read your post it seems like he is either super Type A personality or there is someone else, hence why he must plan all trips ahead of time and is not looking for marriage. I don’t mean to be a downer just giving some outside perspective.

I think you deserve better. Someone who is crazy about you and ready to marry you and wants to tell the world! 

Post # 6
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

He’s neatly putting all the guilt on you, isn’t he? It’s not unreasonable for you to ask where this relationship is going and doing so is not being negative. However, his determination to cut you off from pursuing this conversation suggests to me that he isn’t actually IN a relationship with you. Instead, as a pp has said, you have a neatly scripted series of encounters on his terms.

This situation could go on forever, I fear, with him constantly finding reasons to divert you from the real issues and you hanging on interminably. I think you could do far better, to be honest, and I think you should seriously consider the viability of this relationship.

My son and his wife were in a LDR. A much longer distance one too since they met when he was in the US and she followed him to New Zealand where he worked for a year. When he returned to England, she went home to the US. They spent the next year commuting across the Atlantic and his friends became hers and her friends became his. Both families connected too. Sure, it was hard and it is great that they are now married and happily living in England together. But at no time were they not properly involved in each other’s lives and that’s how a healthy LDR should be conducted.




Post # 7
138 posts
Blushing bee

Been there, done that. To be exact, nearly 7 years of that. And let me tell you, I have NEVER been as happy as I have been since the day I left. 

Here is the thing with LDRs: you guys don’t see each other often. Now, that seems like I’m stating the obvious, but I don’t mean that in the sense that you probably initially think. You see, I can understand his mindset of wanting to make the most of each visit, but that isn’t realistic. Because you don’t see eachother very often, each visit is an event with time and effort put into planning perfection. So every time you see eachother, you guys don’t want to talk about problems or deal with issue because you know your time is limited. This is a major problem, especially when there are all kinds of incompatibility red flags that pop up when you guys are apart. You guys don’t seem to even want the same things (you want spontaneity and to move to the next step of cohabitation; he wants to plan everything obsessively and won’t consider cohabitation until marriage). 

Now, the scary possibilities of him dating someone else or having a life behind your back is there, for sure. But assuming that isn’t the case and he genuinely wants this relationship and you are the only woman in his life, could you be happy if all the things you dislike about him or drive you crazy happened everyday rather than just when you guys see eachother? Because a person like you described… Yeah, they don’t change. The traits you seem to struggle with are the sorts of deeply engrained things that a person will have for life. Someone so stubborn and organized and super insistent on planning will always be that way. You’ll never have the spontaneity you desire with the person, sorry. 

On top of that, dont dismiss the red flags of emotional manipulation. Trust me, this was a big thing in my LDR as well that I didn’t notice for years, even though all of my friends saw it. You bring up issues and he tries to belittle them, tries to convince you that you’re negative and your feelings are without grounds. Sounds like he even tries to make you feel guilty about them… Well, you have no reason to. Everyone is entitled to feel how they do, and in a strong healthy relationship, it is important to share these feelings. And if they are not mutual, these feelings/issues should be talked through and worked out together. Your SO doesn’t seem interested in that at all, instead trying to convince you that you’re negatively impacting the relationship with your feelings and to cut them out immediately. That’s majorly unhealthy in any relationship, regardless of distance. 

Fromt someone in a VERY similar situation: run. It isn’t worth it. There are so many red flags. You are looking for the good and ignoring the bad in order to have scripted fantasy dates (as someone before me said) that are pute illusion. The things you are unhappy with will only be amplified once the distance is closed. And this will only be made worse by your SO’s insistence that the distance can only be closed through marriage. If anything, it sounds like a trap to me… Sorry to have to say all these things; I genuinely wish I could tell you the opposite. You deserve so much better than this, and I promise you it’s out there, even if the idea of leaving is scary because it means closing a long chapter of your life. 

Edit: One more thing, he claims that your relationship isn’t about doing the norm and just meeting up and going to the movies, etc… Well, in theoru, the relationship would one day be that way, right? So before that time comes, you guys have to do normal things to make sure you guys can get along in day to day situations that aren’t planned to perfection. Otherwise, how will you know that you guys mesh well from day to day? You won’t, and that’s super important…


Post # 9
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yea, lots of red flags in this situation. You guys only live 3 hours away from each other…that’s not really “long distance.” If you/he wanted to, you could easily see each other three or four times a month. The fact that you’ve been dating for over two years, don’t live that far from each other, and haven’t met his parents says one of two things to me: he’s stringing you along, or he’s seeing someone else & doesn’t want his family to meet you. Either way, it seems like this relationship has gone past its expiration date.

Post # 10
4879 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I have to agree that this isn’t a relationship.  It hasn’t evolved.  It doesn’t sound as if you’re getting much out of the situation.

I’d let this one go & move on.

Post # 11
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Sounds to me like he’s in a relationship with someone else and is keeping you on the side.  I’m sorry.

But your update says you’re going to break up with him, which sounds like it’s for the best. 

Post # 12
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@sailor_girl:  +1

To paraphrase my 3 year LDR in which I was engaged to that fool, he had been married for 10 years by the time our relationship reached its 3rd year. He was in Australia and I was here in the US, which is a far cry from 3 hours away. But we saw each other every few months for 3 months at a time. Sometimes it was here, sometimes it was down under. Talk about a total mind fuck at the end there. I even met her for lunch (HA!). So horrible.

But the fact that he doesn’t want you to come down (which I think he’d be excited about) or live with you to me is a giant red flag that says: he’s with someone else. He knows he has control and can keep you at arm’s length. My ex was very much like that, I booked a ticket to surprise him to go see him and he flipped his shit. Since I’d already paid for it, though, he couldn’t say no. I don’t know how he managed to get his wife away for that one. T___T

You deserve better.

Post # 13
1416 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

At first I was gonna say, yeah LDRs can work out. My relationship with my FI is proof of that. But then I read what you wrote and all I can see is that you are, as@Brielle:  so eloquently put it. “Litte more than a character in his own, monthly fantasy adventures.” I’d just end it at this point. If you’ve been dating for years and he’s never met any of your friends or family (other than your mom) that’s a red flag. He doesn’t want you turning up when he’s not completely in control of the situation, that’s a red flag. He has no plans for the future of the relationship, that’s a red flag too. I’d just walk at this point. No need to waste your time on someone when you are just an accessory in their life.

Post # 14
3249 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Distance is worth it.  The question really is, is this the relationship you want to be in/stay in.  I don’t feel like I have any advice about the relationship issues themselves, other than you could probably have more/better communication.  It sounds like he could be more receptive and thoughtful of what you have to say, but that’s almost always true of both parties in a relationship.

As for distance, I am now married to my wife, who was my long  distance gf (different coasts at first), and then quasi-distance gf/fiancee (45 miles apart, but with an international border in between).  But, the fact that it was a long distance relationship is the factor that makes it a succesful one, or not.

Post # 15
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

@Tarheelgurl:  This is exactly right. While I do support LDRs (I’d be a hypocrite not to, and they’re great for communication), your situation does not sound remotely healthy. If you’ve been together for 2 1/2 years, you should have met each others’ close friends and family members. I know that not every relationship is the same, but SO and I met each others’ parents a month or two after the relationship got serious because with a serious relationship comes a relationship with the family. You deserve to be present in his life at any time, same with him. Life can’t just be planned to a T.

Post # 16
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Is there an update?

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