- 7 years ago
Hi, sister bees. I am still reeling from the discussion with BF on Sunday, wherein he told me he is not ready to stand up in front of God and everybody and declare I am THE ONE he wants/needs to marry and that I make his life so much better (oh, and let him count the ways!) (A male friend of mine said that sounds like an anti-proposal.:(
I was just talking to myself aloud (it’s okay, no one else is home but the cat) and wondered if I could just have a big ass birthday party where I am the center of attention, and maybe get the same feeling of validation. As if.
I keep getting this feeling that I just don’t quite qualify to be his wife. We have lived together for 2 years and known each other for 3. I have a grown and gone daughter and he has a grown and gone stepdaughter. We both work full time and have the same amount of education. We agree on most issues, except that I am WAY more verbal than he is (could that be because I’m a female?) But, seriuosly, it is hard for h im to find his words a lot. Ugh.
I must admit I love the idea of walking into my wedding in a beautiful dress, having a few frills here and there, and having him declare that I am the ONE, with everyone important to us watching. I think I would leave now if I had any money with which to move and pay for a new place. Sigh. I am near the end of a medical leave so that’s another stress, both recovering physically from carpal tunnel surgery AND financially, I will get a partial paycheck on Friday and then on the 15th I think it will be zero, zilch, nada. I will get a more normal paycheck on the 29th, if all goes well with my return to work.
Back to validation: I have read practically every self help book out there, and had too many therapists to count. I KNOW I don’t need a man to be happy. Still, I want one. I was single for most of the past 10 years and I guess there is a part of me that is worried BF is my last chance. I don’t really believe that, but it is a fear I struggle with.
We already have separate bedrooms (he can’t sleep with someone else in the bed). He’s been kind, supportive…okay, this isn’t about him.
For me, getting married is a chance to share your relationship with people you love, express your style in the frills of your wedding/wedding stationery, and a time to throw a wonderful party where everyone is so happy that you finally met someone worth your trouble.