(Closed) Is married life really supposed to be like this??

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

OK, take a few breaths. I have to ask this… have to talked to him about helping around the house? Do you 2 talk about how much stress you are both under?

Im betting he is feeling pretty useless. And you seemed very overwhlemed. Sounds like is he applying which is a very good thing. There are too many stories of bees married to total losers who dont even look for a job.

Im sorry you are going through this!! Maybe a staycation is in order?

Post # 4
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

@KarenA:  No, it’s not supposed to be like that at all.

I get that the transition period has been extra rocky for you but your husband is not helping.  In fact, to me, he sounds depressed.  Losing your job, in particular for a man who society still deems to be the breadwinner (I don’t agree with that statement but it is the norm) can have a huge effect on his confidence and self-worth.

I have a couple of RMT friends so I understand that you physically can’t maintain this workload…you’re going to end up injuring yourself.  Coming home to laundry and dishes and all that other crap is NOT acceptable. Running away out west is not a feasible solution if it doesn’t work for both of you.

You need to have a long, calm conversation about the division of labour at the moment, and what steps your husband needs to take to secure a new job. Stop doing stuff for him, like working on his CV and stuff, wash only your clothes, your dishes, etc.  He’s a grown up, not a child that needs looking after.  You can’t carry both of you indefinitely…that’s just not fair.

 

Post # 5
Member
9147 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

He keeps threatening to move out west?  Are there jobs available in his field where he wants to go?  Would it be worth moving?  Could you find work there too?  I know a lot of midwest states like South Dakota do have jobs available now.  Unemployment is a huge stressor on your life and marriage right now and finding a way to alleviate it will go a long way.  It sucks that your first year being married is extra hard due to your husband being unemployed.

Have you both sat down and discussed household chores or the potential of moving for a job?  Other than him seeing you upset he may not realize that you are stressed out because he isn’t helping out around the house.  When my FH was unemployed for a few months he did everything but cook dinner (dishes, laundry, mopping floors, cleaning bathroom, etc….)  He said that since he wasn’t working he didn’t think it was fair for me to come home after working all day and be expected to work at home too.

Post # 6
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this!! **HUGGGSSS**

It sounds like you two are constantly getting the short end of the stick, but that it’s not your relationship that is the problem! That is good news! Try to remember that you have a wonderful partner in each other and there is nothing that can change that. As far as the work/money issue goes, try approaching him in different ways to let him know you feel overwhelmed. I completely agree that it’s not fair that you seem to be doing all the work. Maybe he is trying to deal with his unemployment in different ways. He may feel useless. Try talking with him about your work/life balance and make him feel needed. Tell him that you can’t do this alone. 

Discuss your finances. You can’t play golf and go out if there are hard times with bills. It sounds like you do most of the financial planning. Maybe show him the numbers so he can understand the need to get another income. We are all here for you!!

Post # 7
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Awe…sweetie! “Is married life supposed to be like this…?” Well, no…however, most newly married couples do not barely survive an earthquake on their honeymoon and then come back to another stressful situation like the one you have outlined.  Start by putting things in perspective…I am not trying to be morbid, but, what if you had survived the earthquake and your husband did not. Think about the what you would be feeling…if it is along the lines of heartbroken and not knowing how to move on…well, your feelings of this doomed marriage are probably more about not knowing how to handle the situation you find yourselves in as opposed to not being with the right person.

There is a reason you married him…I’m sure this is also extremely difficult for him. I reccommend really opening the lines of communication…I know coming home to a house that is dirty and laundry not done when he is home all day can be frustrating, but before getting annoyed with him – which will make him angry – stop for minute. Have you communicated how upsetting it makes you when he doesn’t do any of these things? Also…is he actively searching for a job? If he isn’t taking it seriously, I’d be pretty upset, but if he is getting his resume out there a lot and not getting any bites, he is probably feeling pretty crappy too.

While I normally think some bees throw out the “go to counseling” thing a little too often, I feel like you both need to go to counseling to talk about your feelings etc. about surviving the earthquake! A near death experience like that can really have an affect on someone…and if there are a lot of feelings and confusion about it all being held back, it is going to rear its head in another way – like fighting about dirty dishes or an unmade bed, etc. 

I don’t think your marriage is doomed – I think you have both just been dealt some really bad cards right now. But, if you go back to the reasons why you chose one another in the first place and make a solid effort to understand one another and how each is feeling, you guys will be able to come through this a lot stronger!

Best of luck!

Post # 8
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@KarenA:  RANT IT OUT GIRL. That is what this place is for!! I am so sorry it has been this tough. 

Breathe. 

Stink bomb the client stealer.

Tell your husband (in a non-naggy, screamy way) that if his job is currently being the stay at home hubby- then he needs to be doing his part while job hunting by keeping the house clean. 

Articulate how an ultimatum to move west is hurting you and detrimental to your relationship- the more he attacks you with it, the harder it is to fight to keep him here.

Get into couples counseling. If you go to your local university you can get therapy sessions for cheap to free with grads/their supervisors. (I was a double major in psych) If nothing else you NEED to be treated for PTSD- I’ve seen many military marriages dissolve because it wasn’t dealt with.

You’re wonderful- way to bust your ass so hard to take care of each other. You’re doing amazing with those vows- just remember  “for better or worse” as you go through this hard time. Honestly, based on divorce statistics the first year is the toughest. The honeymoon really is over…and your honeymoon was stressful.

Gift him Oktoberfest as your xmas/channukah gift for him due to the tight finances.

Finally give yourself a hug and take a big drink of your fave cocktail. You are under a lot of pressure and you’ve been handling it gracefully and responsibily. I think you’re a wonderful wife and I’m sure he is a wonderful hubby. Light a fire under him about the job/house management. Know if he bucks back it is surely based in feeling emasculated because he can’t provide for you like he wants to and it is upsetting him emotionally just as 100 providing is hurting you emotionall.

Best of luck, congrats, and this too shall pass.

Post # 9
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Nope. He should help around the house. Sorry you’re going through this. I lived with my husband for 3 years before we got married and he knows better than to sit on his azz while I work all day. He actually quit one job and got laid off once in the time we were living together before marriage, so we nipped that in the bud right away!!

Post # 10
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Sending you hugs!!!!!!

And, no, this is not what marriage should look like. Even though you’re both stressed, he needs to do more around the house because you’re wearing yourself down. I would sit down and have a talk with him about what you need help with and the finances. Maybe he assumes that you guys are doing the traditional roles in a marriage? But that will not work in your situation.

I’m on the other end, where I’m a SAHW, on disability, and my DH is working his tail off. I know it’s hard for him. I do all the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, laundry because I look at his schedule and I know that there’s no time for him to do any of that. If the situation were reversed, I would expect the same from him. 

Also, when I was feeling really terrible and sick, I couldn’t do any of that. DH had a talk with me about how he was starting to feel resentful of the situation. I explained to him my situation in full detail and we had a really great talk about it. It was not an easy discusion, but it really helped us understand each other.

Post # 11
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yeah, marriage isn’t easy, and the best way to blow up your relationship is to add in money  and communication issues.

Just be clear that why he is home and your at work, you have expectations and need help around the house and such. If he is not getting the picture, than I suggest counseling, and take it from there. He probably is dealing with a lot emotionally himself, as well.

If he refuses everything and just wants to have a sugar momma, then yes I would pack your bags.

You will get through this!

Post # 12
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

In this economy, finding and/or keeping a job can be quite difficult. I am the bread winner right now. DH decided to go back to school (we are in our late 20’s)…so I am doing everything…including cooking, cleaning, paying the bills and even helping him with his homework! It really is stressful and I totally feel ya there! How we stay afloat…we cut out all the expenses that we could. We Red Box ALOT. We don’t have cable…we would not even have internet if it wasn’t for his school. We don’t eat out, I cook quick meals. I don’t go get my hair or nails done. He has 1yr and a half left and we are determined to make it! We have only been married since 1/1/11 and we have been through alot too! Good luck to you! Find a happy place (mine is when I am relaxing in a bubble bath) and breathe! But remember to try to be plesant to your hubby…he feels it too.

 

Post # 13
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Not married, but my best guess/opinion is that you two have hit the ‘for better or worse’ part a lot sooner than *most*.  I think the majority, if not all, have this idea that life as newlyweds is absolutely perfect/amazing/wonderful.  AND ALTHOUGH it mostly is, and should be, ‘LIFE’ may not have gotten the memo 🙂

You are in a very trying time right now – due to very trying life experiences.  I think when a lot couples experience these roadblocks, they tend to take things out on one another.  I think most couples will experience these hardships at some point throughout their marriage. 

Between PTSD/a lay off/bills stacking up, etc, you/we tend to take our frustrations with the shitty hand we were dealt out on the person/people we love most.  Of course you are working your ass off to make ends meet, and how dare your hubby just sit on his ass while you do!!  However, living in anger at that fact alone will not change the fact that the next bill that needs paid is sitting in your mailbox, but definitely enhances that fact nonetheless.

Looking back on your relationship, I would assume that you chose to marry this man (or visa versa) for many many reasons.  I am assuming that is because you had a strong relationship – good communication, honesty, loyalty and love.  *Try* to get back to those core values, and work together once more.  Communicate, if you have not, your feelings and/or your perception of the situation.  Be honest, and work on compromising.

I think couples emerge stronger from hardships, maybe not the case every time, but it certainly can be an awesome learning experience and help you two grow together even more. GOOD LUCK!

 

Post # 14
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds like you have had a lot to deal with in your first few months of marriage, but it doesn’t have to be like this forever.  I’m so sorry that your husband lost his job.  I bet that things will turn around when he is working again.  Working is important not only to keep your finances in order, but to give him a sense of purpose.

My husband was out of work for a few months before getting his most recent job, and it was really hard on both of us.  He didn’t do as many chores as I hoped he would.  It was also really hard to get him motivated to look for jobs, and I did a lot of the work in looking for openings and editing his cover letters. 

The biggest lesson for me was that it was a good idea to have a conversation together about goals for the job search and how to allocate the household responsibilities about once a week.  The rest of the time I had to keep my opinions to myself and let him work things out.  Do not ask him about the job search everyday!  If there’s news, he’ll tell you.  If I brought it up too often, my husband felt like I was nagging and was even less motivated.  But, if I didn’t push him at least once a week, I’m not sure he would have found a job.  Talk to him about his own goals, what kind of job he wants, and how he is going to approach the search.  Don’t automatically do everything for him, but try to be supportive if he asks for help.

Another idea is to think about whether he has any skills that he could use to earn some money while he is looking.  Is it possible for him to freelance, tutor, or help family members with a project?  It might help to feel like he is contributing something even if he can’t find full-time work.

Post # 16
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

@KarenA:  Man, that sucks. My SO lost his job 9 months ago, and can’t go back for another 3 months, and it does suck. We have been living off his savings in the meantime. Things are a little different between us, but it hasn’t ruined everything at all. I wonder if there were cracks in the foundation before all this happened? Why does he think it’s ok to do nothing at home, even though you’re working twice as much as you used to?

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