Post # 1
A bit of back ground history on this situation… I’ve always had very involved and controlling parents when it comes to me, but my brother is able to do what he wants when he wants. Even though I am the oldest I feel babied by them and not respected as an adult. My younger brother has always been the ‘perfect child’. I can’t seem to do anything right in their eyes yet Greg can just do everything so perfectly without trying.
Anyway I recently got engaged and have set a date for June 20th 2015 because this date was what my parents wanted, sigh… you have to pick your battles right? My brother moved to BC (we’re Canadian, eh 🙂 ) and the rest of the immediate family lives in Ontario. I found out about my brother’s engagement through Facebook, I was looking at pictures that my brother’s girlfriend doesn’t have locked. We aren’t fb friends as she won’t put me on there. I called my Mom to ask if she knew and she said yes they did and that she had told other people because she thought my brother would have called me, which he didn’t. I sent him a message telling him it’ a crappy feeling finding out about my only siblings engagement through a facebook creep. Within 5 minutes he replied and gave a crappy excuse saying the 3hr time difference was preventing him from calling…yet he can defend himself in 5 minutes when called out on this news. At this point my feeling are REALLY hurt because I told Greg (my bro) that we wold pay for their airfare to come to Ontario because we wanted them there on our big day and he can’t even be bothered to tell us about his engagement. I am not upset with him getting married, I’m happy he likes this gal and thinks he can make a life with her.
I found out a few days later that my parents are going to BC in September and while they are there will be going to Greg and his future wife’s wedding. Now I am LIVID as I am being further left out of the family circle.
Greg is now getting married on September 21st of this year when our planned wedding wasnt to happen until June 20th 2015. I totally feel like our thunder was stolen and that Greg ‘wins’ again because our parents will get to brag about how great he is before they get to be proud of me. I have never felt that they have been proud of me except for chosing to get married. I know I sound like a child and I do sort of feel childish over this but I just can’t get past it. I just wanted to be the apple of my Mom and Dad’s eye for once and not an after thought. I told my parents that we are going to move our date up to the end of this month and just have a really fancy cocktail reception at a swanky restaraunt after our church ceremony and they are furious with this decision! I just don’t understand why Greg can drop a huge bomb on everyone and it’s accepted. (he is getting married ontop of a cliff thing and can’t wear shoes to climb up this! Our Mother just had a stoke…which I was there for, not brother bear. And our Father just had heart surgery, which I was there for and not brother bear. Why on earth would he think our parents are capable of doing this climb for a ceremony in light of the major health issues they’ve both had is beyond me) But we want to change the date so that it makes my Fiance and I feel better about being the first like originally planned and it’s a complete NO GO from my parents!?
Does anyone see where I’m coming from? Has anyone has similar experice and if so, how did you cope with it?
Signed one seriously hurt and confused bride.. 🙁
Post # 2
amycatherine: I think it totally makes sense that your feelings are hurt, HOWEVER, I would not change my wedding date and rush to the altar just to “beat” my sibling. Rise above the pettiness, prove that you are the mature one and keep your date. I certainly wouldn’t want to get married in a rush just to do something first.
Post # 3
amycatherine: I think you are being very childish. But then again, your brother is still be playing the “one up game” with you too.
It’s clear that you and your brother are not close so why do you let him keep pushing your buttons? If you change the date of your wedding, he will know that he got under your skin again.
Why not just let your brother get his wedding over with, then you and your parents will be able to concentrate on your wedding?
Post # 4
Its sad and hurtful that they are planning a wedding without you but I think you’re completely overreacting being upset he is getting married first. how is he stealing your thunder? He’ll be married and you’ll still have 9 more months to Have your thunder after his wedding. how does he getting married first means he “wins”? It’s not a race to the alter.
Post # 5
eeeeek! that sucks they are leaving you out of the loop and that your bother has not invited you to his recently planned wedding 🙁 BUT i don’t think you should move your date up to get married first! maybe try talking to your brother? why wont FSIL add you on FB? are any other family members going to the wedding out west?
Post # 6
You are explaining his choices through your own baggage. I understand being hurt he didn’t tell you- but it was reactionary and silly to move up your wedding date a full year. You WILL be the focus after his very soon wedding. But by moving your date you tried to make it a competition and a statement about family dynamics and not what it is- a happy coincidence that both your parents kids are getting married in the next year.
Move back your date to 15 and be gracious and supportive- and tell your parents how much you are looking forward to your wedding as a bonding experience. I suggest you calm down and seperate your own feelings from the truth- he has a right to get married this sept and you will have almost a full year of your planning/wedding.
Post # 7
amycatherine: why do you need this bs in your life again? Stop giving so much of yourself if it isn’t appreciated.
I get wanting approval but the moment I stopped trying so hard to get it was the moment my relationship with my parents got better. You can’t control other people so just focus on controlling what you can – your actions and reactions.
Post # 8
I feel like there is much more to this story. You and Greg obviously don’t get along…at all. You are his sister and aren’t invited to his wedding so I think there is some huge thing you are leaving out.
Also, your brother is getting married almost a YEAR before you…I wouldn’t say that is thunder being stolen. If you honestly feel like your brother has been the golden child all these years (for apparently no reason) then fine. Now shouldn’t be any different. Have the wedding you want and get on with your life.
Post # 9
He did end up sending an email a few days after this whole blow up happened saying that he was anxiouls about telling me about his engagement because he felt that it would ‘steal our thunder’ so he just made it 10 times worse by doing a quicky wedding. I had no ill feelings towards my brother at all. He is my only sibling and I do care about him. I have’t left anything out of the story. I call him and email him regulary and get the same from him some of the time. He is pretty quiet where I am more social. But I’ve never felt that he did like me and I’ve never felt that about him.
I don’t really care for the lady he’s planning on marying. Nobody in our family really is. I’ve never vocalized it to him and never would. That’s rude. But I do stand behind his decision, he is the one that is marrying her afterall. I guess she isn’t crazy about me either which resulted in us not be on each other’s facebook list.
If Shawn and I hadn’t have picked out a date then I would have no reason at all to be upset with them picking this September but because we have ready picked out a date, why couldn’t they wait until after? We aren’t even going to be engaged for a year before we are married, I don’t think that’s a crazy long amount of time.
Post # 10
amycatherine: just a thought… Maybe the fiancee is pregnant and they are quickly getting married before telling anyone? I’m not sure if that would be important to her/him, but it’s a possibility.
Post # 11
Dont change yours, stop living by what other people think. Have your wedding, how and when you want for you and your FI and love each other. Easier said than done, i know, but forget what anyone else wants. If you base your happiness on someone elses approval youll never be happy. Now, Yes it sucks what has happened to you. your feelings being hurt are totally justified and If they exclude you from their life like that, why fight to bring them into yours? You deserve better!!
Post # 12
I do think you have a right to feel upset about finding out about the engagement on Facebook and generally feeling excluded from thwit wedding plans.
However, I do not think you should change your date. It makes you seem childish. It is also unrealistic to expect them to wait until you are married to get married. For some people it is important to have a long engagement, Other people want a shorter engagement for various reasons. I don’t think it will steal your thunder. Just think once they are married you will have 9 months where the thunder will be all yours!
Post # 13
amycatherine: I’m sorry that you feel this way in your family and I can understand the hurt given the way the dynamic is.
The trouble with situations such as yours is that by you reacting to the treatment that is dished out, you allow the cyclical nature of it all to continue, and around you go again until you put a stop to it. Your parents view you as emotionally immature (and thus treat you like a child), your brother stirs up your emotions, and you react. Moving your wedding date up was a rash decision fuelled by emotion, which in your parents eyes, confirms that you are less than emotionally mature/competent, etc., and as a result, you will be treated like a child. And so it goes.
The entire situation is definitely hurtful and yes, you have every reason to be hurt. However, you need to stop reacting to it in order to stop the pattern. This will likely take a while (maybe a few years), but over time if you live your life and display maturity, security in your decisions and don’t let yourself get riled up in these types of situations, your family will likely begin to respect you as an adult. And in the worst case, if not, you will have grown confident in yourself enough that it won’t affect you to the degree it does now.
Post # 14
Parents, Shawn and I wondered that. My Mom asked them and they said they DO NOT want kids- ever. They have 2 dogs that are their babies. Shawn and I have 2 kids together, until greg moved out west he would see the kids when we would bring them over (he lived with our parents while he was in Ontario) but he never really connected with them. It’s not that he doesn’t care about them, he does. He just feels uneasy around kids.
Post # 15
amycatherine: If Shawn and I hadn’t have picked out a date then I would have no reason at all to be upset with them picking this September but because we have ready picked out a date, why couldn’t they wait until after?
<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>Newsflash: Nobody is obligated to wait until their sibling is married before they plan their own wedding. Your brother and his fiancee do not have to live their life by your clock.</div>