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Edited to add: Congratualtions on your engagement!
Being gracious to guests =/= accomodating every single person and his or her schedule.
Some folks understand this, others - like your SIL - don't.
Tell her you're sorry, but this is the date you've chosen and, while you hope she can be there because her presence is important to you and your FI, that you'll be getting married on dd/mm/yyyy. And that's that.
This is really hard. I know where you are coming from because I have 8 siblings and FI has 3, most of whom are married with at least 3 children. That does not include aunts, uncles, cousins, and their children. We have also been trying to figure out how to cut our guestlist (our venue holds 100 people), but it has been really difficult because of how large my side of the family is. It is a big political battle because I know there will be a lot of people who will be offended for not getting invited (even if they wouldn't have come), but I know that we are definitely staying with our venue because it fits perfectly with our budget and my sanity. We are doing the hard thing and cutting the guestlist (i.e. not including some family members), but I am preparing myself for the upset this decision will cause.
You just need to think about what is most important for you, and dealing with the fact that you can't please everyone. Make sure you surround yourself with the people you absolutely want, and hope that people can gradually understand your decision once you make it. I think your FFIL does feel this way from you first telling her your plans, but I am sure that if a small wedding is really what you and your fiance want, that she will eventually come around.
First welcome to Weddingbee and congrats on your engagement!! Does your date work for everyone else or would their be conflicts with other invited family members? I do think its important to consider family when picking a date, especially if you want everyone to be there. Have you talked to your FI about it?
Is the date you picked for sentimental reasons (i.e. your first date?) Maybe you can pick alternate dates around the time you want to get married and see what works best for everyone (the people that MUST be there).
When we looked at a venue they wrote down about 6 dates for us between the May-August time frame. A couple were crossed out immediately. One was my moms 50th bday and even though she didnt want to do anything I didnt want our wedding on her bday. A few other dates conflicted with work so we settled on one date we really wanted and did a quick check with immediate family (parents, brothers & sisters) to make sure the date worked for everyone. It was important to us that they all be there and thankfully the date worked.
Good luck with everything, I hope it all works out!
Ok just realized she might have said to move the date because the situation didnt work for them (meaning the smaller guest list, another party, etc), not that the date didnt work itself because of a date conflict. If this is the case, I think you should keep your date and talk to you FI about how to properly let his family know that is the date you have chosen and unless either your family or his family are able to contribute $$ to the wedding so others can be invited, there is not much you can do.
thank you for all your respones because this has been hard me. my FIand i did talk i'm sure i'm driving him all the way up the wall with this and he just wants to get married it makes no difference to him who is there he suggested we just go the courthouse and not invite anyone.....i HATE that idea but the date was chosen because of my work schedule if we dont do it then we cant get married until 2011 and honestly the thought of that makes my stomach turn. i'm excited to be his wife so i'm just hoping that we can talk again and come to a decision that works best for everyone because i do want his family there, but i just dont want them to feel like i'm excluding just them because i have taken alot of my family off the list as well i tried to do it as fair as it could be we both got 50 guest but i have to say we were secretly hoping that they would offer to help since his sisters insist that the entire family and close friends of there family should be there buuut that didnt happen soi'm crossing my fingers that this all works out this has put all my planning on hold i cant do anything because i dont know how many people to plan for i'm just stuck until this is resloved so thanks again everyone this made me feel better!!!! and i dont have to bug my FI yet again so i'm sure he thanks you all too!!
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My fi and have been dating for 10 years, we got engaged in may and ever since then my mind has been in overload trying to think of ways to throw the wedding we both want without going broke in the process i have to say that i am not the typical girl i didnt even want a enagment ring (i dont wear jewlery and thought it'd be a waste of money) our ideal wedding is a guestlist of 75 people anyway after talking to my FI we came up with some ways that we thought could save us some money and not hurt anyone's feelings that were very excited about....did i mention were paying for this ourselves with no help from anyone for anything,
My Fi has a HUGE family he's the baby of 7 brothers and sisters all who are married and everyone has been waiting on us to get married so we thought that when we told them about our ideas they'd understand because were paying for this so i call his siater to tell her that although we'd love to be able to invite everyone we cannot afford to do it and still get some of the things we want this is where i dont know if its me or her? so i tell her that we have decided that we are cutting the guest list from 250 people to 100 people immediate family only and we will throw a party at a later date for the people that werent not invited to the wedding or we would just have a ceremony invite everyone with no reception and just have a gathering with family only, and her exact words to me were well u guys need to change your date because that just isnt going to work for us i then felt horrible i cried i dont know what else to do is changing my date something i should consider? i do feel bad that we cant invite his entire family but it's huge the 7 brothers and sister is just the beginning thats not even including all the kids his mom's 5 sisters or cousins i mean the list goes on and on i dont want to start off wrong with my FIL but i dont really think i should have to push back my date to accomodate everyone else am i being selfish?