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OK, bees, I need some advice.
So, I am really close to both my parents, something that I think bothers husband a little. I swear I'm not like a daddy's girl, and don't start every sentence with, 'well my parents say...' but I know he gets annoyed when I go to my parents for advice or to vent instead of going to him. He likes my parents, but being close is a phenomenon he can't really fathom as neither he nor his three siblings are super close to their parents.
Anyways, I am 31 weeks pregnant, and we just started talking about what's going to happen come Sept. Now, I am planning on working up until the point I go in to labor, my husband works outdoors and does not have constant access to a phone, and my parents live 5 hours away and work full time, so it's anyone's guess as to what could happen when the time comes. However, I have always been planning on having both my mother and husband in the room with me. Nothing against my dad, I just don't want too many people in there and think my mom would probably want to be there, whereas I don't think my dad would be.
Husband just told me this weekend he wants it to be just him and me in the delivery room and doesn't want any visitors right away-like immediately after the birth. I balked right away, because even if my parents don't make it to the delivery (if it happens before they can get up there) I'd want to see them as soon as they made it and vice versa.
Now, I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, I want my mom there (assuming that will be possible), and I think as I am the one in labor, my needs trump his. On the other hand, it's not that he doesn't want her there because he doesn't like her. He wants this opportunity to be the supportive one (he is not terribly sensitive and can be SUCH a guy sometimes) and have me depend on him instead of my parents, and I think he feels having someone else there will take that away from him. I mean, I can't see him being that good in the L&D room honestly, but if he could, that is certainly something I'd like to see. If he can really step up and say the right things and be helpful, then maybe I'd consider having it just be the two of us.
What do you guys think? Am I taking something away from him by insisting my mother be there? Will he be more grateful than he realizes by having someone else there? Will I care when it comes time?
Trust me, you're going to want your mom there. I had my mom and FH in the room (and FMIL and FSIL) and my mom would hold my hand and help me through contractions while FH rubbed my lower back, which was the only thing that made me feel better. It's also good to have a woman in there who's been through childbirth before because they have a much better sense of how to help you through the pain than a man does. A man can offer support, but my mom was the one who knew to tell me to switch positions, or try this or that to alleviate the pain. It really helped.
I think if you want your mom there, your needs really trump his. Childbirth is hard to get through and I know he wants like a 'special bonding moment' between the two of you, but honestly, if you think you want her help/presence/support, you should have it.
My fiance was the same way. In the end, I went with just my fiance. It meant so much to him, and once I started having contractions, I kind if knew, less would be more in the delivery room anyways. I never regretted it. He was SO good, and the intimacy between us during those 18 hours were so intense, and remarkable, and I just don't think it would have been the same had another person been there to lean on.
Also, I called my mom right after I had him, but it was 12:00 in the morning by the time I called her, after everything had been said and done, and they did all the checks on the baby, as he was running a high fever, the last thing I would have wanted was visitors after 18 1/2 hrs of labour.
Everyone's different though, but that's just my point of view, from my personal experience. Goodluck!
Oh and I just wanted to add, I really doubted my fiances capabilities going into this, but I put all my trust into him, and it really worked out well. He surpassed what I wanted and needed, and turned out to be amazing. I actually fell in love with him all over again mid labour.
It is his child, not your mom's. I think he is right to want the initial bonding time to be just you guys. Your parents have the rest of their lives to get to know your child. You can't give your husband those first precious moments without them barging in??
(also, the fact that you vent/ask them advice before your husband is a real problem. Expect that to grow into a larger issue over time. You and your husband are a new family now - you should treat it as such!)
I'm really taken aback by a few points in your post and agree with crayfish: that this could definitely turn into a bigger probelm over time. I hope I'm not crossing any lines (and I realize this isn't what you were looking for advice on) but some things I think you may want to address with your husband are:
Beyond all that, I really think you should at least try and respect his wishes. Let your Mom know ahead of time, but also let him know that if it becomes too much and you think your Mom could help (seeing as she's given birth before) you'll want her to come in. But at least give him the chance to be able to share that moment with just the two of you.
Again, I'm really sorry if I crossed a line with the first part of my post, I just feel like those are as big of issues, if not bigger, than the one you're actually posting about.
Some men are good at giving comfort and strength and some are not. Lots of them fall asleep during the labor and some are there holding your hand and doing whatever they can throughout. No way of knowing which kind of help he'll be until you're in the midst of it all, and depending on how long the labor lasts, he may be happy to have some help. It sounds like you WANT your Mom there, and they will not be just barging in. Big difference.
Since he has no real idea what to expect, he's probably just thinking out loud.(I was in labor for 27 hours, so needed more than one person to be there!) I think if you really want her there, you should have her there.
I've also been given a headsup about both of my Sils...they both faint at the sight of needles and blood. Guess I'll be needed when the time comes. :)
I was pretty sure I would want my mom & my husband in the room but once I was ready to push I wanted it to be just me & my husband! I think it worked out well to have my MIL & mom there while I was waiting but left when the time came. I wouldn't have wanted them in there! I'm so glad it was just my husband & I....we got to enjoy those first precious moments alone with our baby girl :) But everyone is different, you may end up wanting your mom.
I think this also depends on how you anticipate labor going: are you prepared or are you freaking out? Is your mother going to be a calming influence that you need or will she be telling you you're doing it wrong? I was very at ease with the labor process (Read "The Best Birth, it's a majorly calming/helpful book) and was even watching "Anchorman" and Monty Python at 8cm. I didn't need my mother there, so it was fine that it was just my son's father. If I had been scared/anxious/unsure/etc, then a calming influence would have been just the thing I needed (would not have gotten that from my ex). Weigh the pros and cons - the potential damage to the relationship with your man if you do invite mom to the delivery room vs. your own birthing experience. Also, your DH's opinion may change as you get closer to D-day, so you don't have to set the decision in stone.
Have him read a lot about what you're going through in labor so that he can prepare for what he needs to do. I wanted a doula when I delvered Moose, but my husband really wanted it to be him, so we went with just him. I can honestly tell you it was the best decision as it brought us closer together than anything else possibly could. Leave your mom out. This is something that the two of you started and need to finish. Plus, I agree with @crayfish: and @Navy_Wife:
Hey guys, thanks for the advice. Something I wanted to address really quickly- not really in the spirit of the post, but I did want to point this out: Husband is a good guy, but not the best at saying the right things and is not the greatest listener. Often times, going to him when I need advice or to vent is not helpful, and he doesn't want to hear it. For the record, I do not discuss him or our marriage with my parents. Generally it's work related problems, as my mom and I work in the same field. For these same reasons, I am not sure husband would handle a long labor session well all by himself.
As far as my needs trumping his, I get that that sounds kind of cold. But honestly, there is no compromise here. I want my mom there, he does not want her there. One of us is not going to get our way. In this instance, someone's needs are going to get trumped. Either his to do this his way, or mine to do it my way.
This is not a case of my mom wanting to be there, and me choosing her feelings over his. This is a case where I want her to be there, as I think it will help.
I wouldn't say it's a right vs. wrong answer to it. It's about how you feel and what you need. I know a lot of couples have their mother until the pushing starts, and finish the delivery with just the husband. Plus, this is the start of your family together, and I think that should be shared with just you, your husband and your new baby. You'll have loads of time to have your mom help out afterwards.
@Tatum: no advice on the you going to them for advice or whatever bc that situation sounds somewhat complicated, but regarding the birth... I am 100% with you. I actually had this exact discussion with my husband (although we're not even pregnant lol). He said the same thing as your husband... he wants it to be just the 2 of us for labor and delivery and would rather my mom not be there. I feel the same way you do-- it is a LONG process and I want more than one person there. Specifically a person that has been through this (twice) before. I think the job is big enough for two and I think it'll make me feel better to have my mom there. I'm not wanting to invite the whole world but when you're going through probably the hardest thing in your entire life, it isn't too much to ask IMO to want to have the TWO people you're closest to there to support you. And quite frankly, I'm the one doing it. So yes, my opinion gets 51% in that matter.
@Tatum: I say respect your husbands wishes...have your parents in the lobby, then your husband can walk out and announce the birth of your child...then allow guests into the room.
wow i have to say i'm really surprised how many people are taking her husband's side on this. What if her husband was the one posting saying "I really want to be alone with my wife during delivery but she wants her mom... am I wrong?"
Wouldn't we all be telling him to be a little more compassionate and recognize how hard this is going to be for his wife and suggesting he be the one to compromise?
I think if his objection is that strong, then you should concede this point. He's your husband and even though you are the one giving birth, it's his baby and his experience too.
Your mom can be right there in the waiting room and she can come in soon after to see you and the baby. I think that is a fair compromise.
@CorgiTales: You are right, but it's all in the way an OP tells/spins a story. People can only comment from that perspective. Part of the way the OP story (unintentionally) reads is 'I sometimes put my relationship with my parents before my husband but my husband doesn't understand and he feels left out. I also discuss things with my parents that I dont discuss with my husband (who really should come first)" Because the story comes off this way, people are more sympathetic to hubby.
Now if OP's story had read more like" my husband doesn't listen to me so I have to go to my parents a lot for a listening ear or my husband is trying to keep my mom out of the delivery room even though I really need her help" responders would have likely been more sympathetic to her.
it's all about marketing and PR, lol.
ETA: It it were me and I wanted my mom in there, she would be there, point blank. I dont know if that makes me mean or what but there are other things to compromise on.
I'm all for compromise when it comes to parenting--it is, after all, his baby as much as it is yours. But in the delivery room? Uh-uh. You get to call ALL the shots. That's your prerogative after 9+ months of carrying the baby. Sorry, hubby!
I honestly didn't even read into all the going-to-my-parents stuff. I just focused on "I really really want my mom there, he doesn't" and offered advice based on my own experience. To be honest, when it comes to childbirth, I don't think the other stuff (the fact he thinks she spills too much to her parents) matters all that much. Maybe she does, but in this situation, who cares. She wants her mom there, probably will need her mom for support and comfort, and if she wants that, her husband should make every accommodation that's reasonable to make sure she's comfortable during delivery. I find there tends to be a lot of this posting on here where the husband wants the delivery and labor all to himself and his wife, but I really don't think they take into consideration how much a little extra help comes in handy. Not that you need the whole village in there, but one or two extra support people to stay close by if he needs to go get a drink or something to eat (labor can last a LONG time and you can't eat in the delivery room in front of the laboring mother), go to the bathroom to take over the reins while he's gone is a BIG help.
I guess I just don't get why these men feel that the miracle of life will be any less miraculous because their mother in law is in the room. When the baby finally comes, they won't even know she's in the room. Their attention will 100% be on the new baby and new mom.
@ohheavenlyday: right thats what i did. I dont feel like the rest of it is relevant to this issue.
I want my mom in the room with me, but she's kinda nervous. (She had a c-section with me and my sis, so doesn't know how things go.) She said she'd come in if my SO is late b/c of work, but otherwise, would be in the waiting room. (She's got 7wks to decide.LOL)
If you want her there, y'all need to discuss it in detail more. How about having her come in for a little bit and leave?Yes, this is you and your husband's moment, but there's nothing wrong with wanting your mom, someone who has given birth and is another comforter for you, to be there.
I think you have every right to have who you want there, even if that ruffles his feathers. YOU are the one giving birth, and while it is his child too, it is your decision to whom you want there. I had both my Fiance and my Mom there, and I think that was the best thing for all of us. I was in a scarily similar situation. My dad drove 3 hours to drop my mom off and 3 hours back because he had to work. My mom stayed with us for the 2 days I was in labor and then 6 hours after the birth. She was able to hold and cuddle my son so FI and I could get some sleep. I wish she could have stayed londer, but Dad had to drive back to pick her up.
Maybe it could be a compromise to have her there for the labor and delivery but then give you some time to bond? If she can, have her stay AFTER the fact when you are home and exhausted and need some sleep.
If your delivery ends up anything like mine (HARD) you will NEED the emotional support. I actually told FI to shut up while I was giving birth! He was trying to be helpful, but as a man, he just really didn't know what to do. lol!
You know, you're right, but I wanted to tell the story in a way that was fair to husband and did not make him sound like a jerk. Honestly, he can be pretty insensitive and never says the right thing. I have included several examples on different weddingbee posts. I don't really want to get into it now, as it was not the intention of this post, but trust me, this is not an issue of Husband wishing I would come to him instead of my parents. Husband just wishes I wouldn't have the issues in the first place and rest assured, he does not want to hear about it. He cares, but he doesn't always think before he speaks and sometimes he can be unintentionally hurtful while trying to help.
However, I wanted to present this post in a way that shows he's NOT being a jerk, this is just something he really wants to prove he can do- support me by himself.
@ohheavenlyday: I find there tends to be a lot of this posting on here where the husband wants the delivery and labor all to himself and his wife, but I really don't think they take into consideration how much a little extra help comes in handy.
I agree. I just posted about mom coming in and out during the delivery. Maybe I'm wrong, but she's the one in pain and going through this whole ordeal, whatever makes her comfortable should be what happens.
I'm going to say one more thing and them I'm going to stfu. lol I think a lot of women fail to understand how stressful it is for men to become fathers. They don't have to carry the child but they have the same concerns and fears that their wives do. And they also have financial worries on top of that. Plus, their lives are going to change forever as well.
It's a big fucking deal for both of you. If you're not a father and if you don't have a child, then there's no way for you to understand that. No way. I don't agree that because you're giving birth you automatically get to call all the shots in the delivery room. Obviously, you get to decide what medications you want, if any. And you should definitely be able to dictate how you want your environment to be.
But I don't see why you get to unilaterally decide who's in the room. I dont see why there can't be a compromise. Maybe your mother can stay through labor for bit and then leave to give him the privacy and bonding he wants. I don't know but work something out that you can both be happy with. Okay, done and done here:)
I have to say that I agree with Corgitales on this - I'm surprised at the number of people who are saying to let him have his way. I know he's a big part of all this, but SHE is the person who needs to deliver the baby.
I think whether to have it private between the mom and dad or to have your mother/someone else there to help is a personal decision that will be different for everyone. What may have felt perfect for one person will not be same way another person wants to deliver. So I don't think she's "wrong" for wanting her mother there for the reasons she's mentioned, just like he's not "wrong" for wanting to share this special time alone. I guess for me, at the end of the day because it's her going through the physical delivery, her wishes should get more weight. Maybe not 100% fair, but more fair in my eyes than her having to suffer through labour without someone there that she really wants to be there.
I have not had a child, but I have spoken to a lot of women who have. Every one of them who has been close to their mother has said that they could not have made it without their mother in the delivery room. I am sure that literally could have survived it, but having their mom there made it more comfortable (if at all possible). Yes, the baby is your husband's child and he needs to bond with his child. But, labor can be a long, drawn out process. Just like Corgitales mentioned, your mother can relieve your husband so that he can go eat or whatever, and help out with you.
You are going to be very uncomfortable and nervous the day you have your baby. You are going to need all of the loving support you can handle, and if you want your mom there, do not forego that benefit. If she's looking forward to being in the room, too, it's not worth the drama to kick her out.
Just tell her that she can be in the room when you give birth, hold the baby for a little AFTER your hubby holds the baby, and then she needs to leave so you guys can have private family time.
@Tatum: I think to some degree you need to think about his wishes. This is his child and he sounds like he wants to support you.
Maybe there is some way you can come to an agreement with your husband and your mom, that your husband will be the one by your side, but if you need someone to run and get ice chips/etc it would be great to have her there to help out.
I guess I just think about the movie, Knocked Up, where he finally gets to the hospital and has to tell the sister to back off and stay in the waiting room.
@Tatum: I think the best solution would be what someone above suggested. Have them there until the times comes to actually push and then have them leave. Your husband is asking for one pretty important thing in his life. Just because he doesn't always say the perfect thing does not give you grounds to deny him something he really wants that is a huge change in his life.
By him saying that he wants it to be just you two he is saying that he wants to be the most important person to you at that moment and that he truly wants to experiance your childs birth as a special moment. He's also trying to tell you that he wants to be that supportive person with the right things to say. He's trying really hard to be there for you and you need to let him.
If it truly means something to him give him the benefit of the doubt. You married him because he was a wonderful and caring person didn't you? Give him plenty of reading material and let him know what you are going to need from him. It shouldn't be about needs trumping needs. People can have children alone and the baby is still born. Your husband really wants to be the most important person to you and I think later on that will be a memory that the two of you can really cherish later on.
If you want your mom, I think she should be there. You could even compromise and have your mom there during most of labor and send her out when you're pushing. Labor can go on for hours, and it's really helpful to have a couple people there for you so they can switch off supporting you. (Remind your husband that your labor could be 36 hour ordeal and he'll probably want to get a pop and a sandwich somewhere in there- does he want you to be alone?)
But I will say if your husband is going to resent you having your mother there, it might cause more problems than it's worth. If your mom and husband get along well, I think it will be fine, but if you think they'll bicker, it might be easier to just let him have his way.
I had my mom, Mr. Cannon's parents and him in the room until pushing time. Then all the parents left and it was just the two of us (and two doctors, the labor and delivery nurse and a team of NICU doctors and their students- it was a crowd!) I really would have liked to have my mom in there with Mr. Cannon and myself when I was pushing, but I was worried about being rude and kicking out his parents while keeping my mom there. With our next child, I want to have my mom there the whole time, and I'll actually have the experience and forethought to discuss it before so I'm not left in that awkward situation again.
Luckily, everyone in our families get along well, so it wasn't a problem. But if you've ever seen an episode of 16 and Pregnant where the parents hate the boyfriend, you know that's not a situation you want to be a part of. The last thing you need when you're in that much pain is to hear people you love sniping at each other.
Anyway, that's my two cents. It's really hard to comment when you don't know the people at all. (I mean, when I think of some of my friends' families and husbands, I would tell them one thing, but others I would say something else!) I think it's really easy to overthink this thing because your idea of what it's going to be like is most likely completely different than how it will be. It definitely was for me!
@SecretName
I guess I just think about the movie, Knocked Up, where he finally gets to the hospital and has to tell the sister to back off and stay in the waiting room.
Funny you should say that, as that scene totally popped into my head as well when my husband told me that. I totally understand where he's coming from, and that he wants this to be something we can do on our own.
That being said, I am not sure my husband has any idea what all this involves. I think he thinks it WILL be like Knocked Up, where my water breaks, we rush to the hospital, and 45 minutes later I push and out comes baby. I mean, we could be there for like, 24+ hours, and at that point, I'm thinking he's going to look at someone else there as not an intruder, but a blessing so he can take a break.
I also think that this special time has to do a bit about your relationship with your husband. This is a time that you need to rely on him, and he needs to have the opportunity to show that he can support you.
If your mother is standing over his shoulder or jumping in and not giving him a chance, it takes away from that husband/wife bond.
@Tatum: Have you discussed that with him? I think most guys do realize giving birth isn't like the movies, but I think you really need to talk to him about it and find a plan that works for both of you!
I'm of the opinion that your needs trump his, in this instance. This topic is usually a sticky one so it's good that you're discussing it now. My husband and I had a semi-awkward convo about not having his mother in the labor room. I'm sorry, I just don't want her to see me in that state of being! Anyway, I think having your mom there will be perfect for the extra support you may need. Moms just get it, ya know?
I am an only child and very close to my mother. I have an 8 year old and I am due to give birth to my second baby Aug. 20th. I think if its important to your husband, then you should have mom wait outside, or be in there while you labor- but then leave for the pushing. It is a special time for the two of you- you know... the ones who were there when the baby was made. I have never understood having more people in the delivery room- totally just my opinion though.
@Tatum: Are you going to continue to doubt his ability to be a partner to you when the two of you have a child? You already seem to be turning to your parents before you have this baby, what about when your having a tough time with your child? Are you always going to want your parents to be there first and think your husband is incapable of helping you raise your child as well? When will you be able to put faith in your husband that he will be there and will work had to do what is best for the two of you?
If you don't think he understands the situation then isn't it your job to educate him? Give him material to read or sit down and have a frank conversation with him about how delivery really goes rather then TV specials. If he wants to be apart of the delivery you need to make the effort to make him a part of it not just fit him in where your comfortable. He is your husband and if he says he wants to be apart of it and he will support you then you need to take a leap of faith and instill your trust in him.
@Tatum: That's why I said that it will most likely be completely different than you think! Like, I didn't think my mom would just be crocheting in the corner while Mr. Cannon and I were doing crossword puzzles when I was at 5cm. I thought it would be action and terrible pain the entire time. It was bad pain sometimes, and goofing off a lot of the time. I imagined it being a big dramatic thing, but instead it was just kiind of this thing that happened all the sudden. I felt a lot differently about it than I thought I would, and things were a lot different than I imagined. It was less crazy and there was a lot more blood. :)
I had my mother and my FI in the room with me when I delivered our son. My dad was also there (he brought me my favorite popsickles bless his heart) But he left as soon as my contractions started to get bad and was in pain. Then daddy got outta there as fast as he could. LOL But I think I can understand where he is coming from wanting the special moment to be just you and him.. But what he has to realize is it wouldnt be just you and him anyways. There is a dr. all the nurses, and if you want your mom there and that is what is going to make you more comfortable, then I think you should have her there.
When I had my first child I had my mom, aunt, and grandmother there along with the midwife and NICU team. I was in labor for 4 days and my son's father had passed away when I was pregnant so it wasn't an option to have him there.
This time around I will have my husband, (hopefully the baby waits till after the wedding to get here), his mom, my mom, the midwife and possibly my aunt and grandmother again as well. To me family is important and we are both very close to our parents so it is not an issue. We have not had this discussion but I know he feels the same way. After the first time in labor I lost all modesty when it comes to being in labor and having people present.
My mom came and to check in and say hi once in awhile after i got my epidural. I think my husband went down to get food while she was in there at one point, but it may have been the student nurses then and not my mom either way it was good for him to get a break and he didnt want to eat in front of me.
My mom wasnt there for delivery but came like a half hour afterwards. she took a bunch of pics of baby with husband and me with baby so that was good. and i was impressed she didnt overstep but just was taking it all in and offering help when needed.
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