Is my sister being a horrible friend?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
1716 posts
Bumble bee

I think she’s acting basically how she’s always acted. 

I understand that you’re disappointed and taken aback by her behavior, but this is how she is. In order for her to do what you would like her to do, she would have to act like or become a completely different person. Now, that doesn’t mean what you want is unreasonable, because it isn’t. It’s just not likely to happen with your sister. She’s a different kind of person. 

Since this isn’t new behavior, I think shrugging it off might be the right thing to do. 

She may be your sister, but that doesn’t mean you have to try to keep a close, friendly relationship. If it’s not there, it’s not there, and trying to keep it going may just lead to frustration and dissapointment over and over again. That doesn’t mean you should be mean or cut her out of your life completely, just that the relationship isn’t going to be what you would like if to be unless something major happens or changes. 

Post # 3
332 posts
Helper bee

texaslemon:  Sorry, but the world doesn’t revolve around you. She doesn’t need to plan her engagement or life around your wedding, just like you don’t have to agree with how she behaves in her own relationship. Yes, it’s sucky she isn’t more excited about your wedding. However, maybe she just thinks as little of you as you so clearly do about her.

Post # 5
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

PoliticallyIncorrect:  I agree that the world doesn’t revolve around any bride, but the thing is, it sounds like the sister IS planning her engagement around OP’s wedding intentionally… but to line up with it, not avoid it.

texaslemon:  I wouldn’t worry. One, her bf has to want to propose then, too – it’s not just your sister’s decision. Two, unless the proposal (god forbid) happens at your wedding, you’ll both get your moment.

Post # 6
628 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

To back you up texaslemon: i would feel really hurt if my only sister didn’t want to come to my bachelorette party, (and since its a spa relaxing day- who doesn’t want to do this ever?) like you said its not like it’s a big party and she’s not into that (or wasn’t at one time).

As someone who is VERY close to my own sister, if I saw her acting differently around a guy that would be a red flag for me. (Especially if they are talking marriage) she will ultimately be unhappy for settling with this guy.

I noticed you are 25 and she is 29, maybe she’s rushing the engagement bit because she’s a bit jealous that her “little” sister is getting married before her? I think it’s in bad taste for him to propose to her ON your wedding day but around it?? ehh thats kind of a gray area… If it happens be supportive, show her what a supportive sister does and maybe she will learn the error of her ways….

Good Luck!

Post # 7
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I do agree that it seems a little intentional I mean who says they plan on getting engaged in 4 months like that’s quite a little ways out to be so specific. It just comes off kind of random. 

Post # 8
290 posts
Helper bee

PoliticallyIncorrect:  But she is planned her life around OP’s wedding…. hence why she’s choosing to get engaged at that time lol. If it wasn’t important to her to get engaged right at the time of OP’s wedding, she’s have no problem with waiting at least a few days/a week after. It’s kind of obvious what she’s doing.

Post # 9
2173 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Well OP, you said yourself you were relieved when she said no because you didn’t want her as a BM, so…

I think you’re more sad about your lack of relationship with your sister, and not with that she doesn’t want to do activities for the wedding. I’m not her, but if it were me, I would suck up and do stuff I didn’t really want to do for someone I was actually close with.

And yes, spa days seem non-offensive, but honestly, if I ever decide to indulge in a spa day, I don’t want to spend it with anyone- I would want to relax on my own. That’s just me though.

As far as the relationship, there is nothing wrong with this being only her second boyfriend and wanting to settle down, as it were, assuming they are both happy and arenmr headed towards a destructive path. The drinking like a fish comment is possibly a yellow flag, but it’s all relative To how you define it. Plus it’s the honeymoon stage, I assume, and she’a surrounded by talk of weddings. Of course she might feel an urge to plan her own.

Unless she and her boy publicly announce their engagement at the wedding (or weddjng-related activity), I don’t think she’s stealing the spotlight or anything. There’s possibly a very valid reason someone would want to get engaged in a specific season or month or week or date. Heck, I’ve heard of proposals here at the start of deer hunting season because that was an important thing for the couple.

Post # 10
7030 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

texaslemon:  If you don’t really get on (which was the case with me and my sister when we were younger) then an all weekend bachelorette with you would be torture for her (just like it would have been for me with my younger sister and her friends). She doesn’t need to give a whole weekend of her time to your bachelorette. There is nothing wrong with her skipping it and it’ll probably be more fun without her anyway.

She can get engaged when she wants. I think the week leading up to your wedding is a bit rude, but before that, or any time after your wedding (even the day after) is fine. I know a couple who were so touched by my wedding that they got engaged soon after, and I was overjoyed.

Post # 11
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

texaslemon:  It seems that your sister is an introvert.  Introverts find it draining to be around noisy groups of people for long periods of time and they need to recharge by being quietly alone.  As a fellow introvert, I would find it incredibly difficult to be away from home and having to be social with a bunch of family, friends and aquaintences.  It’s too much stimulation for me and after awhile it just becomes painful.  It’s worth asking if she would come to the bachelor party for a few hours or for a couple of drinks, but these kinds of functions are torture for introverts.  Don’t take it personally.

As for your sister getting engaged/married around the same time as you, let it go.  Her happiness doesn’t take away anything from your happiness.  You’re entitled to one day, not months of being the center of attention.

Post # 12
1231 posts
Bumble bee

** “As someone who is VERY close to my own sister, if I saw her acting differently around a guy that would be a red flag for me. (Especially if they are talking marriage) she will ultimately be unhappy for settling with this guy.”  +1000000000


Post # 14
113 posts
Blushing bee

Unfortunatly some people are just attention seeking. She’s proberbly a bit embaressed that her younger sister is getting married before her. I’d take whatever she’s saying about getting married around the same time as you with a pretty huge pinch of salt. She hasn’t been seeing him long and once the dust have settled and the rose tinted glasses have cleared her situation may change.

I agree with you about women who change themselves for men (I see men do that for women too) but generally those relationships dont last because the one thats pretending can’t keep it up. You never know tho, I’ve known people who after a few months got married and have been together over 30 years.

I agree with the others that she sounds like an introvert, Im introverted too, and although I can keep up the persona of being socialable when the need calls for it I find it physically exhausting. I have a friend who hasnt… learnt to deal with it? In the same way I have. She will flat out refuse to come out so she can sit in her room and watch childrens TV, it’s resulted in her being left out of events. Because there comes a point when your invited to important life events where others would appreciate your company, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s sad that she can’t suffer it for a few hours so she can experience your bachlorette and take part in that important event, but thats her decision. You extended the hand, you invited her, she rejected it.

If IfShe gets engaged/married in November, just try and let it wash over you. On your day people will be discussing you. If anyone says anything just brush it off with feelings of happiness for her ‘Oh isn’t it lovely that we’re sisters and can share this special life event at the same time’. Its not the reaction she’d want you to have, she’d want to cause a conflict, but it makes you the better and more classy person.

Post # 15
3432 posts
Sugar bee

To me personally, I’m an introvert, I don’t like being in big groups and am totally content with being with myself and etc. HOWEVER, my husband and I are still social and I’m always very supportive of whatever he wants to do even if it’s a social events as OP’s sister could be (even if she’s an introvert).

I think this is more “My younger sister is settling down sooner than I am” syndrome.  I wouldn’t stress over it too much and just focus on your happiness.  You can’t change your sister, and make her want to be happy or engaged with your wedding process.  Don’t force it, but her behavior suggests she may need counseling if she’s done a 180 in personality.

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