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Well, that's hard. *sigh* why people can't just relax and put themselves aside for one weekend is beyond me.
It seems like there is a pattern here, as you mentioned "Everytime something doesn't go her way, she pitches a fit and my mom fixes it and I feel like this is like the ONE time that it's my turn." You're absolutely right about that. I really think that you need to sit down with your sister (and your mom too if necessary) and tell them both that this is the seating chart. Period. There will be no "fixing". They need to either accept it for an hour and a half and behave themselves, or they can choose not to come. Their call.
Wow, did you sister forgot to buy some big girl panties? I think she skipped that part altogether!
Sorry you have to put up with this. Have you tried being firm and just telling her that while you're sorry she isn't completely satisfied with the seating arrangement, you put a lot of time and thought into it, and that is the best you can do? And when it is her turn, she can seat you wherever she likes!
Hiya,
That does seem a lil bit pathetic if she can't put you first just for one day. It's your wedding babes, so stick to your guns on this one. Isthere a specific reason why she's being like this or is she just always a bit of a brat? Perhaps if she's always been the centre of attention she's finding it hard to share the limelight. Whatever her reasons, don't let her ruin this for you.
Do you have another family member who couldhave a wee chat with her?xxx
Ugh - sorry your sister is making things difficult for you. I think for starters you have to tell your mom you don't want to hear things about your sister. If your sister has an issue with something, tell your mom to encourage your sister to talk to YOU about it.
You can't control who your sister vents to - and, since making a bee line for your mom is her usually method of operation, I wouldn't think that's going to stop any time soon.
If your mom balks at your request, just stand your ground, change the subject, or get off the phone/leave the room. You've got to make some boundaries for youself, or else you'll always fight this battle.
What did your sister do at your shower?
Regardless, I know how you feel because I'm having a similarly difficult time with my sister. It's like my wedding has turned into some competitive thing for her and she can't stand to see the spot light on me. The only thing you can do is try to be patient and polite with her and do everything to stand your ground and not lose your cool. You'd think that of all people, your sister would be the one to be supportive, but unfortunately, it's not working out that way.
I'd say just leave things be re: the RD. If she comes back to you and says she'd like to be seated elsewhere, come up with a backup plan or ask her where she'd prefer to be sat and don't make a big deal about it (it will only give her more fuel). I only say this because it sounds like you told her it can be changed, if she'd like. Normally, I'd tell her something like - I'm sorry you don't like it but hopefully you'll find a way to enjoy yourself.
Your sister is likely going through her own issues that are arising because of the wedding and the family time together. Do your best to not get sucked in to whatever drama she's creating - I know it's much easier said than done.
I may have some experience with these issues. The only thing that I found that worked for more drama inclined people in my wedding is to take the wind out of their sails by not feeding into it. One said, "I don't like the dress." I said, "Fine, you can wear anything you want in the same color" (She wore the dress). One said, "I don't like the boys outfits." I said, "Fine, pick something you like." One said, "I want to wear flip flops". I said, "As long as you feel comfortable wearing extremely casual shoes with your dress, I'm fine with it. Everyone else is wearing heels."
Once it became clear that I wasn't going to escalate the drama, it just sort of all fell away. The boys wore the ties I wanted, the woman wore the dress I suggested, and there was not a flip-flop in sight.
So much about this is about perceived control and getting a rise out of you... Don't let that happen!
Honestly, if I were your sister, I'd like to sit with the rest of the family.
Can you reconfigure the tables to be one big table and just put the divorced parents at different ends?
But I agree with oracle that you need to tell your mom that you don't want to hear what your sister complains to her about.
"put on your big girl panties" ah hahahaha...... I love it.
I'm sorry that she is being so difficult :( and don't have any words of wisdom to share, but I loved that phrase and had to comment.
Hmm, I'll play devil's advocate and say that as your sister, I wouldn't want to sit at the in-law table, either.
Granted, if it were me, I would have sucked it up for one night, because really, dinner is what? like 45 mins? Then she can get up and sit wherever she pleases. I wouldn't have made a big deal about it.
But yeah, even if my sister and I weren't close, I'd still be hurt. I'd definitely feel like I was being cast aside, and honestly, I'd be a little embarassed what guests would think if I were sitting at the in-law table.
But yeah, the way she's complaining about everything is NOT acceptable.
Thanks everyone for the help, and I'd welcome any more advice/suggestions too!
@Miss Chapstick: I really appreciate your point of view. I guess we thought we would be appeasing the hostess (FMIL) by putting my sister (who she likes and says is "charming and funny") at her table. Sister was pretty upset when I passed on that compliment. eek! Anyway, my intention was not to leave her out, I just wanted to mix up the families a bit. My other sister (MOH) has never met my FFIL and her two stepkids will be there (who my mom hasn't seen in forever and HAS to be by her grandkids). It's like a logic puzzle with people's emotions! Any LSAT takers out there wanna tackle this one?hehe.
Seriously, thank you hive!
I agree with DG. I have an aunt who likes to cause problems because she is jealous of everyone especially of me. She called the other day trying to stir me up over my wedding cake. Said she talked to the bakery and they double booked my wedding day with another bride. I said hmm I just talked to them and they didn't say anything. Thanks for the heads up. It has been 2 weeks and the bakery hasn't called me. Why she took it upon herself to talk to them to begin with is beyond me.
I think in the future you shouldn't say anything to your sister about the wedding plans. I know you think you are making it easier on her to include her and not shock her, but in reality you are bring it to the forefront now and then it will be a problem from now til the wedding. I would move her for the RD. But don't tell her or your mom. Just don't bring it up again. If she wants to make a big deal out of nothing at your wedding then everyone else will see that the problem is her and not you.
i think the only solution would be to get a very big round table and make folks sit around it based on their age-oldest to youngest. or however King Arthur would have put people around the table. Or do a Mad Hatter tea party sort of thing, and have everyone get up and switch seats for a fresh cup of tea.
i hope your sis can put on her big girl panties for the wedding weekend. it's one thing to not be comfortable with the arrangements, it's another to not discuss it with you and run tell mom and hope she'll fix it.
let us know how it goes. i hope it works out for the best.
Just tell her you've already let FMIL (the hostess) know about the seating charts and that she'll be at FMIL's table and it would be extremely rude of her to pull out now. If she has a problem with your FMIL, let her be a mature adult and deal directly with your FMIL instead of dragging you and your mother into it.
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Generally, I love my family. However, nothing brings people's issues out of the woodwork quite like a wedding does. My oldest sister is reading scripture and a prayer for our ceremony. Although she's not a bridesmaid, I have made EVERY effort to include her on anything bridesmaid-y. In preparation for our rehearsal dinner with two divorced parents who can't stand being in the same room with each other and a super passive-agressive FMIL, FI and I made a seating chart. We placed FFIL at one table with my parents, and my MOH (other sister). At FMIL's table, we seated the BM (as per FMIL's request), our pastor, and my troublesome sister. Then, as to not show favorites, my FI and I are seated at a separate table from either of his parents with our college friends that we haven't seen in a few years.
I was going over the seating chart with troublesome sister, preparing her, because I know if I had just sprung this on her, then she would have pitched a hissy-fit (she's 31...do we understand why she isn't a bridesmaid?). When I told her that we had her seated with FMIL because FMIL told us how much she likes my sister, sister replied, "Well, I'll have to think about this."
Fine. Totally respectable. I told her she had 16 days to think about it and get back to me. ME. Not go bitch about it to my mom. Tada! The nest day my mom calls, demanding to know why we have to have a seating chart and why Sister has to sit with FMIL. I explained the situation and how upset I was that sister did not talk to me about her problems, but instead ran to mom to fix it. Mom understood why I put sister there, but keeps trying to get my sister moved to another table. Why can't my sister just put up with it for an hour and a half? OMG! It's not that big of a deal! There are other people at that table that my sister knows and likes. Besides, she's not hosting the RD! UGH!
She also made a stink about my bridal luncheon, which at this point, I just want to call her and say, "Look, if you can't put on your big girl panties for ONE WEEKEND, then just don't come, k?"
It's weird. I love my sister, I really do. But this happens all the time! Everytime something doesn't go her way, she pitches a fit and my mom fixes it and I feel like this is like the ONE time that it's my turn. I have no idea how to deal with this. I've given myself a week of not saying anything to her because I know if I say something now, it will have HUGE ramifications. :(