Post # 1
Hi Bees, I’m new here and don’t post much of anything online, but I’ve been lurking around boards like this for inspiration for my wedding.
If anyone has some feedback or advice (or encouragement), any would be appreciated. Here’s the cause of my bummed-out-ness:
My fiance and I have been together for almost seven years. We have a wonderful relationship; he’s everything I’m not and vice versa. We have two children together and live together, but we’ve never gotten married. Now, don’t get me wrong, we’re completely committed to each other and both view our relationship as permanent, we’ve just never had the paperwork done or a ceremony or anything to make it official.
I guess we just felt there wasn’t any hurry. For many couples, having a wedding is the catalyst to starting a life together, beginning a family, and so forth. But, we’ve already done that; it seems like getting married wouldn’t change much, and I wouldn’t expect it to. My concern is with the wedding.
I’m not the kind of girl who has dreamed about and planned her wedding from childhood, but I still kind of want one (not just a courthouse affair, although there’s nothing wrong with that). But what’s the point of having a wedding when we’re already full swing into our lives as a couple? I hold to the opinion that a wedding is a celebration of the couple’s commitment to each other with family and friends, and I would have a wedding just for that reason if I didn’t have such a terrible relationship with most of my family. Even the ones I get along with and would be happy for me might not come because I live so far away and so many people in my family get remarried so often that another wedding seems… well, pointless.
Sorry this is a bit long, I just don’t have many wedding/marriage-minded friends who would care to hear me talk about it.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Missmurianne: I don’t think it’s pointless! FI and I live together, are committed, etc. so literally nothing will change after the wedding except for rings on our fingers 🙂
Maybe you want something more casual? Are you worried about spending the money?
Post # 4
No your wedding is not pointless, you said it yourself a wedding is a celebration of the couple’s commitment to each other. It’s a celebration of the life you share together. Have you ever thought that your family might be more willing to attend your wedding because the commitment in your relationship is obvious and it is not likely that you will be remarried?
Post # 5
@Missmurianne: I am not sure it’s pointless, but you need to be realistic about it. You could make a small, intimate ceremony special and a bit more fancy than a traditional courthouse wedding, you know.
Family/friends are what they are. You can’t change that.
We are opting to elope because neither family is particularly interested in a wedding… not because they’re bad people or anything. Also, his family lives far away. I don’t have a big family. We’re two homebodies and don’t have a ton of friends so having a big wedding would be pointless since we’d be uncomfortable and have to invite a bunch of acquaintances to fill up seats.
Involve your kids in the wedding. Invite some close friends. Only invite family you know will come and be supportive. Pick out elements of a traditional wedding that you love.
I don’t think it’s pointless at all if you can afford it and that’s what you want… you just need to work with what you have. It sounds like it would be silly to rent out a big ballroom if you don’t expect a lot of guests. It also doesn’t end well when you expect more of people than you know they’re willing to give. It’s ok to be optimistic, but you also need to be realistic.
Post # 6
definitely not pointless if you want it! perhaps the traditional 200 person sit down dinner at a banquet hall isnt your thing but you could do a few dozen friends (and whatever family came) to a nice dinner in a private room. you could rent a vscation house and have a big bbq type party w the kids. you can take.just your immediate family (fh and kids) on a fun vacation and get married there….. there are so many options outside the ‘norm’
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
OP- maybe change your thinking from a traditional family wedding, to a celebration with your children and friends. You could have the wedding at your house, for example, which can be beautiful and incredibly meaningful. You’re right- your day to day life won’t change, however that’s no reason not to celebrate your union! 🙂
Maybe look at creative venues, someplace that has had meaning for you and your partner, or for your entire family. A museum, a park, a theatre, etc. If your family loves camping, why not get married on a camping trip? Or at the beach, or Disney?
Post # 8
Honey, I wanted to elope and DH wanted a wedding. Then I thought about it and I just love to throw a good party so that’s what we did. We had been together for 2.5 years…there is nothing wrong with doing it after 7. I think your friends and fam would be happy for you no matter how long you took! 🙂
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
It’s totally not pointless! You could even do it with just your kids and a few close people. It’s about celebrating your commitment with eachother as well and it will feel good to take that step!
Post # 10
Thank you all for your feedback. In response to some of your concerns:
Of course, money is always an issue, but I’m sure I could manage to pull off a ceremony that I could enjoy and be proud of. My preliminary guest list is less than 50 people, so it certainly would be small.
As a clarification, I suppose my biggest concern is with my parents. I do feel like a wedding should be a celebration by the families of the couple, but my parents (who are divorced but independently feel the same way) are still wainting for me to “come to my senses” and break up with my fiance, like we were casually dating or something. If I were to invite only the people who would be happy for me, it would be a small wedding indeed.
Would it be worse to have my parents come to my wedding anyway, disliking the marriage the whole time?
Post # 11
@Missmurianne: What about an outdoor less formal affair. Check out the recaps boards. There are soooo many outdoor weddings that are so beautiful. I think you should totally have a wedding. Invite who you want and leave it to them whether to come or not. Do it for you and your SO, not for anyone else 🙂
Post # 12
I know this is not a popular opinion around here, but I think that 90% of a wedding is nothing but a party. You have the 10% that is the ceremony and legal stuff, but really the rest is just fluff. As such, you can have any kind of party you want. If you want to rent out a huge ballroom then do it. If you want to go to the Carribean with just your FI and your children and have a ceremony there then do that. Hell, if you want all your nearest and dearest to join you for a quick ceremony and then a group skydive jump as a reception then do that. My point is that you do have the option of thinking outside the box and doing something that will make you and your FI happy.
Post # 13
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@Missmurianne: Would it be worse to have my parents come to my wedding anyway, disliking the marriage the whole time?
That probably depends on how outspoken they are about their thoughts.
Post # 14
I don’t think it’s pointless. Your wedding will be a celebration of your commitment to one another — this commitment isn’t one that starts the day you say “I do”. You’re celebrating one that has been there for 7 years.
Post # 15
Thank you for your encouragement and some lovely ideas. I guess I was looking for reassurance that I wasn’t going to be wasting my time and money planning a wedding to satisfy a selfish notion that that my union be recognized. And I think I’ve found that reassurance 🙂 Thank you 🙂
Post # 16
@Missmurianne: My fiance and I are in the same situation. Nothing will change for us except rings and my last name. 🙂 We’ve also both been married before. Both courthouse weddings, and we don’t want to do that again. But we also don’t want a big elaborate wedding either.
I started out thinking we’d do a destination wedding in Savannah, Ga with our immediate family (parents and siblings, and their children) which ends up being around 20 people. Then I thought we’d do the same thing here instead of in Savannah. Now I’m thinking we should elope to Savannah. With a reception here sometime after. If we do a reception, it’ll still be pretty small and probably at our house. Probably potluck style. More of a get together where we show off the wedding pictures, and just have a good time with our family and friends. 🙂