(Closed) IS OUR WEDDING OFF: Cold Feet vs Common Sense?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Sounds like he has something in his mind that’s bothering him … Instead of making guesses, can you try to talk to him directly?  Don’t blame or complain, just ask from his point of view if there’s anything wrong?

Post # 4
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

oh man!!! yeah, you need to talk to the guy! ask him if hes okay, or whats going if there is something wrong, just speak your feelings without pointing fingers or being emotional.  it sounds like something is definitely going on if your feeling this way. it could be your projecting? my man isnt too involved with the wedding planning. he says whatever i want will be what he wants.. blah blah blah, but we have a year to go so im not getting my panties in a wad over it just yet… girl, i think you just need to have a serious talk with him. you will feel so much better to know whats going on as opposed to guessing! check out the new real simple mag… theres a lot of good relationship reading in there! good luck!!! 

Post # 5
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

yeah, you need to have a heart to heart.

I don’t know if he’s open, but were you guys going to do any sort of pre-marital counseling?

Post # 6
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I just read your post MrsS2B to my FI to get a man’s perspective on your situation and he said, "You can’t analyze a situation like that from the outside. On paper he is acting like a jerk, sure, but maybe there is something going on. Talk to him. The end."

I don’t think you have cold feet…you have raised more than a few serious issues that need to be resolved before you walk down the aisle with this man. Talk to him first but I think glittergrl is right. Pre-Marital counseling might help you two resolve these issues.

(And for the record, I went back and found your post about the ring. I don’t think you were being immature and bitchy… you shouldn’t have to live with a ring you don’t like!) 

Post # 7
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

Chances are he’s closed himself emotionally. I think it would be better for you to talk to him directly. Stop guessing.

If he wants to avoid the topic or ignores you and wants to do something else remind him that this wedding…as romantic as it should be is also business…don’t get married it if all you’ll be doing is throwing $ away. Get married when he’s 100% sure that’s what he wants.

I’m sorry you’re in that situation.

 

Post # 8
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Ditto everyone else on talking to him directly. Just make sure you aren’t being confrontational or angry or he’s going to shut down even more. And try to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Ie: "I feel like we’ve been growing apart" vs "You are ignoring me." GL!

Post # 9
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

My FI hasn’t been too involved with the wedding.. actually anything I’ve asked him to do either I’ve still done it or his parents have. (he’s living in another town and he’s busy with military commitments) But he still says how he’s excited to get married.

There was a point when I was worried about him having cold feet about the wedding.. so I talked to him and he was worried about  money! So I stewed about him not being excited to get married and he was just concerned we didn’t have enough money to have a "perfect" wedding. Since that talk we’ve been on the same page and I make sure to ask him how he’s feeling and he’s really opened up since then. Sometimes you just have to ask! Men are confusing! 

Post # 10
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

Honestly, go with your women instinct! Don’t make excuses for each of his actions! You know him the best! You can tell that something is obviously on his mind. He seems to be withdrawing! You need to make him understand you want to sit down and talk face to face with no distractions! Get him to open up to you! You have to reconnect! Life gets so busy, especially when you have a child. Remind him why you two are together in the first place!

Post # 11
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

If you don’t feel like you can talk to him because of the inattentiveness, maybe have him read this post–for me it’s always easier to express how i feel on paper and maybe he’d be more apt to really apy attention if he sees it in writing.  best of luck to you

Post # 12
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

no one knows FI better than you do!  so definitely don’t ignore your gut feeling if it is telling you that something is wrong.  can you also talk to anyone else that is close to him that might know what’s going on?  his parents, siblings, good friends?

but most importantly, talk to him yourself!  good luck.

Post # 13
Bee
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

Try some pre-wedding counseling to get out all the issues?

You’ll probably be fine (it may just be stress) but my fiance’s cousin had very similar issues with her FI and they ended up calling off the wedding and splitting up due to his non-interest in their relationship and commitment issues.

Good luck to you! 

Post # 14
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

i hope that when you talk to him it sheds some light on this issue. i agree with all the coversation advice above. i definitely wouldnt ignore it and let it slide.

also, a lot of men open up more when you are "doing something"..if he’s withdrawn. sitting down on the couch with the tv off and you son down for a nap is probably gonna make his run even deeper inside of himself…. maybe you guys could go bowling, discuss it while he is driving (if you can get in the car) or something like that…..this seems to make many (but not necessarily all) men comfortable.

also, like a poster above, my FI seemed to not be as excited about planning as me and i called him on it….turns out he was concerned with how we were going to pay for the wedding too. Guys go thru a transition….once he slips the ring on your finger he’s taken up a huge load of responsibility in his mind…he’s got to work thru that.

 I wish you the best of luck with things. Please update us on how it goes…..

Blessings!

Post # 15
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Yeah I would have "the talk" and see if anything changes.  If this is how he’s acting now and you’re unhappy, I’m not sure if it’s going to change after the wedding.    Wedding aside, it’s not good that’s he’s not involved in your relationship.   

Maybe you should straight out bring up your doubts about getting married, and see whether he starts focusing on money and family or your relationship in his response.  Usually that says a lot about his priorities.

Post # 16
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I agree that you really need to talk with him.  It may be that he’s having his own emotional jitters about the whole wedding thing, and this is just how he responds.  Or it may be that this is what he thinks a "married" relationship is like – he does what he likes, and you hang with the kids and your girlfriends.  If you look around at your friends and family, you’ll probably see that a lot of people have that kind of relationship.  My parents do – they each have their own friends and hobbies, and they even take separate vacations most of the time.

Whether that kind of relationship is what your FI expects, or whether it is acceptable to you, is theoretically the kind of thing you discuss before you get engaged – but if you didn’t get around to addressing it then, now is a good time.  My FI and I share most of the household tasks – laundry, cooking, shopping, and all the wedding stuff.  I’ve been told (on this website) that he is not the norm, and I certainly know that.  However, I was never willing to settle for the kind of guy who thinks it’s okay to leave me in the living room doing all the work for a party that WE are throwing together, while he’s out golfing with the guys.  The 1950s are supposed to be over, but in fact most married women now work 40 hours a week (or more) and still do 80% of the housework and child care.  That’s ridiculous.  Those kind of issues are something that you need to straighten out right now – your instinct is completely right – before you end up married to a guy who wants something completely different from a relationship than you do.

And maybe it is just a temporary thing – but I think it’s also important to establish an expectation that when you have issues, you talk about them with your partner – as opposed to withdrawing and hanging with your buddies – because in the long run the ability to communicate is going to be what makes or breaks the relationship.  Might as well start working on it now.

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