Is she a friend? Opinions wanted.

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Seems like this friendship is pretty much one way to me. Then again, people can only do to you what you let them.

Post # 4
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think you can say whether a person is actually your friend over BM dress alterations.   I am a temp attorney myself, and if we ask to take any time off we are treated horribly.  I’m not sure I understand why she needs to travel for the alterations. Can’t she just get them done where she lives?  I’ve never had a dress altered with the bride.  It was always done on our own.  I’m not sure why she would take unpaid time off work, and then travel 7 hours to get a dress altered. 

 

Post # 5
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@TaurianDoll:  I agree that the friendship does seem a little “one way”, but it also seems like the kind of friendship where you just know what to expect.  Meaning, I have a friend who is ALWAYS late.  It annoys the crap out of me. But I otherwise value our friendship and CHOOSE to continue being her friend despite the fact that she’s always late.  But, because I know this about her and understand it’s not going to change, I accept it and I don’t say anything about it.  I could choose not to accept it and stop being her friend because it annoys me.

You knew what your friend was like when you asked her to be your attendant and yet you asked her anyway.  It seems you could have expected this much (or little) effort from her going in.  She’s n doing anything other than what you would anticipate from her.

If she’s unable to get her dress altered, you might have to ask her to step down as attendant, or figure out a plan B… but I don’t think you can really be mad at her for being who she is.

 

Post # 9
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I always try to think that some friends are good for some things and some friends are good for other things.  I am sorry she won’t do things your way just this one time, but I am willing to bet she is/still wants to be your friend.

Post # 10
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

It seems like your friend has been through a lot.  I gather that she is in massive student loan debt, has struggled with employment, and has been through a tumultous relationship and subsequent divorce.  You make her seem like she’s a bad person but to me it seems like she’s just trying to get by after a rough time.  Yes you have done a lot for her, but I don’t think her being unable to travel 7 hours on her one day off makes her a bad friend.  I think you should put yourself in her shoes instead of judging her.

Post # 13
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

She seems to be a user, and honestly, as much as you care for her, I’d recommend you distance yourself. She’s not a real ‘friend’ in the way that we define it.  It seems that she has no concept of what she means to you or of how her actions affect you. She views you as an enabler and will continue to make herself the most important priortity. This situation’s not good for you, or for her.

Post # 14
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

@TaurianDoll:  No problem.  It’s easy to look at a situation from the outside and see things differently, but in your situation I’d probably be frustrated too.  In the end you’ll have a perfect wedding day and you won’t even remember all of the annoying moments that lead up to it

Post # 15
Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you should just give her the dress to get altered on her own.  You can send it to her 2 mos before the wedding, just enough time for her to take it for alterations, to minimize the risk of something happening to it since her home life isn’t very stable.  If she hasn’t already bought the dress, maybe consider having her be a part of the wedding in another way (ie. a reader, like many bees opt to have friends or family do), so that you won’t have the stress of worrying about her ability to pay for things, but still honor her as your friend.

It’s a shame that she won’t make the effort that you wish she would, but it’s also kind of understandable, because that is a long way to go for alterations.  Ultimately, you have to do what is going to cause you the least amount of stress, so take a deep breath and just let it all go.

Post # 16
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MrsTVLover:  I always try to think that some friends are good for some things and some friends are good for other things.  I am sorry she won’t do things your way just this one time, but I am willing to bet she is/still wants to be your friend.

That’s exactly right. Certain things you just can expect them from certain people. It has nothing to do with you, this is who they are. She has shown you time and time again that she’s slightly flakish and her personal life seems to be in constant state of flux/disary, So no, she’s not going to all of sudden change who she’s been all along. Sorry OP. 

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