Post # 1
My fiancée and I (we are both female) have been engaged for two months, and have been together for 8 years next week. Ever since she proposed, things have been a bit rough between. This includes her being in a strange and weird mood after she proposed. She claimed she felt like she wasn’t engaged, and that she never thought she would be the one to ask, but would be the one being asked. We’ve been arguing a lot. After painfully searching for the perfect ring, I gave it to her two weeks ago. Lately she has been saying to me that she feels as though she is being “haunted by marriage” due to seeing friends posting photos of their weddings and weddings they have gone too online, as well as characters in TV shows getting married. She has said that she feels “bashful about being engaged” and that she hasn’t yet felt the joy in getting married. I’ve asked her what she means by “haunted” and she claims it’s just everything she is seeing, and maybe she truly means to say something different, but it just sounds so negative coming from her. Has anyone hear either felt or thought these kinds of things, or known someone who has? It’s not as though we have gotten engaged and then said nothing about it, we will be taking engagement photos next week, have picked our date,planned our table settings and venue, decided who we will ask to stand up with us, and many more details. I’m afraid to ask her to try and explain herself a bit better because I’ve been trying to avoid arguments with her and am afraid of what her true answer would be. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.
Post # 2
Maybe it’s because society makes same sex couples feel so terrible about getting married. Everyone deserves a fairy tale wedding but the media makes it hard to feel good about it when all you see everywhere is heterosexual couples and their “fairy tale” weddings. It’s really not fair.
Post # 3
It sounds like the romance of getting married hasn’t hit her… it sounds like she really wants to! Have you thought about setting up some sort of romantic proposal for her?! I think she would love it! A big surprise! Maybe you can present to her another ring, like a stand-in ring… or an upgrade! Or even the wedding band.
What about hanging out with other married couples? Talking to a bunch of wives this weekend about wedding details and attending a wedding really made it exciting for me again.
Post # 4
I agree with PP — how did you give her the ring? She mentioned wanting the proposal, could you do something super romantic? If you already gave her a ring, you could give her something else that’s sweet (or offer to go get it cleaned before engagement shoot, then say you wanted to give it to her properly?)
Post # 5
dancingbear1188: Don’t dance around the issue anymore, you’ve got to get to the bottom of this and figure out why she is feeling this way. Is she not excited about marriage? Is everything moving too quickly for her? I mean it has been 8 years; why propose if she wasn’t looking forward to it? It doesn’t make sense unless she felt pressured.
Post # 6
dancingbear1188: ummmm just throwing my perspective in here.
I hated being engaged. I hated planning a wedding. I hated the attention. I thought it would be the happiest time and it wasn’t. The stress was too much.
I have been married a year. I love being married. I love my husband dearly. I love our life together. For me, everything fell into place after we said I Do and got back to our normal life.
I was not a good fiancee, i am a wonderful wife. It could be she is feeling the same way?
Post # 7
I was that person. We got engaged and picked a date that gave us two years to plan the wedding. I flat out didn’t want to talk about, think about, or have anything to do with the wedding for the first YEAR. I LOVE my fiance – he is absolutely the person I want to be with, but for me it was more because of this:
1. I HATE romance. Rom coms make me barf, I’m just not a “girly girl” in that sense. I felt like there was this expectation that I would just swoon and start becoming that person and I think it was my internal resistance to that.
2. My ex cheated on me and it made me super uncomfortable with getting excited for a future with someone – I felt like I always had my guard up
3. It’s STRESSFUL. There’s so much to do and decide and I felt like I had so much time, so I was just going to sweep it under the rug and start thinking about it when the time came.
Never once did it have ANYTHING to do with my fiance. And you know what happened? This summer we went to someone elses wedding and it kicked me into overdrive and now I’m in wedding planning mode 24/7. Long story short, my take is to not worry about it, she’ll come around.
Post # 8
It sounds to me that she has imagined her wedding and being engaged as something absolutely huge and magical, and that its not quite living up to the expectations. I think alot of people go through something similar when they realise its not all that TV and movies make it out to be. I think this shows when she said she always expected getting proposed to- growing up we all imagine this great grand proposal and romantic gestures and in reality, its just different (amazing still but just different). Obviously when she proposed she knew that it would be different, but she might not have prepared for how she would feel after. When you are proposed to you get that excitement- that feeling of suprise (even when you know its coming) but having done all the planning herself she never had that feeling. I dont think this means she has cold feet though- more that it just doesnt feel as real or exciting as she thought it would (alot of people also feel this when they realise they can’t afford everything they wanted for the wedding). I think if you could- a nice romantic gesture would be great and might remind her that this is actually happening. You could take her out for a suprise picnic with really good food and champagne as a ‘Were getting married omfg!’ and give her a small present – just a little token or something she can wear on the wedding day. She just needs reminders of how special it all really is.
Post # 9
Maybe it isn’t the marriage, but the wedding that has her feeling this way? Maybe she would rather have a small, intimate wedding, than the lavish kind you see on TV?
It sounds more like cold feet, or stress. I thinks she still loves you and wants to be with you. Maybe you two just need to have a heart to heart. Don’t be afraid of what she’ll say, because if you don’t talk it out, you’re going to be constantly wondering.
Post # 10
dancingbear1188: maybe what she means is all she is seeing and hearing about is weddings. They’re everywhere. Maybe do something that focuses on you that’s fun, something that has absolutely nothing to do with weddings, wedding planning, or getting married. It’s really easy to get swept up in wedding world and forget that there’s more happening. I know I annoyed DH with everything wedding at first – like you we’d been together 8 years by the time we were engaged. He was shocked at how quickly everything turned wedding after the engagement.
Out of curiosity – did you give your FW a romantic proposal? She said that she always thought would be proposed to – maybe she’s feeling a little left out of the romance?
Post # 11
MsGinkgo: The way I proposed was not quite as grand as hers, which did upset her. I chose to do it at home, rather than on vacation as she did. It was close and personal, and she did say it wasn’t what she had been hoping for, but she was very happy, and mentions loving her ring every day. Next week we are going on a small vacation to celebrate our dating anniversary for the last time and I have been planning some surprises for that trip- I have arranged for roses and champagne to be in the room of the inn we will be staying in, as well as a few other small things. I’m hoping it will help her to feel better about everything.
Post # 12
KateA17: We are going away next week to celebrate our “last dating anniversary” and I do have some romantic surprises planned (see my reply to msginko). I’m hoping it will help her feel special. She’s just been seeming to feel so negative about this whole experience, and it worries me.
Post # 13
spiffanee: I don’t think she has ever been pressured by me, but she has mentioned the fact that we have been together so long that she hopes we are not wasting each other’s time. We have both had school to finish up before anything could be thoroughly planned for our future. It is a stressful time due to money being tight, but I have faith that everything will work out as it is meant to. I just don’t know if she is holding on to the same thoughts.