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I kept hearing this and was warned about it, but I haven't ran into it myself. But i had one friend nearly rip her hair out over how stressful being married was.
Nope, the last year of marriage is the hardest. Ba da dum! :P
Well, speaking as a divorced person, that's true! But did you just move in together after marriage or did you live with each other before? Sounds more like moving in pains to me...
@luckyprincess- It's a little odd but in order to save money to buy our house he moved in with my family. So while we didn't live together on our own we still were living with each other and knew every little pet peeve. It's like we knew each other's little things but suddenly after 6 yrs they are getting to both of us.
I think usually stupid arguements are really disguised as something else. Sometimes when we're stressed or something else is bugging us - it tends to come out in the weirdest way. Sounds like you two need to reconnect/touch base together and perhaps step out of a routine. Make sure you are connecting and have a date night... insert some fun.
I'm not married yet but I did move in with my FI about a year ago in our own house and I'll say that this year was both the best and the hardest year of our relationship. At first I found we were bickering a lot like you said-- but i think it was kind of because we were committed at that point (engagement and joint mortgage) and the stakes were a lot higher. Suddenly everything he did i was like "omg can i live with this for the next 60 years?????" and I blew it out of proportion.
Choose your battles.
I would try talking to him at a time when you aren't fighting. Calmly sit down with him and tell him that you want to discuss the fact that you are bickering a lot. Acknowledge that you know this is a 50/50 thing and that you aren't blaming him for the fighting because you know it's just as much your fault. Try to make a promise to each other to approach disagreements in a calm way and to respect each other's opinion. Two people are never going to agree on everything, but it's how you work out the disagreement that matters.
You know, I've done both too, except I was the one moving in with his family at one point. So although that's a pretty good run to find out if you're good at living together, I think that now that you're in the same space you'll have this bickering stage. It's just an adjustment period, imo and it causes stress. Good luck! :)
I found the first year to be pretty easy. It was farther along in the relationship when things became harder and more stressful. No matter how well you think you know someone, there can come a time when you wonder who's laying next to you in bed and what happened to the guy you thought you married?
Everyone has struggles. You have to find what works to resolve them in your particular relationship to help get you through life's challenges. Sometimes backing away is all you can do until things calm down. It can get better with a lot of patience, a ton of humor, and plenty of soul searching.
Best of luck.
I was also warned about this, but don't feel that this first year of being married has been difficult. HOWEVER- we did live together for almost 2 years by the time we were married- and I will say, that moving in together was EXTREMELY stressful- we fought all the time! Almost all of my friends who had stressful first years of marriage were couples who did not live together before getting hitched, so I think that the difficulties that came that first year had more to do with cohabitating than the marriage itself.
I have no idea! For laid back people it probably isn't any harder than any other year, but I have a feeling that during the engagement period, people are so happy in general that things that might have otherwise bugged them to the point of arguing about it just roll off their back. That, or both people are on their best behavior because they don't want to "taint" the engagement period with fighting so they just let stuff go, but then, once they're married, don't feel like they have to hold back any longer and just go back to fussing over stuff that bothers them.
I have heard that the 5th year of your relationship (whether it be married or dating or engaged, ect.) is the hardest.
Honestly, I don't think so. Maybe for some people, but my DH and I have never been happier and rarely fight or argue. What I find is that the people that "warned" you had a hard time and think it's like that for everyone.
I don't think it's the first year necessarily. Have there been some big changes recently or outside stress? I have found that when work get stressful for myself or FI we tend to take it out on each other. (We're working on not doing that...) But maybe that is what is causing the difficulties for you and DH?
@Miss Seersucker: That's interesting... We are in our 5th year and I'm finding it incredibly difficult. But that could just be the whole planning a wedding and the rest of our lives thing. ;)
@JewishBride : What I find is that the people that "warned" you had a hard time and think it's like that for everyone.- I totally agree with you! The people who issued the warnings do think it's like that for everyone. First they did it about marriage, and now they're "warning" me about children (they have kids and I don't). Oy! :)
I've heard this before and I always assumed it only applied to people who either didn't know each other very well before marriage or who didn't live together beforehand. Because so far our married life has been way better than any part of our dating life. We both definitely pick our battles though and are always working on communication. The only time we start to have a problem is if someone's in a bad mood, but we are both forgiving quickly about that so it doesn't explode.
Mrs. Trail Mix wrote a post recently on this topic that you might find helpful. There was a lot of feedback and varying perspectives. I'm not married yet so I can't comment on that but my FI and I have experienced these times throughout our relationship (including our engagement). We use various ways of working through our differences but it all boils down to communication.
For us that last few months of wedding planning were far worse than the first year of marriage. Yeah, there was some adjusting to do since we hadn't lived together before, but overall it wasn't too bad.
We've been married for 6 months, and I think so far it's been an absolute BREEZE compared to the last 6 months of being engaged. We didn't even live together before we were married, but that just seemed to all fall into place and it was an easy transition.
But BEFORE we were married, there were so many random wedding things to argue about and little family weirdnesses and we were furnishing the apartment, and believe it or not, we also had an argument about how dark of a wood we wanted for the coffee table. Haha.
Glad we got past that. :) I'm sure you will too, just give it time!
We've been married 5 months, and it's been super happy and easy. Seriously. It sounds like you are having living with family/moving in together issues. We have lived together for 2 years - easy peasy!
Haven't checked in/commented on wb in awhile but I thought I would answer! We are a little past halfway through our first year and it has been tough at times. But it really doesn't have much to do with being married, more just other things that happened to happen in our lives..
I do agree w/ Jewishbride & Monkeygirl... :)
My mom has always said that the first and the seventh year are the hardest. Only time will tell...
We're almost to the end of our first year (Feb. 28th is our anniversary). It was a crazy hard year for us, but not because of our relationship, just b/c things happened in our lives that sucked.
My husband had major surgery and is still dealing with his health issues, and I had a miscarriarage that was pretty awful. It lasted about 2 months, I ended up having to have 2 D&Cs b/c the baby just didn't want to leave me.
I think since we had such hard times we had to be there for each other more then most at this stage of life.
I hope not! I'm really looking forward to being married. In the last year, we both got new jobs, got engaged, bought a house, and have been planning a wedding. There's no way the first year of marriage can be more anxiety-producing than this past year!
For us, it was harder during our engagement because there were some MIL issues we had to figure out. As for the first year, it wasn't that bad, we did have some health issues that caused financial problems and that really caused a lot of stress for us. Relationship wise it wasn't that bad.
@roxy821: maybe stuff that was easy to 'pass' on (like the color of the coffee table) before, but now that you are married there's more of a desire to 'speak your mind' about the things. It could be a lot of things? A power struggle? DH feeling like he needs to have a say in things, etc. Since it sounds like you have the basics covered and are only squabbling on the small stuff - maybe you could talk about why it is that the small stuff is becoming an issue. Maybe there's other stuff going on with DH that is being masked by the small stuff? We are on month four - and I'd say for every month there's been need to just 'talk' about whatever is bugging us. From the stupidest stuff to major stuff. It's been hard for me to talk about it and really dig deep into why I'm feeling a certain way - but the outcome of the conversation is always more intimacy between the two of us and more understanding about why things have been unraveling a certain way.
The first year has been very good so far - much better than any part of the our relationship. We had a really difficult engagement so maybe that was our year that was the hardest. Now that weve been married we feel so much more at ease. We were also living together for over 3 years by the time we got married. I would say the 3rd year of our relationship was the hardest because we were new at living with one another and I think we had a harder time adjusting to that.
I've been married for almost 4 months. So far so good It's been great! However my father-in-law suddently passed away 2 months after we got married so we had other issues to deal with. Plus that incident made us realize that we shouldn't sweat the small stuff.
Our first year was really hard, but a lot of that was circumstances that came up (disagreeing over what church to join and then a move half-way across the country), but I don't know if that's typical. I think it really depends on the person.
In our pre-marriage counseling, we were told that the hardest seasons of marriage are usually in the major transitions (from being single to newly married, then when you have kids, then when you have teenagers, and finally when you have an "empty nest"). Each one has it's challenges that can test the marriage.
I have only been married for a little over 6 months, but there have been a lot of ups and downs so far. For me, I (we) had the blissful newlywed, post-honeymoon phase for a few months, and then I had a good month or two of freaking out. My husband is in school, and whenever we are stressed we turn on each other, which is a bad habit we've been trying to work on. So dealing with his school stress, and trying to talk about where to live (what state) brought on some big fights--huge ones in fact. I even wondered if we had made a mistake getting married, which felt awful. I guess I felt a little trapped in the marriage and afraid of failing.
However, we seem to have turned a corner and now things are just wonderful. I feel so happy to be married to my husband, and just so blessed (though I'm not religious) to have him in my life. I feel more in love than ever. So for me, the first year of marriage so far has been really good, and also somewhat stressful. I am hoping that the really good stuff continues on into eternity, and the stressful stuff abates. I think it's just a big period of adjustment, even if you have lived together. Keep your head up lady! It sounds like you guys are just stressed out.
I've been wondering the same. We have a while to go until our wedding.
This past year has been really rough (we're in year # 7 now, in year # 2 of living together)~ what was that about year #7 being hard? There were a few times where we had breakdowns larger than we've ever had. In the end, we obviously stuck by each other and never gave up and still got engaged.
Has anyone had this discussion with their spouse/FI:
Maybe we *should* have gotten married sooner? back when things were blissful and we were naive to what a long-term relationship can be like. back when we were infatuated with each other and had those blissful giddy new couple butterfly hearts-maybe if we had gotten married after the first 2 yrs or so, this wouldn't be so difficult? we wouldn't have to think, "oh no...can I live with this for the REST of my life?" because we'd be still so head over heels for each other.
now, granted, we still get that excited feeling for each other every now and again but everyone just tells us we're "like an old married couple" bickering and houding on each other. we still have great intimate relationship and have a lot of fun together but its NOT like it was when we were younger and saw hearts floating around the room.
I'm glad we decided to wait because we were in school and younger, but we still think about this sometimes...if we had married sooner, would we have enjoyed it more? and enjoy our first year married more?
I feel that maybe our first year married will be great, since it will finally be "official" and the planning stress will be over, but we'll have a BIG move ahead of us, starting our PhD's and we might have those "freak out" sessions.
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I love my DH dearly and I couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. With that being said lately things seem so hard. We are constantly bickering about things that don't even matter. We had joint finances before we got married and always worked together so I figured things would be pretty easy. The hard stuff was dealt with and under control, but the little things such as the color wood of a coffee table turn into arguments. Its just that we are arguing about things that we know aren't worth it and instead of continuing fighting we both have just been seperating.
We always had a very strong relationship so this is a little bit difficult for me to talk about with others that know us, but is anyone else or did anyone else find themselves struggling in regards to their relationship during the first year of being married?