Post # 1
Brace for a long one folks.
I realized a couple days ago that the BF is not the enemy, but the recession. Elements of the recession have also proved to be many excuses my BF has used for why we aren’t moving forward yet.
My BF recently got a job in a restaurant after being unemployed for two months and underemployed for six months before that. He looks for entry-level finance jobs consistently and is looking to start a production company with a couple friends that sounds promising. He says he doesn’t have a lot of money right now and can’t start thinking about the future until he has more of it, the credit cards are paid off, and he is starting to save. Nobody is calling him back for interviews.
It comes down to I don’t want to wait forever and it’s not entirely his fault he’s not in a better financial situation. He has made some choices to get him to this point but he is employed, has income, and is trying to improve his financial situation. I feel like he’s learned from job mistakes he’s made in the past and he is responsible with his money. He seems to have a stigma against getting married before all the ducks are in a perfectly neat straight row and I’m to the point that if he saves and is in a better financial situation but still working the restaurant job this time next year with the company looking promising, I wouldn’t feel weird about getting engaged but he would.
Would you be willing to get engaged if your SO wasn’t quite where you wanted them (or they wanted to be) financially? How would you try to get your SO to see that the recession is rough and it’s just a sign of the times and not a reason not to move forward? I want to stop bringing up engagement, marriage, moving in together etc. until he has a little more money saved and a little more credit card paid off. Any advice for that? I worked out a preliminary budget for a small wedding and realized it’s still a lot of money and that humbled me a little. I think I’m going to keep my mouth shut until I save a certain amount but need to have an idea of how to bring it up. Any suggestions?
Post # 3
Oh, man. The recession definitely messed with us. My FI was underemployed for the entire two years it took me to get my master’s, and we had some tense moments over it, especially because by 1 year into those two years of underemployment I was ready to be engaged and he was not, partially because of the finances.
I waited. I waited until he got into law school. Then I waited a little more. He proposed after we’d been talking about it for two years. I got really upset pretty frequently about it during that time, because if we both wanted to get married I didn’t see why we weren’t engaged, and if he didn’t want to marry me, I wanted to know so I’d be free to move on and try to find someone who did.
It was an awful experience, ain’t gonna lie. I came close to leaving him over it. If he hadn’t been adamant that he did, in fact, want to marry me, every time we discussed it, I would have walked out on the relationship.
Post # 4
this is why my mister and i are not engaged. i’ve been out of work for almost two (!) years now [though, arguably i did take last year off to deal with family deaths and whatnot] and he’s been doing freelance but is looking for something more permanent in california to be with me. the job market hasn’t been the best here but i know we’ll score something soon.
until then, he does not want to propose until he has a job. he feels the ring is a symbol of his ability to provide for us as a family and until he has a job, he doesn’t feel comfortable making that committment just yet.
am i willing to get engaged now? idealistically, of course but realistically i know that is not going to work for us. i’m willing to wait it out because i know we’ll get something soon enough. besides, i want him to feel comfortable with it and if he says he’d feel better with a job, then i’ll let him work that out first.
Post # 5
Same here. I am engaged but have been waiting for 1 year and 7 months and still no date for our wedding. 🙁 We got engaged the semester before he graduated college and then he couldn’t find a job around here so now he is working on his masters degree. We were hoping to get married last year…I hate this recession lol….he is an engineer and still no jobs. I’m graduating next month so it is up to me to find a job now. But yes, waiting realllllly does suck.
Sometimes it feels like it would have been better to wait a little longer to get engaged because we have been engaged sooo long and everyone is always asking when the wedding is….and we still don’t even have a date. In the end i’m glad we are engaged but the questions all the time gets kind of annoying….
Post # 6
@wanttobemrsb: Ugh! Yes!!
When J and I moved in together he promised that we’d be engaged very shortly after (our families were very strict about this… His family being hard-core church goers, and my family being Italian). Anyhoo, a month after we moved in J got laid off because of the recession! It was such a huge blow to our finances for 2.5 months. He’s still trying to pay back some debt because E.I. barely gave him enough money to cover his portion of rent. Not to mention bills, car payments, etc.
So yes, the recession postponed our engagement. We would have been engaged last year if he didn’t get laid off.
Post # 7
i’m so sorry *hugs* SO is lucky enough that the recession isnt causing him any issues but I am having a horrible time finding a job. Its not the recession holding us up its the legal system holding up our buy the house and his job holding up the engagement (bonus time). I guess the only thing I can say is years down the line when you look back on this time it wont even matter because you will be so happy in your marriage. Plus it gives you extra time to make any life emprovements you might want before the wedding 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
Here too. I’m a student, and he’s done school and has a decent job. I don’t get a lot of hours when I am working– very few employers give full time anymore, so we never get ahead as much as we’d like to. This summer is better than most as far as our incomes are concerned, so engagement has become a real thing for us now instead of just a “future talk” I told him in no uncertain terms that I want to be engaged before my 26th birthday and I don’t care about a big fancy ring, etc… I’d never leave him, but I sure have been unhappy over waiting for the past 2.5-3 years.
Post # 9
In Australia, we are relatively lucky in that the recession didn’t hit us quite as hard, but there was a lot of economic uncertainty for a while and everyone was quite nervous for their jobs for a while. Companies (boyfriends in particular) stopped giving pay rises and talked openly about job cuts (that thankfully never materialised)
My boy though has been very clear about wanting to feel economically settled before marriage. He wants to know he can provide if needed and so we worked hard and nearly 2 years ago bought our first house, and 1 year ago paid off all the credit card debts and other things. We have both received promotions in the last 6 months so now we feel fairly settled and he is a lot more comfortable and ready for marriage. Now its just the formalities I guess (and him getting his act together!)
Post # 10
@wanttobemrsb: Yes, the recession can definitely have an effect on plans to move forward. I was laid off from a very good job in 2009 unexpectedly (my whole department). I was unemployed for one month, underemployed for 3 months and a little less underemployed a year and half later. At that time is when SO and I started dating and his hours were cut at his job. Granted, we didn’t go on lavish dates or do much that required spending money.
Personally, I have told SO I’d like to have credit cards paid off at a minimum so we are less stressed as newlyweds. When I look at the reality of the situation and how long it will take us to pay off our cards, I feel it is unfair that we would have to wait so long to pay off debt. We will both always have debt, and what is really the difference in paying it off beforehand versus after? I know there are benefits to paying things off first but it would take a good number of years. I’m 26, SO is 28 and I want to have kids too. There is never a best time to move forward, you just have to roll with the punches. That is what I always told SO and I helped him to realize there are nice affordable rings…if you buy them on sale or online for example. At one point I was even willing to get a non-diamond/non-brand e-ring. I have a friend whose set was $178 from Wal Mart. They are pretty and it was a very economical choice for them. (They have a house now). I also made sure he knew that I didn’t want a 10k or above wedding. I was thinking about 2k and when I looked at venues I realized 2k is more like 5 or 6k like you had mentioned.
I tried to help him see what we do have. Careers, benefits, a roof over our heads, cars to drive. We can pay our bills. Yea, we have Cc’s to pay for and student loans, but who doesn’t? I have gone back and forth between getting married later and paying off CC’s first, or just getting married and paying off Cc’s later. I am leaning towards just getting married and worrying about debt afterward and being a support to each other for getting it paid off. This is kind of long, but I have been in your boat and I know how difficult and intimidating it is to think about moving forward when you are not comfortable. It can cause a feeling of inadequacy, which no one wants to feel. Hope this helps in some way!
Post # 11
Most definitely! I can’t tell you how similar this is to us. SO lost his job a few months ago and needs a new one before we’re engaged. He’s also in the financial field as am I (we’re both accountants although different types). There is so much competition out there for finance positions. In my opinion he doesn’t have to have a super great job, just enough to pay for the student loans he has and something he is happy with. We have the ring situation taken care of so that’s not the issue and I’m financial stable enough to take care of the both of us as long as he can pay his own student loans and car loan, I already have a house and my student loans and car are paid for.
Post # 12
OMG. I’m giving the recession the middle finger so hard right now. My SO works for the government, so everytime there is talk of government shut down or furloughs we are in panic mode just to pay our mortgage, gas, electric, then there’s mantaining the fact that our dog has better health insurnance than I do (sigh), and car payments. Any mention of the W word is just laughable in the face of all of that frenzy. I’ve told him a hundred time that we could just court house it and call it a day (and maybe then I’d have health insurance that would rival that of the dogs! yayyy!), but he does the whole “I know that’s not what you REALLY want though, and since it’s something that means so much to you I want it to be better then that.” awww, he’s adorbs. Once however I was totally like “Hey buster! Is this a put off?!?” but I’m pretttty sure he’s sincere.. Damn economy.