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FI and I are very tight on cash. We're going to be so strapped after the wedding especially since we just found out there is a good chance FI will have to get braces again and I've been to the doctor a ton lately since I've been sick for over a month.
I'm sure that we'll probably register a few places for some nice new things but I'm torn. How will we even be able to move away if we have no money. We are trying to make sure we keep our splurges to a minimum for the big day but with me in school this summer too, it's tight. I know we'll make it, I just want to move after the wedding into our own place (currently living with family together).
So, where to go from here? I don't want to be rude, or untactful. I would never include anything about gifts on the invitation. I would only put the registry on the website. I just don't know. I've heard of honeymoon funds, can you do the same for like, moving out funds? Suggestions?
P.S. Please, be kind. I'm not trying to be rude or stupid here by asking this question!
Word of mouth? Honestly I'm floored about this too. I would much rather have cash to put towards a house or home improvements than nice things that I can worry about when I have more cash flow. When I talked to some people about it, word of mouth seemed the least rude. Just make your intentions tactfully clear to your family and close friends (people that would get asked about your registry, etc) and they can say "They are registered at ___ but I'm thinking they may prefer cash to put towards a house, if that is do-able."
i think your best bet to get money is to NOT register anywhere. and if people ask you directly, then tell them you are moving and don't need tangible stuff. also, are you taking a honeymoon? if so, then you could do a honeymoon registry. in the end its money you get, so if people put money towards your honeymoon, then you have the money you saved for it to put towards moving instead.
@AmeliaBedelia: That seems like a do-able thing! I just've struggled with it because I know that we have been saving everything we can since before we got engaged just for this big day...but I guess that all good things don't come easy. It's been tough but it makes me that much more grateful for it I guess. I just don't want all kinds of useless things when we already have plates and silverware (and nice stuff too from his family when we first moved out)
A friend of mine in the invitations had this little poem, for example:
Our life together has already begun

And we almost have everything under the sun,

So we both thought we would make a suggestion,

To save you from all the searching and guessing,

Instead of spending lots and lots,

Just put some money with your card,

And place it into our Moneybox,

Large amounts are not anticipated,

Any amount would be appreciated,

Now that we have saved you all the fuss,

We can’t wait for you to celebrate with us!
@PurpleUnicorn: We are going on a honeymoon--but definitely a low-key one. We will probably just end up going to someplace local, stay at a bed and breakfast for a while and have our own little adventures relaxing that way.
There is no polite way to ask for cash.
Wedding gifts traditionally have been purchased to help the couple set up their home .
It is not up to your wedding guests to finance your move .
I suggest you don't register anyhwere if you don't want gifts.
honestly? the only semi-polite way is by word of mouth. do not put this in writting anywhere...it is very rude. Good luck to you!!!
Don't register.
If anyone asks you directly, have an answer ready...like you really don't need any gifts/have anywhere to put them, etc. You will still get money from most guests.
I also have a friend who wrote something like
"Her name and his name already built their nest, So money for the bride and groom would be best."
Personally, I'm not a fan of people asking for money. I think the best way to go about it is not to register, but then you'll probably end up with things you don't want.
@artbee: I put out a strong word of mouth (through our parents) that we did not want gifts that would end up at the Goodwill for lack of space in our home. I was really clear that we didn't want our wedding to be about consumption and waste. (We weren't actually trying to get more cash, but people did give it.)
People got the word, and the few gifts that we got were great...a vegetarian cookbook (I'm veg) from FI's cousin who is a chef, a coffee table book from a place where my family vacations, PJ's and a frame of us all together from my girls. I only got two housewares...sheets and pillows delivered directly from BB&B in case I wanted to return them and some very sweet coasters from my mentally handicapped cousins.
Word of mouth. I'd register for a few things anyway. Do you need new linens? Do you have a set of matching plates? You probably will end up with a few things you don't want anyway. I also think this might depend on the region.
I'm from NJ and I actually didn't know that it was common to give gifts for a wedding- I thought you gave money for a wedding and boxed gift for a shower, if there is one. I'm in MD now, and it seems much more common to give a gift for the wedding. I've also learned that some people think it's tacky to give money... so I guess it depends on what your guests think. My FMIL, for example, will always get a nice gift that isn't on the registry. That's just her preference.
Well everyone that knows us, also knows that we have been living together for 15 years, so a toaster or towels are obviously going to be bad presents.
I am going to wait until they ask what we would like, then maybe say, 'well we already go a home full of stuff, so i will leave it up to you, maybe cash would probably help towards our honeymoon ''
or something similar
but i would wait until asked, and i wouldn't write anything......just mention it as an idea you JUST thought of.......
but as far as my family are concerned, they are getting together to pay our photographer, its saves them struggling to find a gift, and saves us a LOT of money......its still money, but its money we havent got to find, which is great...
Then i also have a friend offer to pay for my cake as her present to me. i think if they offer, its great , and they feel great being included too.
I agree with the previous posters. There is absolutely no polite way to ever ask for money.
But if asked (and only if asked) you can tell them that you are saving for XXXXXXX. Your family and close friends can spread that as well.
But I think you have to be prepared that as a giver it is very ungratifying to contribute 1/10000th of the cost of your move. I love giving a tanigible item to couples. I loved hearing my parents break out the slow cooker and talk about how great aunt Martha gave that to them for their wedding.
Oh and please all brides, not just the OP, do not ever use a cutesy poem to try to disguise that you are asking for cash. It is terrible. While i think it is attrocius to ask for cash, asking via cutesy poem makes it worse. I'd rather see ' give me your dough' printed on the bottom of the invite then get a card with a poem.
i don't think you should write it anywhere. just don't register. we're going to bf's friend's wedding and when i looked for a registry, i couldn't find one. i had bf ask his friend. his friend said that they were moving overseas for 18 months and will probably rent out their townhome and they do not want to store any gifts. he didn't directly say that they wanted cash but it's what we're giving.
i'm asian so the only time i give gifts off a registry is when i attend an american wedding. otherwise, we always give cash as weddign gifts.
I am not agreeing with the word of mouth or not registering. I feel like there is no polite way to ask for money as a gift, especially a wedding where the gifts, like said above, are there to start your new life together and not finance whatever it is you fancy.
Register at BBB or JC Penney where the return policy is for cash and not store credit. You will save yourself some grief and everyone else won't be gasping at your asking for money.
I agree don't register and have your moms and wedding party spread the word. That's what we're doing.
I agree with @malisa0607 - I feel like there is a slow cultural shift happening.
I too am of Asian descent (East Indian) - and find that at Asian, south Asian, Italian, Mid-Eastern etc. weddings it is so common to just give cheques/cash/gift cards. White North Americans seem to slowly be making this move as well as more and more couples live together pre-marriage. I find the 'rudeness' factor is really only prevalent in communities which hold "traditional" values such as registeries but ironically, let go of the reasons behind those values - which are also "traditional" such as, no pre-marital sex, no living together before marriage, getting married at a young age etc.
So considering your particular community will be necessary in determining how to phrase it properly. In my community once you say 'No boxed gifts please' or 'Envelopped gifts preferred' people get the message loud and clear. I personally don't care when a couple asks for cash 1) I think its so practical in today's world and 2) saves me the headache of going on their registry and saves them the headache from getting tons of boxes that ultimately just go to waste and harm the environment... and really from a person who doesn't find it "rude" - go ahead with the cute poems, I love any form of art, it's creative and the poems made me smile :)
There's never a polite way to ask for cash. You can do what above posters have suggested and put in a "cutesy" poem - but that still doesn't make it polite, and it still won't result in people giving you cash if they just don't want to give it.
I don't understand why people think their guests are so confused as to whether or not cash would be an acceptable gift. I don't think great Aunt Sue sits down and says "hmm, they didn't register, but they didn't ask for cash outright, so I'm just not sure if they'd appreciate a check from me... what to do..." Everyone knows that cash is an acceptable alternative to a boxed gift. I think the reality is that a lot of people (depending on your culture) are just uncomfortable giving straight out cash and that's just the way it is. No amount of requests for cash will change that. I think the only polite way is to not register, and spread via word of mouth, only when ASKED, that you didn't register because you have no need for gifts as you are trying to downsize and save for a move. You'll still get gifts from those who don't like giving cash, but at least you won't have offended anyone by asking flat out that they open their wallets and pony up.
There's definitely no polite way to ask for money. There are registries online that are cash funds, you can do it "down payment" or something like that. You could also mention that you'd love gift cards to Home Depot or something, to help with renovations. Otherwise rely on word of mouth, and spread the news to your parents and bridal parties. Regardless of how cute or well-intentioned the method of asking, there's really no tactful way to do it. And you can always return things you don't want, which is a perk of registering because then things come from the same store.
I don't really see a huge difference between informing people where you're registered and letting them know that you would appreciate a contribution towards your own place. I wouldn't have an issue if someone placed it on their website.
No offense meant to PP's, but man do I hate those "cute" poems asking for money. It's not adorable or clever in the slightest. It's Maybe its regional, but I've never seen this and if I did I would strongly consider declining the invitation just for this reason. I'm pretty sure that not registering for anything is a clear message, and people will naturally give cash as a result. But jeez, I'm sorry - just don't think a wedding should be used for fundraising.
@KristenGotMarried: i don't like those poems either and therefore i would never use one, but i would never dream of not attneding an event or refuse to get someone a gift because of how they made their invitations. especially if it someone close to me.
@PurpleUnicorn: Depends on the level of friendship for me. Of course I'd never decline a close friend, but I'm pretty turned off by requests for cash, especially in this economy and with gas at $4.25/gallon. I want to support people for sure, but if they have the balls to ask for money, its a huge turn off.
@KristenGotMarried: i understand why a lot of people are put off by money requests (well sort of), but i am not at all. i am happy to give whatever is needed, and personally, i prefer to give cash when it is asked for - its easy and i know its what they want. sometimes when i give cash or gift card for people who don't specifically ask for it, then it makes me feel lazy and like i didn't put enough effort into the gift! so i appreciate cash requests. also, i think you might have seen on another thread that for my shower everyone contributed to one expensive gift. i got that idea from another shower i went to where the invite just said to contribute towards the gift which i happily did and then we saw the gift unveiled at the shower, it was cool.
though i do find those money poems cheesy and phony!
You probably want to consider the sensitivities of your family and friends, before you resort even to just the "word of mouth" method of requesting cash. You know whether your own friends and family would be disgusted by the implication -- but your future family probably has members with perceptions and prejudices that you don't yet fully understand. Those notions might include the view that anyone who needs to rely on the charity of their friends to move out, might not have the financial stability they expect as prerequisite to establishing a family. It is to be hoped that they keep such thoughts to themselves, but even if no-one says anything to you, it's better not to give them cause to think it.
By the same logic, I think guests should take into account that NOT everyone considers cash an acceptable alternative to a boxed gift. My (now "ex"-) sister-in-law has alienated most of my nephews, and even some of her own grand-children with that idea, since for the most part we move in circles that still follow the old-fashioned notion that "A gift should be precious for something better than its price" (as George Routledge puts it in his classic manual). A "tip" -- even, or perhaps especially, a generous one -- in those circles implies either a superior-to-inferior relationship, or a cool impersonal relationship, or both. Better to know your own friends than rely on misleading advice about anything's being universally acceptable.
Just don't register. We did not register anywhere- and everyone but 2 couples gave us cash or gift cards to useful places like Target. So we only had 2 "real" presents to open, but lots of checks to cash. Of course, don't do this if this is not the norm in your social circles. In ours, it's pretty typical that people give cash/checks anyway, so it worked out fine.
@monkeybear: Thank you for this opinion. I totally I agree. Cultures should definitely be taken into account. I'm Russian and the idea and implication of most of the weddings I've been to is that a cash gift goes toward the downpayment on a house.
Honestly, the way things are progressing, I'm really tired of the gasps about cash as a gift. For all of the unique and creative ideas here on the bee from brides that balk at traditional wedding notions, sometimes I find the responses so rigid and dare I say, passe.
Also, I just have to vent but It's 2011, and no offense but stop clutching your pearls about a little poem. However cheesy, it's just a dang poem. It didn't slap your momma.
@LuckyJuls: i apologize if my comment offended you about the poems, i just meant it as my personal opinion that i was not a fan of them because i think they sound phony and weird. so i would personally would not use it. the same way i might not choose one favor or decoration over another. i would not judge someone for using it and i am totally with you on thinking its time to get with the times and accept that cash gifts are okay to ask for! if i saw a poem on an invitation, i would not think twice about it and be happy that getting a gift was made simple for me! i also think that people on here are a little rigid on some of these etiquette issues!
Be careful when telling people "we don't need anything so we didn't register" assuming that you will get cash. Some of my guests have assumed that means bring nothing at all, not even a card of congrats....one guest said "Oh you guys don't need anything? Awesome, Well, I'll buy ya a beer one night" lol Great, I love beer, especially the free ones! hahahaa
But, just beware, that if you are purposely NOT registering so you'll get cash...not everyone will know that's what they're suposed to do <----and by suposed to I do not mean obligated. : )
@PurpleUnicorn: OH no no no, I wasn't offended by what you said at all. More than anything i was just airing out a grievance that I have because I've read a few sentiments on a few different threads that the poem would actually make someone consider not going. I think that's just bananas, with all due respect.
I want to support a bride and groom on their lives together, even if they aren't good friends of mine. If what they need is money for a vacation, a blender, or the help with a downpayment on a house, I'll most certainly do it, and some corny ass poem is not going to stop me. And if it did, I would really reflect on it later and realize I was being overly sensitive.
FI and I have been living in our own home together for 4 years and have everything we need so we are not going to register anywhere, but we will also not put anything about cash on the invitation.
Heaps of people have already asked what we would like and are fine with cash towards our honeymoon or our life together after the wedding. I agree with the PP about it being a cultural thing, in NZ it is very common to give cash to the wedding couple, especially since the majority of people live together before marriage now.
We honestly don't mind if we do end up with presents if that is what some guests would like to do. All the weddings we have been to in the last 5 years they have asked for cash and we have been happy to give it to them so I highly doubt we will have a problem.
We already had a house and didn't need stuff so we only registered for a little bit, didn't have a shower, and had our parents say that we preferred cash.
My first instinct if I saw someone didn't register? They don't want anything. Period. Most people I know buy a gift and give money. The economy sucks though. Who knows what anyone should expect. I pretty much expect nothing by 2012. Or at least not as much as it would normally be.
As horrible as this sounds, we're hoping for just cash too. Whatever we get for our wedding is going to our first house. There is no chance I'll be politely asking for money, cause there seems to be no way of doing that nicely. Instead, I'm not registering. Whatever we get, I'll appreciate.
I would also be wary of not registering
My sister got a wolf blanket and some New Orlean Saint's mugs!
i don't think it's that rude to request money instead of a present, but it is hard to find a tactful way to do it! personally, i don't have any problems at all if somebody asked money instead of a gift from me; i was going to spend the money anyway and this way they get what they really want. plus, why are you giving them something anyway? if it is because you want to be kind to them, then surely the kindest thing is to get them something they actually need AND want? In my opinion, there's no point buying presents just for the sake of it!
I know this has been said- but there is no polite was to ask for money.
And those horrible poems that are kitschy and cute are worse than asking outright.. seriously, I vomit a little every time I read one.
Word of mouth is probably the only way.
I don't think it's rude to ask for money, I think it's much more common than not these days. I did ask as lightly as possible by using the phrase "if you wish to give a gift", and I referenced examples of things we want the money for so that people felt a connection to something aesthetic.
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