Is there a such thing as amicable divorce?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@newleywed021987:  I definitely consider my divorce amicable. My now ex husband and I both agreed to get divorced so it was quick and easy. I honestly think both parties have to agree to the divorce for it to be amicable. Even then it was still hard. It hurt. It was like dealing with a death that goes on and on.

Post # 4
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@newleywed021987:  I personally have not but my former classmate was. Her ex husband still came over to her home to celebrate Thanksgiving with her. She said they both decided they were better off no longer married and became dear friends.

Post # 5
Member
6505 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yes. One of my friend’s parents had a very amicable divorce. Her mom and dad still get together for holidays with their kids and they have even taken a few “family” vacations. The vacations ended when the dad got remarried but they all still see each other very often and the parent’s relationship is very friendly.

Post # 6
Member
547 posts
Busy bee

SO’s grandparents divorced amicably 30 years ago. They are still friends, probably bc they’re both at the family events etc.

SO’s sister wasn’t married, but she and her 4 year old’s father broke up and are now friends. The relationship was a disaster which resulted in an unintended pregnancy. They broke up screaming and with her crying. They got their shit together quickly and are amazing at co-parenting. They spend time with their daughter together.

Post # 7
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Of course, how a couple splits and their relationship afterward has everything to do with how each of them behaves during everything and nothing about any rules about what a divorce should be like. There are bound to be hurt feelings I’m sure but its possible to split respectfully. 

 

Post # 8
Member
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I went through what I considered an amicable divorce. We divided up things pretty easily and agreed to the terms before we even filed any paperwork. We both filed the paperwork ourselves and communicated in a polite and timely manner as needed throughout the process. We’re not in contact anymore though.

NOTE: I do not suggest or recommend not having a lawyer for divorce in general. For us it worked because we had no joint real estate or otherwise expensive/big property like a car. Our finances at the time had become separate because of international moving. We did not have children. Neither of us wanted alimony. 

Post # 9
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

My divorce was amicable. We both agreed to it. we split our stuff down the middle on a i pick-you pick-i pick- you pick basis. We split all of the fees (divorce fees, fees to break leases etc etc)

I wouldnt say that neither of us did anything wrong. It boiled down to mainly that we got married very young (i was 22) and mostly out of obligation/pressure. We had very differant views on marriage/ life and goals. We came to realize that they were not compatible.

Post # 10
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My parent’s split was pretty amicable. They would often go have drinks or dinner before my school concerts or plays. At least, it was until my stepmom came along…she is a jealous person, and didn’t quite understand my parents were actually friends.  Oh well.  Everyone was well behaved for the wedding!

Post # 11
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@newleywed021987:  Yes– I have 3 kinds of situations I have seen:

1) not a happy divorce, but excellent co-parents. Even though ex-wife couldn’t stand her ex-husband, they are completely united on raising their kids. The second kid breaks a rule at mom’s house and is grounded, mom is on the phone with the dad to let him know so the kid is grounded there too. The kids go back and forth between houses when the want and the parents (and their new partners) show up to every sports game and academic event.

2) easy divorce, no hard feelings, stay friends. In the cases where I have seen this, both parties agree that they can’t be married for some reason they can’t change– (he is gay). There are hard feelings in the begining, but by the time the divorce rolls around they are at peace and they still remain great friends (and excellent co-parents)

3) They both just want this over with. They have no desire to be together and probably don’t speak that much afterwards. They are in complete agreement that the divorce sucks and the longer it drags out, the more expensive it will be. I have seen this happen a lot when neither party was faithful– all involved want to just move on)

I personally think I would be a horrible ex wife. I don’t think I could be amicable.

Post # 12
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My aunt and uncle had a very amicable divorce. She still allowed him to live with her while he finished nursing school (kind of a weird arrangement but it worked for them). They were married for quite a long time and just decided that they had different goals in life and their lives just weren’t meshing well anymore.

Post # 13
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My SO’s step mom AND his dad hang out with her ex husband all the time. The reason there is because her ex husband came out of the closet and asked for a divorce at the same time. My SO suspects that if he wasn’t gay his dad wouldn’t be so cool with it. 

My SO’s grandparents divorced for financial reasons but never stopped loving each other. They were still together every day after until the day his grandfather died. And besides the financial stuff his grandmother had nothing but good things to say about him. 

Post # 14
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I have never been divorced, but my FI has been. His was as close to amicable as I could ever think of. His ex and him obviously fought and did not get along when separating. (That’s why they separated…)

However, they WAITED to actually get divorced for almost a year and a half i think. My FI and his ex always talk about this as the BEST THING they ever did. Waiting made it so that tensions were cooled and both of them could think clearly and go through the process of divorce with a proper head on their shoulders.

Neither of them have any unsettled feelings about the divorce as far as I know. But they do say that had they gotten divorced immediately after separating they probably would hate each other now.

Break ups suck. It makes sense to wait until after the emotions of the break up itself to handle the official matters.

 

Post # 15
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Well to be fair we never made it to the alter.  We were meant to get married this summer 2 days after our 10 year anniversary.  Instead we cancelled our wedding, tried to keep working on the relationship but ended it a week after our wedding was supposed to happen.  We ended things fairly well and mutually.  We did not have the messiness of the paperwork, we broke our things up nicely. 
But I don’t think everyone involved can keep their composure through the whole process. 
Stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  When either of you hit the anger stage you will be hard pressed not to lash out at each other.  And with divorce it goes on for so long that you are forced to deal with it daily way past when your personally done. 
For me I love my former spouse, after 10 years I don’t know what else to call him.  But we wanted very different things and we just couldn’t make each other happy anymore. 
That is not to say that I didn’t lay a verbal tirade on him when he ran off to Canada three and a half weeks after we broke up to fuck a former friend of his.  I feel entirely justified for that. See, anger stage. 
It is a mixed bag.  Even if you like the person, breaking up after a serious/long relationship is really and incredibly hard

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