Post # 1
Yes, it has been that long. We met in March of 2003 and shortly thereafter we bought a house together and started talking about marriage. He said he wanted to get married in June of 2004. We were both adults (actually he’s 7 years older than me) and both established in our careers. I was so excited and thought I was finally going to get married.
Let’s fast forward to today, March 2012. I’m 38 and he’s 45, neither have ever been married or have kids and share the mortgage and bills. But… we’re still not married and I’m not sure if we’re really engaged. He gave me a ring in September 2011, which I negotiated for a lower price in Tijuana 6 years ago, but he never really asked me to marry him. He just gave it to me and said, ‘Here you go…’ and then he wanted to turn the lights out and go to bed. I’ve been asking him and sending little reminders for the last several years on an engagement and wedding date but I don’t want to pressure him because that will get him even angrier.
Many times, he doesn’t like it when I touch him, like on the shoulder, face or hair. He turns away and tells me to stop it. We haven’t had sex for almost 7 months and when he kisses me it’s more like a quick peck on the lips. I try to do whatever I can to please him and make him happy. I’m the breadwinner between the two of us and I do all the house and yard work. I don’t think he loves me anymore, however he says he does. I love him and I still want to marry him and I was hoping we could’ve had childeren but at 38, I’m not getting any younger. When we met he said he wanted children but now he doesn’t. I’ve been depressed for the last month and have been growing severely depressed this week.
What should I do? Stay with him, leave him??? I love him but I’m really confused and lonely.
Post # 3
I think you need to do what your gut tells you to do. If you aren’t happy and don’t see him changing his ways (which at 45 he is probably pretty well set in them) then I would leave. Its hard to leave something so comfortable…you may be unhappy but at least its what you know. Breaking up a long term relationship is hard because you find yourself in such a forgein land that you haven’t been in for a long time (single hood). But sometimes its the best thing for you and know that you will be okay. 🙂 Good luck.
Just listen to your gut! Its telling you something I’m sure of it!
Post # 4
IF you stay, you have a lot to talk about.
1) he is not showing you the affection you need
2) you are not on the same page about marriage
3) you are not on the same page abour kids
4) you seem to be doing the brunt of all the house work.
After this long, I would not be hinting. I would be asking for a definate timeline and if he cant give it, then its because he doesnt want it.
Post # 5
leave. it sounds like you want to.
Post # 6
If he wanted to marry you, he would have by now. It sounds like he doesn’t want to be with you, but he’s stalling because he likes the arrangement of you taking care of the bills and housework.
Post # 7
I agree with many of the PP’s.
You seriously need to have an adult conversation , essentially confronting the issues at hand. Also take time to reflect on what you see for your future and how that coincides with his ideals and desires.
Best of luck! Don’t be afraid of the unkown. Our short life can have so much to offer!
Post # 8
Wow. This story is rather a shocker, I don’t mean to be harsh, but WHAT are you thinking? Is this real? You support him financially, you “don’t know” if you’re engaged and you haven’t had sex in 7 months? If this is true, it is so sad! And, my dear one, you are being severely used, abused, neglected and disrespected. Please get out and find a new life on your own. And get counseling. For yourself, alone. Please.
Post # 9
@confused and sad: I was with a guy for 9 years and I “thought” I loved him but in reality, I was just comfortable and it’s hard to get out of our comfort zone. So my only advice is to really dig deep and follow your gut instict as Hippos said.
Post # 10
You’ve been with someone for 9 years that you can’t have an open and honest conversation about your future with.
Reread that sentence.
All other problems aside, it’s enough on it’s own to be a reason to leave.
Post # 11
Oh, I’m so sorry.
This was me years ago. I had what I called my Y35 crisis. I was with a man for 8 yrs and turned 35. All I ever wanted in life was to be married and have children. He kept stalling. I knew I was settling for him. But I did the math and if I didn’t stay with him, it would be too late for me to have children, by the time I met someone new and got engaged, married, etc. I also paid for everything. The only time he paid was if he had a coupon.
I left him New Years Eve when I was 35. We were off and on again for 2 more years. And, when I finally left, I dropped into a huge depression and gained 150lbs. I felt my life was over. Mostly because it was too late to have kids. Not for the loss of him. When I turned 42, I lost most of the excess weight and started dating again.
I have now met the man of my dreams, and everything is happening the way I had dreamed it would. Except for the children. Fiance and I tried for 2 years before the doctor decided I had left it too late.
Don’t waste another minute on this guy. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy.
Post # 12
This doesn’t sound like a happy and fulfilling relationship to me. I’m sure the prospect of starting over after putting in nine years with this guy is scary, but I think you can do better. Don’t let your fear of being alone paralyze you into inaction.
Post # 14
Have a serious conversation. If he tries to maintain that he actually wants marriage, I would suggest some time limited counselling.
As my Dad used to say “sh-t or get off the pot”.
Post # 15
i have been in the same type of situation.
ask yourself what you want, what you need and what you deserve in a relationship. does your current man offer these? if you say no or hesitate to any of these….you know what you have to do. yes, you can try counselling but do you really think he will change for the long term? you need to disturb your complacency to move forward.
i really do know how hard it is but i felt a sense of relief when i did it. i am so glad i did because within months, i met my fi and knew he filled all of my requirements in a mate. i was not settling any more. i have never been happier.
i wish you the best.
Post # 16
I was there once. We met when I was 21. By the time I was 31 I had a beautiful ring, but he had wrapped it and given it to me for Christmas. No proposal. We rarely had sex.
I had wanted children with him. But, I got sick of waiting.
Now, I’m 33 and engaged to a great guy who already has 4 kids. Everything happens for a reason. You’ll know when it’s time to leave.