is there any tactful way to do this?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@ferdie224:  Send her invite it the mail and hope for the best?

Post # 4
Member
7397 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@ferdie224:  Honestly I don’t think there is anyway to do this without her feeling like a seat filler.

I don’t doubt she will have fun but you have to admit it that it is kind of rude to get an invite 2.5 weeks out.

 

Post # 5
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@ferdie224:  Even if you do invite her, nicely, she will know the only reason she is being invited now is bc other people couldbt make it. If I were her, I would rather not be invited at all than to feel like crap that I wasnt important enough to make the original cut

Post # 6
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ferdie224:  Just be open, honest and direct “As you know, we had to make some brutal cuts to our guest list and couldn’t invite everyone we wanted to be with us,  We have had space open up and I would love it if you were able to make it. I realize this is last minute but I am so hoping you can come.”

 

Post # 7
Member
8705 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t think there is any way to do it that doesn’t come off as, “We need a warm body to fill out the seats” or “You were a last minute thought.”

Post # 8
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Maybe you could casually bring up the fact that you have had a lot of unexpected declines, and how you wish you had invited a few more friends becaise now you have spare seats but feel rude inviting people at short notice and see how she reacts

Post # 9
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@ferdie224:  TBH, I’d tell her like it is. Say “I really enjoy our time together, but we had a limit to what our venue could hold. FI and I agreed we would only invite those we are *both* close too, to keep the guest list down. We had some say they can’t come, and have spots open up. If you would like to join us, I’d love to have you there”

It’s 2.5 weeks out, so it’ll be obvious. I’d rather be upfront about it, rather than inviting her without explaining myself

Post # 10
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@memo:  +1 I think this is a nice way of doing it.

Post # 11
Member
4410 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hmm… I don’t think there’s any way you can invite her without her knowing she’s a b-lister. That much is obvious.

What you can say is, “I made a mistake not inviting you in the first place. I’m sorry. I’d love it if you would come, because it would mean a lot to me and it’d be fun to have you there.” If that’s too awkward, then I would just leave it and not try to invite her at the last minute. 

Post # 12
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@ferdie224:  Is this right— this is  someone you see twice a month in a small group of 5-6 women and you invited veryone but her? You try to hold off talking about the wedding when she is there. (which implies you’re not always successful so talk about a wedding she is not invited to but everyone else in the group is, goes on around her at times!).  Now 2 weeks out there are cancellations and you want to invite her?

Yikes, I could never have not invited someone I see in such a small circle 2 x month. I would be surprised  if she continued to go out of her way to iinvite you to anything. Think inviting her now would simply add insult to injury. 

Good luck.

 

Post # 13
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@julies1949:  I like this wording best!

I also wanted to add that I had a friend who was invited to the wedding the DAY before because of some last minute cancellations.  He went and had a great time!!  People understand that you can’t invite everyone and she might want to come.  If she feels awkward about it then she can choose not to go.

 

Post # 14
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Another option might be… you could pretend that her invite got lost in the mail? Take her aside and say, hey I haven’t heard if you RSVPed yet, are you planning on coming? And when she’s confused and tells you she never got an invite, be horrified and tell her that her invite must have gotten lost in the mail?

Its sneaky and deceitful (not good things), but it might save face for both of you. i wouldnt usually recommend lying like that, but if I were your friend, I would rather get to pretend that my invite got lost than I was a second choice, especially in front of mutual friends who *did* get an invite.

ETA: I like the honest route better though, I don’t like lying to friends. I’m tryingto think of how she would feel to be the only one in the small group of wine night friends not invited/on the b list, like shes not on the same level of friendship. She may *not* be, but idk how she would feel at it being so blatantly pointed out.

Post # 15
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Glen Sanders Mansion

@julies1949:  Just be open, honest and direct ” We had to make some brutal cuts to our guest list and couldn’t invite everyone we wanted to be with us, as you know. We have had space open up and I would love it if you were able to make it. I relaize this is last minute but I am so hoping you can come.”

@memo:  say “I really enjoy our time together, but we had a limit to what our venue could hold. FI and I agreed we would only invite those we are *both* close too, to keep the guest list down. We had some say they can’t come, and have spots open up. If you would like to join us, I’d love to have you there”

+1 to both of these pieces of advice

We were B-listers to a wedding recently and while we couldn’t go (for a number of reasons), we did appreciate being thought of and we totally understood why were weren’t on the list at the beginning.  I think she will appreciate your honesty, planning a wedding can be brutal.  Don’t overthink it, and don’t lie about it either.

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