Is there anything I can do to make DH feel more secure?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
8388 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

SnowInApril:  Honestly, I don’t think there is much more you can do.  This issue isn’t really yours to deal with, it’s your husband’s; he’s the one that needs to get over it.  Maybe some couples or individual counseling could help him work through his insecurities.  It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong.

Post # 3
187 posts
Blushing bee

I am not sure what you can do to stop him from comparing himself to your Ex. In general, is your husband confident? Perhapse it is just a matter of stroking his ego. I would not reccomend you directly compare him to E, but when he genuinely does something great, or new for you I would stress that it is the best you have had, or first time some one has done it. You don’t need to explicitly say something was better than your ex would have done, just use superlatives, and he will understand, if his was best then the Ex’s couldn’t have been better.

When he compares himself to E, I would just wave it off, for example when he said I bet E never burned anything, you can reply with something like, yeah but he has pleanty of other problems. If he continues, I would just say “There is a reason I am with you, not with him”.

I wish I could help more, my FI was engaged before, and proposed to another time (shortly before we met), I have since met both of these guys at mutual friend’s weddings. However I am naturally a pretty confident guy, and don’t really worry about what happened before.

Post # 4
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would tell him” I broke up with E, I love you, I married you and I do not want you to mention E’s name again. I fell likeyou are saying these things to provoke a discussion or comparison to E and I’m not interested. In turn, I will also not mention E’s name again.”


Post # 6
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe I’m totally off base here, but I’m just curious as to how your sex life is. Obviously you don’t have to answer, since that’s pretty personal, but I know that for me when things are great in the bedroom we BOTH feel a lot more confident. I also agree with the poster who said that you should tell him his x,y,z is the best. 

Post # 8
7207 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There’s nothing for you to do. he has to grow up and move on. Frankly if this was my SO this would be a huge red flag for me. If I’m not concerned with past why are you. He need to get counseling perhaps. 

Post # 9
4638 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Why do you think you need to do something? This isn’t your issue. Its your husbands. 

You say he’s generally pretty confident, which is completely untrue.. Any grown man who says “I bet E never burned a meal for you”, needs to grow up and get over it. If he can’t mature enough to stop bringing up your past, he needs to seek counselling. 

Post # 10
5812 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

SnowInApril:  “I love you and want to be with you. I can’t take your insecurity about E. I can not and will not ever be able to make you secure *enough*. You have to figure out how to do that on your own. Next time you mention E in a way that put you or our relationship down, I will walk away, with no comment.”

Post # 11
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think trying to brush off his comments and say something witty is making this worse. It most likely is making him feel like you are minimising his feelings and even more insecure because you don’t take that opportunity to reassure him. 

I think he needs reminding of the fact that sure, E is a good guy (kind of, I remember the original thread), but he wasn’t your Prince Charming. He didn’t put you first, there was no real love story there. This is how I would be tempted to respond to DH: “I bet E never burnt a meal” “No he didn’t, but he did buy my a fake ring and lie about it”. Remind him of E’s faults and how unloved you felt. Right now he’s just seeing this awesome guy that he could easily be friends with while he has to face the reality of a life with you which is not the fairytake, sweep-her-off-her-feet at-every-moment life he was envisioning (because sometimes life involved burning dinner!). 

Also consider that your husband might be like me, thinking about the “what ifs” of my SO’s past drove me NUTS. Once he finally told me all the nitty gritty details I was completely fine with everything because I KNEW what happened, so my brain didn’t have to keep thinking about it trying to guess. It was no longer a private life between him and someone else, I was now allowed into that life and should a story from the past ever come up at a party, from the ex or just randomly, I never feel blindsided. Instead I feel empowered and in control. Knowledge really is power. Perhaps you don’t want to know about his past , he might really benefit fm hearing about yours. Consider it carefully of course. 

Also, if you ever have to visit him in hospital again – go together no matter what. You are a unit now and when one of your friends is sick, you visit them together. Otherwise DH will just feel left out of the loop again (I know that he encouraged you to go, but he really should have gone with you). Make a rule that any contact between you and E is shown to DH ASAP, not as an afterthought. Often insecure people just need to be let in to make a huge difference. 

At this upcoming wedding you need to put extra effort into your DH, try to be holding his hand/touching him in some way whilst you are around E but also your other friends. Even make the effort to tell some sort of awesome story about DH to some people (perhaps he brought you breakfast in bed, made something for you or bought flowers the other day etc). It’s is an extremely powerful thing to see your spouse talking (or boasting) about you in public, much more powerful than just telling him directly how wonderful he is. 

I hope at least some of this helps. perhaps even have him read the original thread about E if you feel comfortable doing so. It will likely give him a huge insight into just how much he hurt you and just how much of a dick he was. You can tell the story until you are blue in th face but actually reading those raw words that were written at the time might really drive it home.

Post # 12
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I just went back into some of the old threads. Does DH completely forget that E CHEATED on you for 3 MONTHS! While you were engaged and looking at buying a house?!?! AND that he treated you awfully, trying to get you to brake up with him?! Hello! He might appear to be a “good guy” but he most certainly wasn’t good to you.

Post # 14
13 posts

SnowInApril:  Hmm well it sounds like you already know what to do and are doing it.  Common sense says keep affirming your love for him and build him up when you sense he is feeling insecure. It’s not that complicated.

Post # 15
2581 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

SnowInApril:  TBH I’d show him the thread about the ring drama with E, and then go “this is why I didn’t marry E, because he pulled shit like this”, and that should make him feel better.

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